Boner Candidate #1: THEM CROWS HAVE BEEN SMUGGLING METH INTO THE PRISON
Two Texas women, Melanie Jean Worthington and Kassy Marie Cole, were arrested for allegedly using drones to fly plastic crow decoys carrying drugs, phones, and tobacco into a federal prison in Grant Parish, Louisiana. Authorities say the women were paid $40,000 for the scheme and have been charged with multiple offenses, including possession of methamphetamine with intent to distribute and bringing contraband into a penal institution. The arrests are part of a broader investigation, with the women becoming the ninth and tenth suspects connected to smuggling attempts at the prison in 2026.
!!!WINNER!!!
Boner Candidate #2: KILLING CIVILIANS (in this case children) IS A WAY TO PROVE THE U.S. ISN’T ‘WOKE’
A missile strike on an elementary school in Minab, Iran, killed more than 165 civilian, most of them children, and injured nearly 100 others, according to Iranian officials. Evidence from open-source investigators suggests the attack may have involved a U.S. Tomahawk missile, though U.S. officials say the incident is still under investigation. The tragedy comes after the Trump administration dismantled much of a Pentagon program designed to reduce civilian casualties during military operations. Experts warn that weakening these protections and increasing military strikes could lead to more civilian deaths and greater global instability.
Boner Candidate #3: SEC. HEGSETH DOES NOT CARE FOR THE PHOTOS
Pentagon officials barred press photographers from recent briefings after Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth’s staff reportedly complained that photos from a March 2 press conference made him look “unflattering.” The briefing followed U.S. and Israeli strikes on Iran and included tense exchanges between Hegseth and reporters, whom he accused of pushing misleading narratives. The Pentagon said the restrictions were meant to make the briefing room more effective and noted that official photos are still released by Defense Department photographers. The move comes amid broader tensions with the media after new Pentagon rules caused many major news organizations to lose their press credentials.
