Boner Candidate #1: GOOD NANNIES ARE HARD TO FIND
A Texas couple has been accused of holding a Nigerian nanny against her will for more than two years, all the while subjecting her to abuse and forcing her to clean their home and care for their five children. Chudy Nsobundu, 56, and his wife, Sandra, 50, were allegedly so abusive to the woman that they forced her to sleep on the floor in their Katy home because she was “too smelly” for a bed and denied her fresh food, authorities said. “If the victim even wanted some milk for her tea, she would have to actually strain the milk out of the children’s cereal bowls,” The U.S. Attorney’s Office for the Southern District of Texas said in a Monday press release. The couple was taken into custody on Monday, following the filing of a criminal complaint alleging forced labor, withholding documents, conspiracy to harbor an illegal alien and visa fraud.
Boner Candidate #2: THEIR INTENTIONS WERE GOOD.
Two men with mirrors and a wooden cross interrupted a campaign event in Raymond, New Hampshire to perform an exorcism on Ted Cruz on Monday, saying that the Republican presidential candidate was “possessed by a demon.” According to The Dallas Morning News, Cruz had just finished his stump speech when the men began shouting at the candidate. “Ted Cruz look in the mirror and let the evil spirit depart!” one man exclaimed. “He’s possessed by a demon!” As the crowd booed, Cruz suggested that the “very confused fellow” was part of Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders’ campaign. “He’s possessed by a demon!” the man yelled. “The demon has to leave. That’s why the body is so disgusting to look at!” A second man holding a mirror urged Cruz to look at himself so “the evil can confront itself.” “Evil body! Evil spirit. Look yourself in the mirror!” the man said. As the men were being removed from the building by police officers, Cruz noted that the interruption was an “odd thing.” “Usually lefties don’t believe in God,” Cruz quipped.
Boner Candidate #3: Russian Lawyer Fears Tiger and Goat Union Could Turn Kids Gay
A Russian prosecutor is investigating whether media coverage of the unlikely friendship between a male goat and a male tiger could spark interest among children in “non-traditional sexual relations.” Timur the goat and Amur the tiger met in November in a wildlife park near Vladivostok after the goat was placed in the tiger’s compound as a snack, according to the Associated Press. The tiger never devoured him and instead took a liking to his new companion, prompting their rare “romance” to go viral. But Novosibirsk lawyer Alexei Krestyanov claims the animals’ domestic harmony could harm children by provoking “interest in non-traditional sexual relations,” The Guardian reports.
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