ROUND ONE
BONER CANDIDATE #1:I’M THE SPY BOSS AND SPIES LIE.
President Trump’s pick to lead U.S. intelligence, Rep. John Ratcliffe, appears to have scrubbed some of his most controversial boasts about his national security background from two websites around the time Trump nominated him to the post for a second time last winter. If he does get the job as America’s spymaster, Rep. Ratcliffe may want to consult U.S. intel experts about something called the “Wayback Machine” — which allows anyone with an internet connection to see how websites used to look, even after you’ve deleted the embarrassing stuff. The apparent clean-up job marks the latest twist in Ratcliffe’s scandal-prone quest to become Director of National Intelligence, which had appeared to collapse spectacularly last summer when questions emerged about Ratcliffe padding his national security resume with exaggerations about his time as a prosecutor east Texas, and about his reputation for dogged partisanship as a member of Congress.
BONER CANDIDATE #2:MNUCHIN MIXES IT UP WITH ROSE.
Guns N’ Roses frontman Axl Rose called out Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin on Twitter on Wednesday. And when Mnuchin fired back with a question for the rock icon, Twitter users quickly joined in the civil war ― most of them piling on the treasury secretary with reminders of his recent history. It’s not clear what specifically set Rose off, but he challenged Mnuchin to get in the ring with this message: Mnuchin, clearly with an appetite for destruction, replied with a question for Rose, and it looks like the two won’t be going down to Paradise City together anytime soon: Mnuchin’s initial tweet, according to screenshots, featured a flag of Liberia rather than that of the United States. He deleted the tweet and replaced it with one with the proper flag.
BONER CANDIDATE #3:I AM RAND PAUL. I AM IMMUNE!
Sen. Rand Paul (R-Ky.) decided not to wear a protective mask when he returned to the Senate for work this week, claiming that he has immunity from COVID-19 after getting infected with it in late March and recovering. “I have immunity. I’ve already had the virus, so I can’t get it again,” Paul said when asked by reporters why he wasn’t wearing a mask as suggested by federal guidelines. “And I can’t give it to anybody.”He added: “So of all the people you’ll meet here, I’m about the only safe person in Washington.” Paul was the first known senator to have contracted the virus. On March 22, his office announced that he had tested positive for COVID-19 and had placed himself in quarantine. Paul was asymptomatic and had tested “out of an abundance of caution,” his office reported at the time.
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ROUND TWO
BONER CANDIDATE #1:PROGRESSIVE. WHO WANTS TO BE PROGRESSIVE?
Laura Ingraham accused Democrats and left-wingers Wednesday of trying to take advantage of the coronavirus pandemic to remake America into a “progressive society.” “It’s hard to imagine that there are actually people out there who seem happier when most of America is miserable and conversely, they’re miserable when most of you are happy,” “The Ingraham Angle” host began. “But that sums up things on the left and the age of Trump, and especially during this unprecedented COVID crisis.” “Now, with the pandemic as a kind of cover, they’re excited about ramming through this new vision for a new America,” Ingraham added. The host accused “the left” of wanting to remake America because they are unhappy with Trump.
BONER CANDIDATE #2:THE FLUSH HEARD ROUND THE COUNTRY
Well, someone forgot to mute. The Supreme Court was making history Wednesday afternoon, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing. Across the country, the public that has never before this week been able to listen in real time to oral arguments held remotely was treated not only to deep questions related to the First Amendment and robocalls but also to someone’s apparent bathroom break. The errant flush from an unknown source comes as the justices, lawyers and the country are dealing with the new realities — and hazards — of conducting their business over teleconference lines.
BONER CANDIDATE #3:WHADDA YA MEAN NO KUNG PAO.
The Mill House Brewing Company has spent the past several weeks trying to figure out the best way to deal with… you know, all of this. The award-winning Poughkeepsie, New York pub and brewery temporarily closed at the end of March, before deciding to reopen four days a week with a 10-person crew. It set up a drive-through beer tent, it’s sold gift cards for the After Times, and it’s currently offering take-out orders and contactless delivery for food and its own brews. But because everything is extra complicated right now, it seems difficult for the restaurant to celebrate what should’ve been an incredibly successful dinner promotion. For four nights last week, Mill House offered a classic Americanized Chinese takeout meal, which included enough sesame chicken, spare ribs, beef and broccoli, vegetable egg rolls, sesame lo mein noodles, and pork fried rice to feed a family of four.
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