Boner of the Day

Boner Candidates March 2, 2016

Boner Candidate #1: A GREAT AMERICAN?

More than 500 years later, Christopher Columbus still defeated the indigenous Americans — at least in the Utah Legislature. The Senate on Tuesday voted 15­10 to kill a proposal to rename Columbus Day as Indigenous Peoples Day, making it a state holiday to honor the original Americans. “It is meant as no disrespect to any holiday or any person, but our history did not start with Pioneer Days and the celebration we have then,” said Sen. Jim Dabakis, D­Salt Lake City, the sponsor of SB170. “Before Father Escalante got here, before the LDS pioneers arrived, there weren’t just people, there was a thriving, incredible, amazing civilization that was here and we do not pay tribute to that situation.” But senators objected to changing the holiday, calling it a “slap in the face” to Italian­Americans. Sen. Allen Christensen, R­North Ogden, called Columbus a “great American hero.” Sen. Luz Escamilla, D­Salt Lake City, said other states have abandoned Columbus Day to recognize the “genocide” the explorer brought to the native people.

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Boner Candidate #2: HEY WAIT! WHERE’S THE BABY?

According to Chinese news outlet Sina Online, the potentially disastrous incident unfolded in Jiangsu province’s Wujiang district on Saturday. The boy’s grandfather was driving the van when the “restless” child reportedly began scrambling around the vehicle before finally climbing into the trunk. The van’s rear door had malfunctioned since early February when the vehicle was rear-ended in an accident, Sina Online reported. That’s why it popped open when the van began moving, causing the boy to fall out. A good Samaritan who was driving behind the van rushed to the toddler’s rescue. Another driver then chased after the grandfather’s van.“I was waiting at the red light. After passing the intersection, a car chased after me and kept sounding the horn,” the boy’s grandfather said, according to Sky News. “The driver told me a kid fell out of my van. I looked back, parked my van aside and went back to search for my grandson.” In the dashcam footage, the grandfather can be seen rushing over to retrieve the fallen toddler, who did not suffer any injuries.

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Boner Candidate #3: REALLY GOOD FOR WOMEN

While Chris Christie looked on in abject terror, Donald Trump made typically nonsensical claims during his victory speech last night. One of them was, “I’m going to be really good for women.” After being questioned about his previous (sort of) supportive statements about Planned Parenthood, Trump said, “Look, Planned Parenthood has done very good work for many, many, for millions of women, and I’ll say it. And I know a lot of the so-called conservatives, they say that’s really…because I’m a conservative, but I’m a common sense conservative. But millions of women have been helped by Planned Parenthood.” That sounded almost reasonable, if muddled, but then Trump added this: But we’re not going to allow, and we’re not going to fund, as long as you have the abortion going on at Planned Parenthood, and we understand that. I’ve said it loud and clear….I’m going to be really good for women. I’m going to be good for women’s health issues. It’s very important to me.

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