Boners

Boner (Rounds One and Two) for August 1st, 2018

Round One

Boner Candidate #1: RIBEYE; BONELESS OR BONE IN?

A man in Nashville, North Carolina, was nabbed by authorities on Monday after he allegedly shoved $100 worth of stolen Walmart steaks down his pants. The alleged thief, identified as Keith Jordan by CBS 17, tried to make a getaway on his moped “in the pouring down rain” after walking out of the Walmart without paying for the steaks, the Nash County Sheriff’s Office wrote in a Facebook post. A photo shared by the sheriff’s office — which added that “neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night” prevented them from apprehending the accused thief — shows at least 10 packages of stolen steaks. “He must’ve been really hungry,” one Facebook user commented on the post.

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Boner Candidate #2: WELL THEN IF YOU ARE GAY AND YOU SMOKE YOU ARE REALLY IN TROUBLE.

The only Republican candidate for a Missouri House seat said that homosexuality kills more people than smoking, it has been revealed. Hardy Billington, 65, is likely to be elected to represent Poplar Bluff in the state House, as the city sits in Butler County, where around 80 percent of residents voted for Donald Trump in 2016. His uncontested nomination is hardly the only anti-gay candidacy in November’s elections, with Republican Donald McBath running to be an elected judge in Florida despite having said that gay people have a “mental illness” and face “ETERNAL damnation.” And in March, it was revealed that Erika Harold – a former Miss America winner who is the Republican nominee for Illinois Attorney General – allegedly said she’d rather give a baby to child abusers than a same-sex couple.

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Boner Candidate #3: DOUCHE

President Trump’s former campaign chairman evaded taxes on $60 million he made working for a pro-Russia Ukranian pol and spent the money on luxuries that included a $21,000 watch and a “custom, $15,000 jacket made from an ostrich,” a prosecutor told jurors on Tuesday. During opening statements at Paul Manafort’s tax and bank fraud trial, Assistant US Attorney Uzo Asonye said Manafort’s illegally funded, “extravagant lifestyle” included “more than a half-million dollars in fancy clothes” and three of his seven homes. Those properties — which he bought for $6 million in cash — included an apartment at 29 Howard St. in Manhattan and townhouse at 377 Union St. in Brooklyn, as well as a house in Arlington, Virginia, Asonye said. “There’s one thing this man did not do with these millions of dollars: pay the taxes he owed,” the prosecutor said

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Round Two

Boner Candidate #1: MA’AM, SUNDAY IS A DAY OF REST.

Kaylee Berry, 22, of Butte, has been charged with five felony counts of theft and one felony count of burglary for a Sunday crime spree in which she allegedly stole five vehicles, a 1997 Dodge Ram, a 2000 Pontiac Grand Am, a 2006 GMC pickup, a 1994 Ford Ranger and a 2005 Toyota Sequoia. According to Butte police, Berry’s rash of thefts began around midnight Saturday, when she allegedly stole a vehicle from the 1600 block of Oregon Avenue. She then drove to a house on the 5100 block of Warren Avenue and asked to stay the night with an acquaintance, who allowed her to do so. The next morning, the resident discovered his vehicle was gone — and that a dog inside the truck had been taken, too. While the man reportedly believed Berry had taken the vehicle, he also thought she would return it. When she hadn’t done so later Sunday afternoon, he reported the vehicle stolen.

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Boner Candidate #2: IT’S A WONDERFUL PLACE TO STAY IF YOU MAY NEVER SEE YOUR PARENTS AGAIN.

Families that crossed the US border illegally are kept in facilities that resemble “summer camp,” a top immigration official said Tuesday. “I think the best way to describe them would be more like a summer camp,” Matthew Albence of the Immigration and Customs Enforcement Agency testified before the Senate Judiciary Committee. The hearing was convened in order to discuss the Trump administration policy that led to thousands of immigrant kids being separated from their parents. Republicans and Democrats alike denounced the separations during the hearing as Albence insisted migrants get excellent care.

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Boner Candidate #3: NOW THAT’S HOW TO CAMPAIGN FOR OFFICE

A congressional candidate from Oregon has caused an uproar on social media after comparing first lady Melania Trump to a prostitute. “Did you know the First Lady works by the hour?” tweeted independent House candidate Mark Roberts on Monday, using the hashtags “#thinkdirty” and “#hoebag.” Twitter users were quick to blast the politician for his crude comment, with some calling on him to pull out of the 2nd Congressional District race for Republican incumbent Greg Walden’s seat. “Very unprofessional on your part,” tweeted one person. “Grow up and stick to the issues, so the voters in your district can decide on your stand regarding the issues.” Another added, “Wow no class Mark. You’re definitely using liberal tactics and it makes me wonder if you really are a conservative at all

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