Life

Governor Herbert Introduces “The Zion Hood”

Utah lawmakers and leaders are visionaries

On Tuesday, Utah’s Governor Gary Herbert introduced a new law that could help usher in an era of literal un-recognizability and sobriety across the state. What Utah residents are calling The Zion Hood, is destined to be the future of socializing among Salt Lake’s growing nightlife. At its unveiling, the Governor discussed how the idea came to him: “One night I awoke from my slumber, dreaming of ponies and taffy, to get a glass of 2% milk when I noticed my nightlight had burnt out. It was at that moment I realized that if I couldn’t drink milk in the dark then the fine residents of Utah could not drink the devil’s spit in the dark either. Thus, by simply placing a bag or a cloth fastened at the neck with twine, could easily help those who choose to drink to really consider the health risks that come with imbibing. I like to think of them as a personal club for members” You can watch footage from the press conference here.

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Those opposed to the new measure have cited that placing a bag over one’s head could lead to very serious injuries from bumping into things and not actually being able to drink through a bag over the head to having people grab them in the junk and not knowing who the culprit was (though we would all know who would do such a thing even though he has only been to Utah once in the last year).  Other concerns are the costs levied on bars forced to provided The Zion Hood to patrons – not to mention the challenge of drinking beer or carbonated ciders through a straw as the Governor mentioned that no holes can be added to any of the drinking hoods. It must be a full hood. This could also put an end to dance club in the entire state, which has Kevin Bacon very concerned.

“I like to think of them as a personal club for members.” – Utah Governor Gary Herbert

Schmirnoff Borracho, head of non-profit Real Utahns Mix, also pointed out that this could lead to hooded-driving, which provides it’s own set of problems. “This really has a ripple effect, not just in citizen’s lives, but across multiple government agencies. This would put an end to shots as we know it: vodka, tequila, mind erasers, lemon drops and the like.” There are also complications to Utah’s tourism and convention revenue, obviously. “Do the outdoor retailers really want to put a bag over their head to drink a Full Suspension? Hell the heck no, they don’t. They have beards and well-coiffed mustaches they want to show off!”

On the plus side, meeting people at bars and social clubs could become a richer experience as their true light and personality would really have to shine through the hood.

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Recent stories, such as Lamb’s Café losing its liquor license and the infamous Zion Ceiling at the Eccles Center downtown, have brought Utah drinking laws back into the spotlight. Utahns will have a chance to decide this fall, on November 8th,  which politician will best represent their social lives.

If you haven’t registered to vote yet, you should here.

 


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