Boner of the Day

Boner (Round One and Two) for April 18th, 2019

Round One

Boner Candidate #1: 40 YEARS A SLAVE.

A second man has been arrested over claims that a vulnerable worker was forced to live in a 6ft shed for 40 years. The suspect, 53, was arrested on Tuesday at a residential site north of Carlisle, Cumbria, on suspicion of modern slavery offences and is being questioned in custody. A pensioner, 79, was previously detained by officers from the Gangmasters and Labour Abuse Authority (GLAA) in October and released under investigation. The alleged victim, a British man, 58, was rescued from the shed on a residential site north of Carlisle – reportedly a licensed traveller camp – where it is believed he had been living throughout his adult life.

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Boner Candidate #2:THEY NEEDED SOME NOURISHMENT

Police on Wednesday charged three women seen in a video force-feeding infants at a day care center. Investigators said surveillance footage from Little People Learning Center in Downers Grove, Illinois, showed the employees giving infants solid food, holding their mouths shut and tilting their heads back as they cried. Police in Downers Grove, about 25 miles west of Chicago, said the abuse occurred on multiple occasions between December 2018 and January 2019. The suspects — Maura Healy, 38, Stephanie Radke, 24, and Mariah Flemister, 20 — each were charged with battery and endangering the life or health of a child, according to the Downers Grove Police Department.

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Boner Candidate #3: ASSAULT WITH IGUANA

Police say an unruly customer at a restaurant in Ohio pulled an iguana from under his shirt, swung it around and threw it at the manager. Painesville police were called to the Perkins restaurant around noon Tuesday. Police say they apprehended the suspect a few blocks away in the city roughly 30 miles (48 kilometers) northeast of Cleveland. Authorities did not say what provoked the attack. The 49-year-old was charged with disorderly conduct, resisting arrest and animal cruelty. Police say the lizard, whom they named “Copper,” was taken to the Lake County Humane Society to be checked by a veterinarian.

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Round Two

Boner Candidate #1: I USED IT BECAUSE IT WAS HANDY

A New Orleans-area woman, who beat up her ex-boyfriend with his own prosthetic leg earlier this year because he tried to break up with her, was arrested last Wednesday, police said. On Feb. 11, Michelle Jackson, 58, was drinking with her now ex-boyfriend when he told her he wanted to see someone else, Capt. Jason Rivarde said. The man went to sleep without incident but awoke the next morning with an injured hand and a large cut on his head that was dripping blood, The Times-Picayune reported. Jackson, who had left before authorities arrived, allegedly told a relative she had beat the man with his prosthetic leg and thought she had killed him. The woman allegedly told police that she had stabbed him, but Rivarde said there was no evidence.

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Boner Candidate #2:AOC HAS BEEN INVITED TO MEET SOME KENTUKIANS THAT DON’T EXIST

Last month, a clip of New York representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez went predictably viral after she forcefully responded to one of her colleagues on the House Financial Services Committee when he called climate change an “elitist” concern. “Wanting clean air and water is not elitist,” she said. In response, Kentucky Republican congressman Andy Barr invited Ocasio-Cortez to come meet coal miners in his state “who will tell you what the Green New Deal would mean for their families, their paychecks.” His concern, he said, is that the Green New Deal would phase out U.S. reliance on coal and fossil fuel, which would wreak havoc on the lives of people who work in those industries.

Boner Candidate #3: NOT THE KIND OF DAY LABOR HE HAD IN MIND

A Phoenix couple is accused of picking up a day laborer at Home Depot, then forcing him to have sex at gunpoint. According to court documents, on April 8, 39-year-old Brenda Acuna-Aguero picked up the male day laborer at the Home Depot at 75th Avenue and McDowell Road, telling him that she and her husband needed to move some items in their house. But when they got to Acuna-Aguero’s home, court documents say she began “to talk sexual to him and stated that it was her fantasy to have sex with a laborer and that she wanted to have sex with him.” When the victim refused, Acuna-Aguero’s husband, 45-year-old Jorge Murrieta-Valenzuela, came into the room holding a black rifle.

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