ROUND ONE
Boner Candidate #1: You Stole Sand?
Sardinia, ITALY — Authorities in Italy said a French tourist was fined $1,200 for attempting to smuggle more than 4 pounds of Sardinia’s famous white sand out of the country. Sardinia’s Forest Rangers said the tourist was stopped at Cagliari Elmas Airport and ordered to pay the fine after a bottle containing 4.4 pounds of sand was found in his possession. “The bottle was confiscated and is in now in our operating room where we hold these confiscated items. At the end of the year we usually have many bottles of sand accumulated,” a spokesman for the Forest Rangers told CNN. A regional law introduced in 2017 made it illegal to take sand from Sardinia’s beaches, with fines ranging from $600 to $3,550 depending on the amount of sand taken and where it was taken from. “Last year we found a website that was selling our sand as souvenirs. It’s become a very known phenomenon here in Europe,” the spokesman said.
Boner Candidate #2: Covidoake
Brooklyn, NY — A karaoke bar in Brooklyn was shut down over the weekend after violating … well, pretty much every law on the books. The New York Sheriff’s office has confirmed that The Legend KTV, located in Borough Park, was ignoring the city’s coronavirus safety guidelines and illegally hosting 281 people, including one minor, on Sunday. The bar was also serving liquor without a valid liquor license, which had been revoked in 2019. In addition, The Legend KTV was found to be in violation of a vacate order issued in 2018, and the establishment itself had only one exit in the event of an emergency. It was unclear whether the vacate order was originally issued as a result of the latter violation. The New York Sheriff’s Department arrested six people “for offenses including child endangerment.” In photos from the raid, police are also seen removing large quantities of beer from the bar. A nearby resident called the news “a travesty” amid the city’s efforts to quell the spread of COVID-19. “It’s a danger to the residents around here,” he told local news outlet NY1.
Boner Candidate #3: Looking Like A Fool with your Pants on the Ground
PALATKA, Fla. — A handcuffed man who tried to run from deputies in North Florida ended up getting tripped up by his own pants. The Putnam County Sheriff’s Office arrested 37-year-old Gabriel White early Sunday morning on burglary charges. While handcuffed, deputies said White made a run for it. Unfortunately, his pants fell down to his ankles and he stumbled to the ground. Deputies helped White get to his feet. They searched him and found methamphetamine and pills on him. In addition to the burglary charges, White faces charges of resisting an officer without violence, possession of methamphetamine, three counts of possession of a controlled substance without a prescription and two counts of drug equipment possession. “White won’t have to worry about his pants falling again during his stay because our inmate uniforms fit,” the sheriff’s office wrote on Facebook.
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ROUND TWO
Boner Candidate #1: Try it before you buy it, Senior Vibrato!
Fort Pierce, FL — An alleged naked woman accused of swiping a sex toy and using it in a store got locked up, according to an affidavit. Fort Pierce police Aug. 31 went to an undisclosed address for a disturbance. Emergency dispatchers reported a woman sporting a purple shirt but no pants was in a store. An employee said the woman removed a sex toy from the packaging and was fully nude, the affidavit states. The alleged naked lady is not to be confused with the Barenaked Ladies, a Canadian band perhaps best known for the 1998 song “One Week.” Meanwhile, a worker said the woman went in an employee area or stock room with the toy. In the stock room, police encountered a 36-year-old Port Salerno woman in an office chair with the sex toy. After the officer went in the room, the woman dropped the personal accessory. Police learned the woman tried on a piece of clothing, but the make, model, type, brand, cut or color wasn’t specified. It’s also unclear whether this was the purple shirt.
Boner Candidate #2: I thought you could not enodorse?
EXCLUSIVE: Just weeks after helping to broker peace between Israel and the United Arab Emirates (UAE), President Trump has been nominated for the 2021 Nobel Peace Prize. The nomination submitted by Christian Tybring-Gjedde, a member of the Norwegian Parliament, lauded Trump for his efforts toward resolving protracted conflicts worldwide. “For his merit, I think he has done more trying to create peace between nations than most other Peace Prize nominees,” Tybring-Gjedde, a four-term member of Parliament who also serves as chairman of the Norwegian delegation to the NATO Parliamentary Assembly, told Fox News in an exclusive interview. Tybring-Gjedde, in his nomination letter to the Nobel Committee, said the Trump administration has played a key role in the establishment of relations between Israel and the UAE. “As it is expected other Middle Eastern countries will follow in the footsteps of the UAE, this agreement could be a game changer that will turn the Middle East into a region of cooperation and prosperity,” he wrote.
Boner Candidate #3: Afternoon Delight
Manchester, ENGLAND — A huge lockdown flouting sex party had an unhappy ending when cops raided a Manchester brothel. Police were tipped off about a large gathering in Trafford on Friday and scrambled to the scene to break it up. But unwitting cops actually stumbled upon a Friday afternoon sex party in full swing. The brothel was raided and the ‘get together’ was brought to an abrupt end, the Manchester Evening News reports. The orgy was scheduled to go on for two hours before a concerned member of the public tipped off police. Officers raided a first floor flat just before 2.30pm on Friday and found customers and sex workers not exactly keeping 2 metres between them. Police later wrote on Twitter: “Reports of a large gathering at an address on Seymour Grove, Old Trafford over the weekend. “Patrols arrive to find a brothel and a sex party in place! FPN’s issued. Checks made to ensure staff weren’t there against their will and Trafford Council made aware re the use of premises!” Trafford has been at the centre of spiralling Covid-19 cases and has been kept under lockdown restrictions by the government. Lockdown restrictions were due to be lifted in the borough, and in Bolton, last Wednesday. When the Manchester Evening News visited the alleged brothel on Monday afternoon a woman reportedly answered the door and denied any knowledge of the incident.
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