Boner Candidate #1: LEAVE OUR WHALE ALONE!
The iconic whale sculpture on 9th and 9th has now been hit with vandalism overnight with what shows an anti-voting message. A spray paint sketch of a guy pooping with two nazi’s opening the bathroom door, and text that reads, “Did you vote?” SLC issues a statement, “The SLCPD is aware of criminal mischief painted on the SLC Whale, located on 900 South. There are no investigative updates and no arrests.Anyone with information on this case should call 801-799-3000.”
Boner Candidate #2: A DEMON? IT WAS A DEMON? YOU SURE OF THAT TUCKER?
Tucket Carlson is claiming he was left bleeding with scars from the claws of a demon attack. Tucker was having a recorded conversation with John Heers who asked Tucker if he thought, “the presence of evil is kickstarting people to wonder about the good?” which Tucker responded, “That’s what happened to me, I had a direct experience with it. I was in my bed at night, and I got attacked while I was asleep with my wife and four dogs and mauled, physically mauled.” Heers questioned, “In a spiritual attack by a demon?” Tucker responded, “Yeah, by a demon, or by something unseen that left claw marks on my sides.”
WINNER!
Boner Candidate #3: SHE SAYS SHE’S NO RACIST BUT THE VIDEO SAYS SHE IS.
A public relations assistant, Jennifer Guilbeault, pepper sprayed a Muslim Uber driver for no apparent reason. She has now snapped through her lawyer, vehemently denying that she was motivated to use the pepper spray because of their race or religion. She has since been terminated from employment as well as charged with a hate crime. Manhattan District Attorney Alvin Bragg announced, “As alleged, Jennifer Guilbeault senselessly assaulted a Muslim Uber driver while he was just doing his job. The victim is a hardworking New Yorker who should not have to face this type of hate because of his identity. Everyone is welcome to live and work in Manhattan.”
