Round 1
Candidate #1: IF YOU GO TO A PLACE THAT SPECIALIZES IN GOAT CURRY AND OXTAIL DON’T EXPECT A BEEF PATTY
On Saturday, police released surveillance video of the woman in action in the Bronx — smashing a restaurant’s windows after learning the eatery had run out of her favorite food. Police say the woman at the Back Home restaurant in the Morrisania neighborhood came in on the afternoon of Jan. 15 and ordered a patty. She was told they’d run out, and she got upset. Authorities say she left and came back to the Jamaican restaurant with the bat. The video shows a woman bashing in two windows. She fled and police were still searching for her on Saturday. The video shows a woman dressed in a black and white jacket and matching sneakers, swinging a multi-colored aluminum bat as bystanders tried to stop her before she walked away.
Candidate #2: IT WASN’T ENERGY DRINKS, VINNIE. IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE A MORON.
A man claims the shocking damage to his teeth was caused by his crippling energy drink addiction, which saw him consuming six Monster Energy drinks every day. Vinnie Pyner, 21, got hooked on cans of green Monster Energy to help him stay awake for his college studies, he said. Soon he was downing them at breakfast, lunch and dinner — and was eventually drinking six cans every day. Despite brushing his teeth twice a day, he started getting tooth pain and eventually he bit into an apple and his front four teeth “snapped.” After guzzling around 45 cans a week for seven months, he went cold turkey but was too embarrassed to go back to college. His dentist discovered every tooth in his mouth had rotted, he claims, and Pyner is now set to get 24 fillings and dentures for his front teeth.
Candidate #3: I THINK WE HAVE TO RE-EVALUATE OUR HIRING PRACTICES
A North Carolina substitute teacher resigned after she allegedly told several elementary school students that Martin Luther King Jr. wasn’t assassinated and had died by suicide, the school district said.
Elizabeth Temple, a substitute music teacher at Rand Road Elementary School in Garner, is accused of making the false claim about the famed civil rights leader’s death last Friday when students weren’t following her directions, parent Billy Byrd told the News & Observer. Byrd said when his 10-year-old son, Nathan, corrected the teacher by saying King Jr. was assassinated, she responded by telling him and other minority students that they were prison-bound because they were dressed in athletic apparel. She also reportedly told the class they were not real Christians if they did not support Donald Trump.
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Round 2
Candidate #1: I PUT ON A COSTUME SO THE DOG WOULD FEEL AT EASE.
A Florida man has admitted recording himself performing sex acts on his Siberian husky while wearing a dog costume — and posting the revolting footage online, authorities said. Christian Stewart Oscar Nichols, 21, of Oldsmar, is facing charges of aggravated animal cruelty and 10 counts of prohibition of certain acts in connection with obscene materials after his arrest on Monday, according to the Pinellas County Sheriff’s Office. An investigation was launched on Jan. 25 after an out-of-state resident contacted officials from the Pinellas County Animal Services to report the existence of video and photographs online depicting a man having sexual contact with a dog. Detectives from the sheriff’s office later obtained copies of the video and photographs, which depicted a man dressed in a black and white Siberian husky costume using his penis and sex toys during sex acts with the animal.
Candidate #2: YOUR BOOK LEARNIN’ IS TRYIN’ TO POISON MY PURE CHRISTIAN MIND.
As a high school junior, Caleigh Wood refused to complete a history lesson on “The Muslim World” that she said forced her to embrace Islam in conflict with her Christian faith — and the Constitution. A federal appeals court this week disagreed, saying school officials in Southern Maryland had not violated Wood’s First Amendment rights because the curriculum did not endorse a particular religion “and did not compel Wood to profess any belief.” “School authorities, not the courts, are charged with the responsibility of deciding what speech is appropriate in the classroom,” wrote Judge Barbara Milano Keenan, who was joined by Judges Pamela Harris and James Wynn. “Academic freedom would not long survive in an environment in which courts micromanage school curricula and parse singular statements made by teachers.” Attorney Andrew Scott, who represents Charles County school officials, said Tuesday the ruling sends an important message to school officials throughout the state affirming their discretion to teach about religion.
Candidate #3: I’M GOING IN THERE AND I’M WARNING YOU I’LL BLOW THE PLACE UP.
Officers were called to the home improvement store at about 12:15 p.m. Monday for a reported bomb threat, the report states. When police got there, an employee said he was “standing at the urinal” when a man came out of a bathroom stall and said, “Somebody told me there’s a bomb in the building, you need to leave the building,” the report states. The employee told police that he asked the man to repeat what he said, and that man gave the same statement two more times. The Wichita Home Depot employee left the restroom and told store security about the warning, and the security guard called 911, police wrote in the report.
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