Boner Candidate #1: I KEEP ASKING BECAUSE YOU DON’T ANSWER
Ted Cruz doesn’t even know where he stands on the simplest details of abortion law. When debating against Rep. Colin Allred (D-TX) on Tuesday, the moderator asked a very simple question, “Texas has one of the strictest abortion bans in the United States. There’s no exception for rape or incest, as you know. In 2021, you co-sponsored a bill in Congress that included those exceptions. But a year later, when the Supreme Court overturned Roe v. Wade, you said that you agree with the Texas law that has zero exceptions. So tonight, the question is, where do you stand on this? And we’re asking for your personal opinion as a Texan and as a father.” Ted Cruz responded, “Well listen, abortion is an issue many Texans and many Americans care deeply about, and it’s an issue people of good faith can disagree. People are genuinely and deeply pro-life. People are genuinely and deeply pro-choice. And there are all sorts of positions in between. I agree with the United States Supreme Court that under our Constitution, the way we resolve questions like that, questions on which we have real and genuine disagreements it’s at the ballot box, is voting.” Cruz kept dodging the same question until he asked the moderator, “Why do you keep asking me that?”
Boner Candidate #2: BOY OH BOY HAS RUSSELL BRAND GOT A DEAL FOR YOU
Russell Brand, who had been dodging rape allegations from Channel 4’s Dispatches programme, The Times, and the Sunday Times since 2023, is now selling you a ‘magical amulet’ to protect you from ‘evil energies’ for $240 a piece, and people are perplexed. Since the accusations of rape Russell Brand has been working through some major life changes like becoming a Christian influencer, as well as making money through selling these strange products. In a clip selling the amulets he said, “As you know, airports are places full of Wi-Fi and all sorts of evil energies. Think of all the phones out there, all of the signals – corruptible and corrupting. Luckily, I wear this magical amulet from Aires Tech that keeps me safe from all of the various signals out there. You should get one as well, particularly if you’re planning to go to an airport any time soon because the bloody things are full of lethal signals.”
WINNER!
Boner Candidate #3: IT WAS A REALLY BAD DAY IN CHEER
Evans Middle School in Lubbock, Texas has placed a teacher on administrative leave after 13 cheerleaders were found to be suffering from first and second-degree burns on their hands, after they said their cheer coach made them perform “bear crawls” and “crab walks” on a hot outdoor track as punishment. The 8th graders were punished for performing a cheer during a football game, that the coach deemed disrespectful. A mom from Evans Middle school stated, “I had asked [my daughter], ‘Are you okay? How was school?’ She put our stuff down in the car, went to sit down and said, ‘Mom, you want to know how my day was in cheer?’ I said, ‘Yeah.’ She told me that they got a punishment, and shows me her hands.”
