Boner Candidate #1: ‘BLOWBY BETTY’ HAD ‘EM GOING.
Brian Swartz, and 33-year-old in Florida, has been arrested for leading the Flagler County police on a leisurely chase. Swartz was first spotted on his blue motorcycle without license plates. The vehicle, dubbed “Blowby Betty,” had no lights and the motor sounded like a “weed-eater.” Deputies pursued Swartz, reaching a maximum speed of 40 MPH. Swartz then lead the troops through Hidden Trails Park, where he slowed to a steady 15 MPH. “A pursuit implies speed. This was more of a guided neighborhood tour,” sheriff’s officials stated. The chase finally came to an end when Swartz toppled over and pinned his leg under the motorcycle. The Flagler County Sheriff noted that Swartz has been arrested 16 times in 10 years for various offenses including street racing, credit card fraud, and grand theft. The ‘motorcycle’ was impounded.
Boner Candidate #2: BUT LIAM NEESON NEEDS MY HELP.
A woman in Florida was arrested for striking a family member over a Liam Neeson impersonator. 76-year-old Judith Barrantes had “been sending money to someone claiming to be Liam Neeson,” a very common scam targeted towards the elderly. The victim of the assault had taken Barrantes’ phone to prevent her from contacting or sending money to the scammer. Barrantes, determined to retrieve her device and text Neeson, struck her family member in the head and arm. The family confirmed that she “is not of right mind” and was being defrauded by someone posing as the actor. Police arrived and took her into custody.
!!! WINNER !!!
Boner Candidate #3: THERE HAS BEEN NO CORRECTION. HEGSETH STILL DOESN’T THINK YOU ARE CHRISTIANS.
After many Utah political and religious figures expressed their distress, the Department of Defense has agreed to revise its religious classifications. Last week, the Department of Defense decided to exclude members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, well known as Mormons, from falling under the category of Christian. On Monday, the department reorganized the religions by denomination and removed the “Christian” category. They said they had only intended to simplify work for commanders at the Pentagon, not to erase any religions. “The Pentagon’s job is not to adjudicate theological debates, but instead to ensure sincerely-held faith is respected and encouraged in our ranks.” Sen. John Curtis of Utah, one of the first to question the Pentagons decision, wrote, “Thank you…for listening to our concerns, engaging thoughtfully and respectfully with my office… and for delivering a swift correction.”
