Boner Candidate #1: TP BANDIT
As the coronavirus scare prompts panicked runs on toilet paper worldwide, a Florida Man was arrested yesterday for the 1 AM theft of some two-ply bath tissue from a neighbor’s vehicle, according to court records. Police allege that Safraz Shakoor, 25, burglarized a Dodge truck parked in the driveway of a residence a few blocks from his Clearwater home. Shakoor, cops say, was recorded on a Ring video surveillance camera entering the unlocked truck’s backseat and swiping “a roll of toilet paper from a 6-pack of Smart & Simple bath tissue.” A pack of the toilet paper–perhaps the cheapest brand on the market–sells for $1 at Dollar General (though the retailer is currently out of stock, according to its web site). The product is described as “Made in the USA from 100% recycled fiber.” The truck’s owner told police that the toilet paper thief was a “tall male with a gray hoodie,” an arrest affidavit notes. In short order, deputies located a suspect–later identified as the 6’ 4”, 230-pound Shakoor–matching that description at a nearby home. “Defendant consented to search of his person and a single roll of toilet paper was found in his right front pocket,” cops say. The seized item matched the Smart & Simple toilet paper swiped from the Dodge. During post-arrest questioning, Shakoor “denied entering vehicle.” Read More
Boner Candidate #2: I DON’T KNOW HOW WE’LL CATCH HIM, HE’S SO SPEEDY.
Gwinnett County police are probably going to need more than cheese to lure this Speedy Gonzalez out of hiding.… Generations of Looney Toons fans probably remember the swift-footed Mexican mouse character named Speedy Gonzales, but police announced on Tuesday that they have charged a 35-year-old Buford man — who officers say is also named Speedy Gonzalez — with forgery, identity theft and theft by deception. The charges are related to checks that were stolen from a Suwanee home and later used at a Home Depot in the Snellville area. “His current whereabouts are unknown,” police said on Tuesday. “We urge Speedy to turn himself in to the Gwinnett County Jail.” While his name might sound unusual, or fake, Gwinnett County jail records show he has been booked under the name several times in the past, including two arrests on identity theft and theft by deception in early 2019. No other first or middle name is listed for him in the jail records. Police have accused Gonzalez of stealing the checks from a mailbox at a home on Lake Haven Way in Suwanee on Jan. 21. The checks were supposed to be delivered to various recipients.
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