Round One
Boner Candidate #1:NOW WHERE DID WE PUT THOSE PERVERTS? THERE WERE HERE A SECOND AGO.
Police don’t know the whereabouts of nearly 1,300 registered sex offenders in Missouri, including hundreds who fall into the most dangerous category, according to state audit released Monday. Missouri law requires convicted sex offenders to register their names, addresses and other information with their county law enforcement, most often the sheriff’s department. The Missouri State Highway Patrol maintains a publicly available database. Offenders must keep their information up-to-date and notify law enforcement when they move. The audit released by state Auditor Nicole Galloway says 1,259 sex offenders are unaccounted for — about 8 percent of the nearly 16,000 registered sex offenders in Missouri — and it blames inadequate enforcement of the registration requirement at the local level. In 14 counties and the city of St. Louis, the whereabouts of more than 10 percent of sex offenders is unknown.
Boner Candidate #2:WHAT CAN I DO TO BE THE MOST REVILED WOMAN IN THE UK? I’VE GOT IT!
The Grenfell Towers disaster last year is one of the most horrific things one can remember ever happening in the UK, but what’s even more horrific is how many people seem to have manipulated the event for their own nefarious means as opposed to actually riding the survivors. The latest person to be found out over this is 30 year old council finance boss Jenny McDonagh, who embezzled £60,000 of money from the Grenfell Towers victims fund. She used this money to take weekend shopping trips to Rodeo Drive in Los Angeles, holidays to Paris, Reykjavk and Dubai, expensive beauty treatments, to finance a huge gambling habit and to buy a massive 12 inch purple dildo from a sex shop. Sure, that only cost £48 but it’s way funnier to say that was what she mainly spent the money on rather than expensive shopping trips and gambling which is pretty much what everyone who steals money from someone spends it on.
Boner Candidate #3: WELL, WHICH WAS IT? A BOY OR A GIRL?
An Arizona border patrol agent started a wildfire during a “gender reveal” party involving a firearm and explosives, likely making it the most expensive such celebration in the history of the ridiculous ritual. Dennis Dickey was off-duty when he celebrated the revelation of his unborn child’s sex on state-owned property close to Madera Canyon in April 2017, reports the Arizona Daily Star. A forest service agent wrote in a court affidavit that Dickey shot a target filled with the explosive Tannerite. The color of the powder plume that exploded from the target was intended to correlate with the expected sex of the baby—blue for boy, pink for girl. This particular method has recently gained popularity among gun enthusiasts, and several examples of the execution have been uploaded to YouTube.
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Round Two
Boner Candidate #1:NO SLEEPIN AT THE DUNKIN DUDE.
A worker at an upstate New York Dunkin’ Donuts poured a pitcher of water on a customer sleeping inside the store — and then laughed at the soaking wet man as he gathered his belongings, video shows. A 36-second clip posted late Sunday on Facebook shows the unidentified man being doused with a pitcher of water by a Dunkin’ Donuts employee who claimed to have warned the man repeatedly against sleeping in the Syracuse restaurant. “You going to sleep?” the employee said before drenching the man. “How many times I got to tell you to stop sleeping in here, my n—a? You here all day, you have enough time [in here] … How many times have the customers and the people going to tell you to stop sleeping in here?”
Boner Candidate #2:CHUNKY GRILL IS SORRY MR. MIKE
An acid attack victim claims that he was asked to pay for water used to help him after he suffered an acid attack. Mike Glover-Johnson posted a picture of himself wrapped in a facial bandage following the incident on High Street in Bloxwich, Walsall, at around 6.50pm on Sunday. The victim was said to have been in his car at the time when he was approached and had a substance thrown in his face. He has appealed to people for help tracking down his attackers. However, he added: ‘Chunky Grill in Bloxwich threw me out while my face was burning with acid!! And demanded payment from Lee for the water that was saving me. ‘Yes you read it correctly… hopefully whoever did this gets caught. And chunky grill owes me and Bloxwich an explanation..’
Boner Candidate #3: BUT HE WANTED IRON MAN SO BAD.
An Ohio mother is facing charges for allegedly giving a teenager permission to illegally tattoo her 10-year-old son. Nikki Dickinson, 34, was charged with first-degree misdemeanor child endangering and contributing to the delinquency of a minor after she supervised the ink session in a 16-year-old’s living room, ABC 6 reported. She let the procedure take place because she got sick of her son asking for her permission to get a tattoo, officials said, according to the report. Dickinson came under fire after a video of the procedure surfaced on Facebook. The 16-year-old has reportedly given other people tattoos in his home — which was deemed unsafe, according to court documents. At least one of his subjects is believed to have developed an MRSA infection, according to the report.
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