Boners

Boner of the Day for September 29th, 2020

ROUND ONE

Boner Candidate #1: THE LORD TELLS ME THE PANDEMIC IS A HOAX… SIGN HERE.

For months now, Pastor John MacArthur of Grace Community Church in California has been telling his congregation not to take the virus seriously. He’s openly celebrated the lack of social distancing and face masks in his congregation, once telling a packed house, “the good news is you’re here, you’re not distancing, and you’re not wearing masks.” In August, he falsely claimed, “There is no pandemic.” And he continues to defy local regulations about indoor gatherings. But it turns out that, for his staff, MacArthur is taking the virus extremely seriously — to the point where he’s forcing them to sign contracts promising not to sue him or the church if they catch COVID. According to Warren Throckmorton, who obtained the three-page liability waiver, all church volunteers must agree to the following: I acknowledge that participation in Activities, use of the Church and any services provided by the Church subjects me to the following risks, among others: accidents which cannot be foreseen and personal injury, including but not limited to death or sickness from contracting the Coronavirus disease 2019 (“COVID‑19”), the infectious disease caused by severe acute respiratory syndrome coronavirus 2 (SARS-CoV-2).

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Boner Candidate #2: THERE WAS NO MALICIOUS INTENT…  JUST GROSS INCOMPETENCE.

ROY — A family is calling for action and demanding answers after their 4-year-old boy was left alone on a school bus for two hours earlier this month. Although the Weber School District has protocols in place to make sure something like that doesn’t happen, Miles Hulbert’s parents say those protocols weren’t followed. On that day, Miles got on the bus, was buckled in and headed off for preschool at Midland Elementary School. That afternoon, another bus brought him home. “I thought he was at school the entire time, but apparently he was not,” said Miles’ mother, Janel Hulbert. After dropping off the other students at school, neither the bus driver nor a special education aide spotted Miles before they got off the bus themselves. And for two hours he was left alone. It wasn’t until the driver got back on the bus to make an afternoon run that Miles was found. But his parents say it wasn’t the school or the district that told them what had happened. It was Miles. “When he got off the bus … we’re like, ‘Oh how was school?’ and he said he had not been to school,” Hulbert said. Janel Hulbert, of Roy, discusses how her 4-year-old son Miles was left on a school bus for two hours earlier this month.

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Boner Candidate #3: YOU’RE SCARRING THE KIDS

A schoolteacher whose body, face and tongue are covered in tattoos and who has had the whites of his eyes surgically turned black said he was prevented from teaching at a French kindergarten after a parent complained he scared their child. But the teacher, Sylvain Helaine, 35, still teaches children from the age of six up and said that after an initial shock when they see him for the first time, his pupils see past his appearance. “All of my students and their parents were always cool with me because basically they knew me,” said Helaine, who estimated he has spent around 460 hours under the tattooists’ needle. “It’s only when people see me from far away that they can assume the worst.” He said last year he was teaching kindergarten at the Docteur Morere Elementary School in Palaiseau, a suburb of Paris when the parents of a three-year-old child complained to educational authorities. They said their son, who was not taught by Helaine, had nightmares after seeing him. Sylvain, alias Freaky Hoody, a primary school teacher and France’s “most tattooed man,” poses with his eyes full of black ink at Palaiseau, southern Paris, France. A couple of months later the school authorities informed him he would no longer teach kindergarten children, he said. “I think the decision they took was quite sad,” said Helaine.

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ROUND TWO

Boner Candidate #1: ALL THE DEMOCRATS WANT IS ATHEIST JUDGES.

Tennessee GOP Senator Marsha Blackburn embarrassed herself on Friday when she made the absurd claim that Democrats only wanted atheists on the Supreme Court. She was trying to claim Democrats were anti-Catholic, even though literally no elected officials have criticized the religion of Amy Coney Barrett and are only interested in how her faith might influence her decision-making if she gets confirmed to the Supreme Court. Blackburn didn’t just get ratioed on that tweet. She got humiliated as people rightly pointed out how there are no atheists on the Supreme Court and only one openly atheist Democrat in Congress. And obviously, the Democratic presidential candidate, Joe Biden, is Catholic. I’ve said this before: There is no anti-Catholic bias among Democrats. Blackburn’s bigotry also deserved to be called out on its own terms. What the hell would be wrong with having atheists on the Supreme Court?! Nothing, that’s what. In her shameless attempt to defend Catholicism from nobody, Blackburn threw the 14% of non-religious people in her own state under the bus. I thought she would’ve learned from her mistake after that. I wasn’t expecting an apology — she’s a Republican, after all — but I figured she would avoid using that exact sound bite again. Nope. Last night, during an appearance on FOX News, she said it again: … We know the Left is not going to be happy with someone of faith. They think that you need to be an atheist or a secularist to serve on the federal bench…

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Boner Candidate #2: BLACK LIVES MATTER HAS BEEN VERY GOOD TO ME

The founder of a bogus Black Lives Matter was nabbed in Ohio after he used $200,000 given to the organization for a new home, suits and guns, federal authorities said. Sir Maejor Page, 32, previously known as Tyree Conyers-Page, was arrested Friday following a raid at a Toledo, Ohio, home, according to the Federal Bureau of Investigation. Federal agents said Page ran social media pages for an organization known as Black Lives Matter of Greater Atlanta, though its status as a non-profit was revoked last year after the required paperwork wasn’t filed. The amount of money in a bank account for the organization never topped $5,000 until this summer when it saw an influx of cash amid a wave of protests in the wake of the death of George Floyd in May, authorities said. From June to August, the group received more than $465,000 in donations that were transferred to an account operated by Page, authorities said. Page allegedly responded to social media inquiries in June by saying that donated funds were only used for “movement-related” expenses, not for “personal items.” But the FBI said it was unable to identify any expenditures related to social or racial injustice efforts in the $200,00 spree. Instead, a debit card linked to the account made purchases that included food, tailored suits, accessories and entertainment, authorities said.

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Boner Candidate #3: I’M SORRY. I’LL FIND ANOTHER WAY TO GET DOWN TO SEE THEM ALIENS

(KUTV) — A Utah man allegedly stole a truck he said he needed to rendezvous with aliens but felt bad for stealing it and returned it to a 7 Eleven store. Bryce Jerald Dixon is accused of theft of a vehicle and three attempts to escape from official custody after he returned a red pickup truck that he later told police he needed so that he could “get to the Colosseum to get on a flight with alien diplomats.” According to court documents, Dixon intended to drive the truck all the way to the Colosseum but felt bad for stealing it so he returned to the 7 Eleven he took it from to give it back. The truck had been reported stolen when the owner — who left his truck unlocked with the keys inside while he stopped into the story — called 911. Police responded and investigated and when he arrived at the store was met by the truck’s owner who said the man suspected of taking it returned it and was running from the location. The officer used his radio and another officer took the suspect into custody. The suspect was taken to a hospital for an injury when the truck owner allegedly punched him in the face where he tried to slip past officers three times. There Dixon allegedly apologized to police and said aliens needed him to get to the Colosseum.

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