Boners

Boner Preview Candidates April 7, 2016

Boner Preview Candidate #1: THIS IS NOT MY CRACK PIPE. I’M KEEPING IT FOR A FRIEND.

A woman arrested for cocaine possession told Florida jailers that the crack pipe found hidden in her vagina was not her property, but rather she was storing the drug paraphernalia for a friend. Tiffany Flores, 23, was arrested yesterday afternoon following a traffic stop in Fellsmere, a city just north of Vero Beach (where Flores resides). Flores, a passenger in the vehicle stopped, confessed to ownership of a small bag of cocaine that a cop found on the roadway “directly beside the passenger door frame,”according to an arrest affidavit.

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Boner Preview Candidate #2: AND THAT WOULD KEEP YOU FROM BEING ARRESTED HOW?

Hernando Sheriff’s deputies arrested a man who reportedly broke into a Spring Hill store, then sprayed himself with fire extinguishers in an effort to elude capture. Authorities say on March 4 Anthony Dixon, 18, turned off the power to a Family Dollar store at 10620 Northcliffe Boulevard from the outside, then used a cinder block to break the store’s front glass window. Deputies were alerted to the break-in by a 911 call from someone in the area who heard the sound of breaking glass, then saw Dixon running from the store.

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Boner Preview Candidate #3: AND ANOTHER UTAH ANIMAL ABUSER

A Layton man was arrested Sunday after police discovered that two bighorn sheep had been decapitated near a freeway in Oregon. Justin M. Samora, 32, was arrested for investigation of aiding in a game violation. Oregon state police say officers were called Sunday morning to investigate a suspicious circumstance on the side of I-84 near the small town of Biggs Junction. “The reporting party stated it appeared a subject was gutting a big game animal,” the agency said in a statement.

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Boner Preview Candidate #4: HORSE DRAGGIN CREEP

An employee of a lavender farm in Juab County has been arrested on a charge of aggravated cruelty to an animal for allegedly torturing a horse, a class A misdemeanor. According to a charging document filed Monday in 4th District Court, Freeman A. Yoder, an employee at Young Living Lavender Farm in Mona, tied a draft horse to a truck on April 1 and drove faster and faster until the animal fell. The 38­ year ­old Nephi man continued driving, dragging the horse on the ground by its head and neck, the court document says.

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Boner Preview Candidate #5: I’M JUST A POOR MISUNDERSTOOD NAZI

He sparked outrage when he ordered a birthday cake for his son, Adolf Hitler but now Isidore Heath Campbell insists he’s just a misunderstood Nazi dad. Campbell, 42, says his clan is being “treated like garbage” — all because of his affinity for one of the most evil figures in world history. “A person makes a person, a name doesn’t,” he says in the new documentary “Meet the Hitlers,” released Tuesday on iTunes. Campbell, of New Jersey, first made headlines in 2008 for complaining that a ShopRite supermarket refused to write his then-7-year-old son’s name on a birthday cake.

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Boner Preview Candidate #6: BROKEN BONES ARE PART OF THE LESSON

Parents are suing a Utah school district after they say their daughter suffered a severe leg injury during an alcohol impairment simulation exercise. The Standard­Examiner reports that the suit claims 13­ year­ old Kylie Nielsen and her classmates were told to use “drunk goggles” for a health class exercise at Centennial Junior High School. The lawsuit says the goggles were designed to significantly impair the wearer’s vision and perception abilities to simulate drunkenness.

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