Boners

Boner (Rounds One and Two) for June 8th, 2018

Round One

Boner Candidate #1: MY MOM; THE RACIST.

The mayor of Palisades Park apologized on Thursday for his 80-year-old mother, who went off on a racist Facebook rant against Korean Americans who live in the north New Jersey borough. Lorraine Rotundo, the mom of Mayor James Rotundo, claimed her son is the victim of “illegal voting” by Korean Americans in Palisades Park – which is more than 50 percent Korean. “Go to hell PALISADES PARK, let the GD KOREANS have this F’n town,” the older Rotundo wrote. “All of us AMERICANS are so done. I am going to suggest that only English be spoken in our Boro Hall at least while an AMERICAN is still the mayor.” The red-faced mayor said his mother in no way speaks for him.

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Boner Candidate #2: PEOPLE HIT AND RUN PEOPLE ALL THE TIME

Lights, camera, jail. A motorist suspected in a fatal hit-and-run was nabbed by police not long after he confessed during an interview with Boston TV station WFXT on Wednesday. The 23-year-old suspect, Phocian Fitts, spoke to a WFXT reporter after he was questioned by authorities in connection with the death of an elderly pedestrian in Brighton. “Right now, I’m not worried about nothing,” Fitts said in the interview. “I’m not a stone-cold killer. I didn’t do nothing on purpose. People hit and run people all the time, it just happened to be an unfortunate situation where I was driving.” Police say the victim, a man in his eighties, was struck by a car while crossing the street about 1 p.m. Wednesday. The victim was later taken to a hospital where he was pronounced dead, according to a press statement released by the Boston Police Department. The vehicle involved in the crash left the scene, but officers tracked the car using its license plate number. However, Fitts, the driver, was later released by officers due to his limited statements during questioning, according to WFXT.

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Boner Candidate #3: THIS IS MY DAUGHTER, JESUS JOY OF THE LORD.

A B.C. couple whose religious views are too extreme even for churches and pastors and put them at odds with family, doctors, social workers and anyone else trying to help them with their daughter, have lost their battle for custody of her. The unusual child custody trial featured the couple speaking in tongues to a stuffed animal they said transmitted the word of God directly to them and refusing legal assistance because Jesus Christ — through the stuffed lion — was their lawyer, witness and judge. In November, when the girl was one, the Provincial Court of British Columbia formally declared she was in need of protection and placed her in provincial custody, a decision the parents appealed to the B.C. Supreme Court. The parents claimed the judge violated their Charter rights, discriminated against them as Christians and made procedural errors.

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Round Two

Boner Candidate #1: THEY ORDERED FRIDA’S SPECIAL BURRITO.

Police are looking for a group of more than a dozen diners who allegedly tried to smoke marijuana inside a restaurant before causing a scene and walking out on the $420 bill. The incident happened Sunday night at Frida’s Mexican Restaurante in Memphis, Tennessee, WREG reported. The group of 16 came in at 10:30 pm, a half an hour before closing. “They came in at the last minute,” Frida’s manager Jesse Gonzalez told WREG. “We didn’t think anything of it.” According to Gonzalez, the group ordered some of the most expensive things on the menu: $11 margaritas and the Frida’s special burrito. “The grand burritos, Frida’s special steak, steak and shrimp,” he said to WREG.

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Boner Candidate #2: THE SEXIST OLD DINOSAUR SPEAKS AGAIN

President Trump’s attorney Rudy Giuliani doubled down Thursday about his comments that Stormy Daniels lacks credibility because of her profession, according to a report. “If you’re a (feminist) and you support the porn industry, you should turn in your credentials,” Giuliani told CNN. He said the porn vixen has “no reputation” to be damaged. “If you’re going to sell your body for money, you just don’t have a reputation. I may be old fashioned, I dunno,” Giuliani said. “The business you were in entitles you to no degree of giving your credibility any weight.” When asked whether his comments represented an “antiquated” viewpoint, Giuliani responded: “I kind of like my view of it better,” referring to how he said feminists historically thought of porn, which was demeaning to women.

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Boner Candidate #3: THE SHERIFF IS A VINDICTIVE JERK.

A South Dakota sheriff who lost his re-election bid to his own deputy in a landslide wasted no time getting back at his former employee. One minute after polls closed, Bon Homme County Sheriff Lenny Gramkow fired Deputy Sheriff Mark Maggs, who won by 878-331. In a June 5 letter dated 7:01 p.m., moments after the Republican primary closed, Gramkow sent a biting message to Maggs in all caps. “Mark Maggs: This letter is to inform you that effective immediately you are terminated from the position of Deputy Sheriff for Bon Homme County,” Gramkow wrote. “As of this moment you are no longer an employee of Bon Homme County. Please turn in all equipment belonging to Bon Homme County by 5 p.m. on June 6, 2018.” Maggs posted a picture of the termination letter to Facebook along with the caption, “Here’s the Integrity of Lenny Gramkow.”

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