Boners

Boner Candidates August 5, 2016

Boner Candidate #1: SPEAK ENGLISH BITCH

Yolanda Flores took her son for a physical at the Mesa County Health Department on Monday, to prepare for his high school football season.She ended up using her cellphone to record a verbal assault in the parking lot, laced with racial slurs and threats, because she wanted to document what was happening in case she was physically harmed. In the video, which has gone viral on social media, her assailants accuse her of being a “wetback,” berate her for not speaking English, and accuse her of getting free services and giving Mexicans a bad reputation. For someone who has worked hard to join the American culture and who has lived legally in the United States for decades, having this happen was terrifying and disappointing to Flores and her family.

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Boner Candidate #2: SOUNDS LIKE THESE GUYS ALL DESERVED EACH OTHER

On Sunday, George Zimmerman called 911 claiming that a man punched him in the face at a Florida restaurant after recognizing him as the killer of Trayvon Martin, WFTV reports. “He recognized me,” Zimmerman told the dispatcher when asked how the altercation began. “He told me he was going to kill me he told me he’d (expletive) shoot me and he punched me in the face.” But Zimmerman’s version of events is just one of three contradictory accounts of what happened that night. Zimmerman claims the dispute began after he approached a man sitting at another table and complimented the man’s Confederate flag tattoos,The Orlando Sentinel reports. According to Zimmerman’s version of events, the man thanked him and asked “Aren’t you that guy,” to which Zimmerman says he said yes and showed his ID.

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Boner Candidate #3: SEEMS LIKE A QUALIFIED CANDIDATE TO ME

Good people of Missouri, former Navy SEAL (and former Democrat) Eric Greitens would like to be your next Governor. Now please watch him fire off a Gatling-style machine gun for 20 seconds. Greitens won the Missouri primary just days ago, positioning himself as an “outsider” who will “take aim at politics as usual.” Greitens isn’t a single issue candidate by any means, though. He also released an ad where he shoots this gun: In addition to Missouri voters, Greitens has also garnered the attention of conservative billionaire Sheldon Adelson, who donated $200,000 to Greitens’ campaign. So, Eric, how are you feeling on the heels of your big win?

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