ROUND ONE
BONER CANDIDATE #1:LET THAT MURDER HORNET PUT ONE IN YOU; GO AHEAD
The so-called murder hornet’s arrival in the United States might have you thinking: Just how agonizing is this lethal insect’s sting? Luckily, YouTube adventurer Coyote Peterson has answered that question already, so you don’t have to. (Watch the video below.) A New York Times article over the weekend reported that the insects, actually called Asian giant hornets, are suspected to have arrived in the U.S. and can be deadly to humans who suffer multiple stings. The hornets kill 50 people a year in Japan (but are a bigger threat to honey bees). The Times mentioned Peterson, the “King of Sting,” who let the hornet sting him in a 2018 video so he could grade the world’s most painful stings. The hornet’s stinger lodged in his forearm and caused a greater discharge of venom, Peterson said. If you’re squeamish, here’s how Peterson describes the sensation: “wave of dizziness really quick … searing pain … absolute searing pain! … my hand is seized up and locked in place … wrist starting to swell … no relief yet.”
BONER CANDIDATE #2:I WAS LATE FOR BREAKFAST
Police arrested a drunk driver early Sunday morning after he was caught going 192 mph on a mostly two-lane highway where the maximum speed limit is 60 mph. Trooper H. Axtman tweeted that the 31-year-old told the arresting officer that he was on his way to get breakfast when he was spotted on the Stevens Pass Highway at 7:45 am. Axtman told The Drive that he was behind the wheel of a 2008 Chevrolet Corvette and charged with DUI and reckless driving. Washington is one of several states that has reported an increase in very high-speed driving tied to a reduction in traffic due to stay-at-home orders in place to help slow the spread of the coronavirus.
BONER CANDIDATE #3:I THINK NOVAK SHOULD JUST PLAY WITH HIMSELF
The tennis superstar not only broke Spain’s social distancing rules on Monday to play tennis — he posted video of himself doing it! The 32-year-old posted footage hitting balls back and forth with another man on a clay court in Marbella, Spain. Usually, not a problem … but Spain — which was hit hard by COVID-19 — has strict stay-at-home rules which specifically forbid tennis! So, when Novak posted footage Monday showing a rally with another man, people were super upset! “So happy to play on clay,” Djokovic wrote … “Well, just for a bit with my phone in the hands.” Spain has said athletes are allowed to work out by themselves — but the back-and-forth exchange with another player appears to violate the policy. Unclear if officials will take action against Novak. We’re making calls.
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ROUND TWO
BONER CANDIDATE #1:I WAS HIT BY A DRUNK DRIVER
A man in Rapid City, South Dakota was arrested May 1 on drunk-driving charges after running himself over with his own car. According to a press release obtained by Newsweek, officers from the Rapid City Police Department were called to an intersection at around 11:30 a.m. CT on May 1, “for a report of a subject who had just been run over.” Upon arrival, authorities were directed towards a Subaru Outback in a parking lot on Jackson Boulevard in Rapid City. Officers then approached the vehicle and were able to identify the driver as 39-year old Anthony Williamson of Rapid City. According to the press release, officers smelled “the strong smell of an alcoholic beverage,” emanating from Williamson. Shortly after, police were informed by witnesses that when Williamson’s car entered the intersection, his door opened, and he fell out. While he was on the floor, his car’s rear wheels ran over his legs and a witness was able to stop the car from moving any further. According to the press release, a medical unit evaluated Williamson on the scene, but he declined further treatment.
BONER CANDIDATE #2:I’M ON FIRE DOWN THERE
An Ohio woman is facing multiple charges after she allegedly called 911 and requested the fire department put out a fire in her crotch. The Port Clinton News Herald reported that 50-year-old Katrina Morgan faces a felony charge of disrupting public services and a misdemeanor charge of making false alarms. Morgan is accused of calling 911 Saturday evening and reporting that her “p—y” was on fire, according to a police report from Port Clinton Police Department. Additionally, Morgan asked if the fire department’s hose was working, and told the dispatcher she needed somebody to “come put it out with their hose.” Police say Morgan was at her friend’s house when she called 911, and upon an officer’s arrival, she became agitated after being told she would be arrested for making false reports.
BONER CANDIDATE #3:BUT THEY WILL BE PROTECTED UNDER UTAH LAW, RIGHT?
Nearly half of the employees of a Utah County business tested positive for COVID-19 after the business instructed employees to not follow quarantine guidelines and required staff who had tested positive to report to work, according to a written statement from county executives. The statement, which was released Monday evening and was signed by Utah County Commissioners Tanner Ainge, Bill Lee and Nathan Ivie and the mayors of each city in the county, said that 48% of employees of the unnamed business tested positive for COVID-19. Between this business and another in a different geographic region of the county that “did not follow COVID-19 best practices,” 68 employees tested positive for coronavirus, Utah County executives said.
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