Boners

Boner (Round One and Two) for September 4th, 2018

Round One

Boner Candidate #1: WELL AT LEAST SHE DIDN’T LEAVE THE BABY BEHIND.

Authorities in Texas released video on Friday showing a woman leading police on a high-speed chase before crashing into another vehicle and attempting to carjack another truck while holding a baby. The footage released by the Texas Department of Safety shows the chase in Bexar County in June, after the female driver, who had outstanding warrants, fled at a high rate of speed and approached 100 mph at times. Police used a tire deflation device to disable the front tire of the Mercedes SUV, but the woman continued to flee, crossing into oncoming traffic at times. Eventually, the woman lost control and slammed into the back of a pickup truck at an intersection. In the video, the woman can then be seen getting out of the SUV and running from police while holding the baby in a carrier. After nearly dropping the baby, the woman then jumps into the front seat of a passing vehicle, which police said she attempted to carjack.

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Boner Candidate #2: BAD BOY TED CRUZ

The Texas GOP has tried, and failed, to elevate Ted Cruz to the same level of hotness as his opponent Beto O’Rourke.  According to a report from Central Track, the Rockwall County Republican Party allegedly posted a cringey Ted Cruz poster on their Facebook page last night. Since then, the post has been taken down, and any links that lead back to it are now broken. However, what does remain from poster-gate is a post on the the party’s Facebook story that says, “We are officially out of the previous ‘Ted Cruz’ Keepsake Posters.”  Despite the missing links, a few screenshots of the original post were being shared around the internet. Based on these images, they really tried to amp up Cruz’s bad boy sex appeal, something most of us never asked for. Apparently nothing screams “sex” more than Cruz’s face Photoshopped on a fully tattooed body with a cigarette dangling from his mouth. The image of a tatted up Ted Cruz is actually a ripoff of an original poster made by the conservative artist Sabo during the 2016 election. It’s still unknown as to whether or not Sabo gave the Rockwall County GOP any sort of permission to reuse and sell this image.

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Boner Candidate #3: AND THIS HAS TO DO WHAT WITH ARETHA AND HER FUNERAL

Aretha Franklin’s family on Monday slammed the pastor at her funeral for delivering a eulogy that was “offensive and distasteful” while neglecting to honor the Queen of Soul.  Vaughn Franklin, the late singer’s nephew, criticized Rev. Jasper Williams Jr. for disparaging single mothers and the black lives matter movement during a speech meant to honor the legendary musician last week. “He spoke for 50 minutes and at no time did he properly eulogize her,” Vaughn Franklin said, in a statement delivered for the family. His eulogy “caught the entire family off guard,” he added. “It has been very, very distasteful.” Williams heard resistance from one of the event’s many celebrity guests. Singer Stevie Wonder yelled out “black lives matter” after the pastor said, “No, black lives do not matter” during his eulogy.  The eulogist described children being in a home without a father as “abortion after birth” and said black lives do not matter unless blacks stop killing each other. He also said “there are not fathers in the home no more” and said that a black woman cannot raise a black boy to be a man. Some people suggested that was disrespectful of Aretha Franklin, a single mother of four boys.

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Round Two

Boner Candidate #1: I DON’T DO NEEDLES

A woman refused to follow doctors’ advice because she ‘didn’t do needles’ died after falling into a diabetic coma. Natasha Horne, 20, kept her Type 1 diabetes diagnosis secret and refused to follow medical advice which would have let her live a normal life. Now her heartbroken parents aim to ensure her death isn’t in vain by spreading awareness of, and raising funds for, diabetes issues.  Her mother, Jackie, 43, and father Stephen, 44, described how Tasha’s reluctance to acknowledge her illness had tragic consequences. Jackie, who lives in Middlesbrough, said: ‘She was opinionated but she’d do anything for anybody. If friends didn’t have money for lunch at school, she’d buy it for them because she’d rather go without. Everybody knew her. She did what she did and people knew the way she was.’ After leaving school, she briefly went to college and tried various jobs, but was still trying to find her path. Last year, however, her world turned upside down when Jackie, a pharmacy manager at Lloyds on the Trunk Road, persuaded her to be tested for diabetes.

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Boner Candidate #2: POT CAN MAKE YOU SOMEWHAT FORGETFUL.

Employees at the Pines Thrift Store in Sarasota, Florida, are scratching their heads after someone left nearly 5 pounds of marijuana outside the shop last week. Four bags of vacuum-sealed marijuana turned up inside a tote bag near the clothing drop-off area outside the store, officials with the Sarasota Police Department told Fox 13. Inside the tote was a brown paper bag, which contained the pot. The cops were called after an employee opened the bag and saw what was inside. The pot weighed about 4.7 pounds and is worth an estimated $5,400, ABC News reported. So far, no arrests have been made, according to Fox 13. However, the Sarasota Police Department sent the bags off for DNA and other testing to find out the drugs’ source. Officials are also checking to see if surveillance footage of the area could help them in their investigation, WFTS-News reported.

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Boner Candidate #3: I’M JUST FRIENDLY…ESPECIALLY WITH TACO BELL MENU ITEMS.

On August 31st, the world said goodbye to legendary soul singer, Aretha Franklin, in a beautiful homegoing that paid tribute to her remarkable life and legacy. While the funeral brought generations together in celebration of The Queen of Soul, it unfortunately wasn’t without controversy due to the behavior of others. Following Ariana Grande’s moving rendition of Franklin’s hit, “(You Make Me Feel Like) A Natural Woman”—a performance that was personally requested by the Franklin family—Grande was joined by Bishop Charles H. Ellis III. It was then that the Bishop and Grande shared a seemingly casual embrace. However, Bishop Ellis’ hand remained on Grande throughout their time on the pulpit, moving higher and higher until it rested on the pop star’s right breast. Video of the event quickly went viral, showing Grande’s surprised expression and open discomfort at the prolonged contact. Viewers immediately took to social media to express their anger and frustration. In response, #RespectAriana started trending on Twitter.

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