Boner of the Day

Boner of the Day for March 14th, 2019

Round 1

Candidate #1: TAKE YOUR BEEF TO SOCIAL MEDIA BEFORE DOING ANYTHING ELSE

A New York man said he was stunned to receive a $38 million utility bill for a 600 square-foot studio apartment. Tommy Straub took to social media to vent his frustrations when he discovered his Con Edison bill for the month was $38 million, instead of the expected $74. “I own a 600 square foot apartment in Astoria, [Queens]. I do NOT own the entirety of Manhattan Island. THIS IS INSANE. FIX IT,” Straub tweeted. Straub’s tweet went viral and the utility company got in contact with him.
The issue was resolved Tuesday afternoon, with Straub’s bill being corrected to the expected amount, but there was no word on what had caused the unusually high charge.

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Candidate #2: THEM CACTUSES HAD IT OUT FOR ME

Police say a man is facing child endangerment charges after he brought his 1-year-old son along to shoot a saguaro cactus at Piestewa Peak Monday evening.  According to court documents, Nicholas Forte invited two friends to fire a glock 9mm handgun at a cactus on the Hopi trail head Monday evening. Forte had his 1-year-old son with him because he said his wife needed a break from the child. Forte and his two friends, Kyonne Hodge and Aaron Bradford, told police they took turns watching the child under a ramada as they smoked marijuana and fired the gun at the cactus, court documents say. Forte said he shot at the cactus seven to 12 times.

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Candidate #3: SORRY. MOM IS TOO DRUNK TO FLY.

A planned bachelorette party weekend in Mexico turned into a mess for a bridal party from Sacramento Thursday. When the group landed in Phoenix for their connecting flight, an American Airlines employee told the group that the bride’s mother couldn’t board the next plane because she looked drunk. “The bride’s mom doesn’t do the greatest with traveling,” bridesmaid Amber Granlund said. “She’s in her 50s, almost 60s. There could have been something else going on.” Granlund said the woman had one or two drinks before the flight but was not intoxicated. Cellphone video shows Granlund speaking with an airline employee, who says she is going to call the police. “She had already called the cops at that point,” she said. “About eight of them showed up.” The airline said after banning the bride’s mother, some in the group became irate and “posed a safety risk to crew members and other passengers.” Some of the women in the group were pregnant or breastfeeding. Others were in their 50s. All of them were stranded without a way to fly to Cabo San Lucas on a trip that cost a total of $30,000.

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Round 2

Candidate #1: I GUESS SHE WAS UNHAPPY WITH HER HAIRCUT

Customers and the owner of Jean Nicole Hair Salon told deputies they feared for their life when Tracy Denise George-Sirleaf approached the shop, machete in hand, Monday evening. The shop owner’s quick thinking kept everyone safe, but the responding deputy’s patrol car has had better days on the job. It started around 5:30 p.m. The Lee County Sheriff’s Office told WBBH that George-Sirleaf became unhinged, grabbed her things and left the shop. She went to her car, but came back moments later in a rage and threw herself against the glass window. Detectives said she again went to her car, but returned wielding a machete this time. The shop owner locked the door as she approached. Other customers dialed 9-1-1 as she swung the weapon in the air. Deputies said George-Sirleaf got within seven or eight feet of the door before suddenly changing directions. She set her eyes on the owner’s truck, implying she would hit it.

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Candidate #2: CALL THE ADVOCATES

Police and prosecutors in Slovenia are trying to determine the truth after a 21-year-old woman cut off her hand with a circular saw in January this year. Her family says that it was an accident; that she was sawing off branches on a tree when the saw slipped. However, she is being accused of insurance fraud by investigators in the country’s capital, Ljubljana. The woman had taken out five different insurance policies in the months before her injury and had only made two to three monthly payments for them, police told ABC News. Altogether, for her injury, she would have received $430,000 and monthly payments of $3,388 for 10 years with smaller monthly payments thereafter. However, she has not received anything to date and is being detained, unlikely to walk free anytime soon. The woman was unemployed and had no other source of income. She and her 29-year-old relative, who is also being detained, could face one to eight years in prison if convicted of insurance fraud.

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Candidate #3: THE TEXAS VERDICT

David Mamet has stepped in to defend the characters of his friends Felicity Huffman and William H. Macy after they were caught paying a proctor to raise their daughter’s SAT scores as part of a sweeping college admissions scandal. According to Mamet, such lovely people do not deserve to be punished for flagrantly attempting to game the system with their wealth. Punishment should only be for poor people!

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