Boner of the Day

Boner of the Day for March 13th, 2020

ROUND ONE

 

Boner Candidate #1: HE WAS EATING THE EVIDENCE

Orlando, FL — A Florida man was caught using the stolen credit card of a dead man and was then seen trying to eat the card to destroy evidence before he was questioned by deputies, according to an arrest report. Orange County deputies said they were called to Disney Springs Monday for the report of a man trying to purchase jewelry and gift cards with a fraudulent debit card. When they arrived, deputies said they saw Jose Herrera, 27, detained by Disney security, making strange movements with his hand inside his pocket. Upon investigation, deputies said they found a baggie of a white powdery substance in Herrera’s pocket. When questioned about the contents of the baggie, Herrera was up front with deputies: “I’m not going to lie, it’s cocaine,” he said, according to an arrest report. Other law enforcement who witnessed the incident told deputies they saw Herrera try to eat the fraudulent card in an attempt to destroy the evidence before he could be questioned.
Herrera was able to purchase a soft drink, $400 worth of Disney gift cards and attempted to buy $360 worth of jewelry on the stolen debit card, investigators said. Read More

Boner Candidate #2: TP BANDIT

Pinellas County, FL — As the coronavirus scare prompts panicked runs on toilet paper worldwide, a Florida Man was arrested yesterday for the 1 AM theft of some two-ply bath tissue from a neighbor’s vehicle, according to court records. Police allege that Safraz Shakoor, 25, burglarized a Dodge truck parked in the driveway of a residence a few blocks from his Clearwater home. Shakoor, cops say, was recorded on a Ring video surveillance camera entering the unlocked truck’s backseat and swiping “a roll of toilet paper from a 6-pack of Smart & Simple bath tissue.” A pack of the toilet paper–perhaps the cheapest brand on the market–sells for $1 at Dollar General (though the retailer is currently out of stock, according to its web site). The product is described as “Made in the USA from 100% recycled fiber.” The truck’s owner told police that the toilet paper thief was a “tall male with a gray hoodie,” an arrest affidavit notes. In short order, deputies located a suspect–later identified as the 6’ 4”, 230-pound Shakoor–matching that description at a nearby home. “Defendant consented to search of his person and a single roll of toilet paper was found in his right front pocket,” cops say. The seized item matched the Smart & Simple toilet paper swiped from the Dodge. During post-arrest questioning, Shakoor “denied entering vehicle.” Read More

Boner Candidate #3: I’M WEARING CHICKEN FEET

A rubbery delicacy in many cuisines, including dim sum, chicken feet are covered with skin that has a similar texture and pattern to snake or crocodile skin. Ramdhany’s father had researched these more exotic skins and recommended he try making shoes with chicken feet, which he started doing in 2017. Now, Ramdhany and a team of five, including his father, produce shoes entirely or partially made from chicken feet in a labor-intensive operation that takes 10 days. They skin the feet by hand, dye the skins and sew them into pieces that can be fashioned into shoes. It takes 45 chicken feet to make a pair of shoes, which are priced between $35 and $140. Ramdhany said he is mainly motivated by the opportunity to use a waste product from fast food restaurants and markets, his main suppliers. “The waste is a lot, that is why we try to process it to get more value from it,” he said. Food waste is forecast to rise by almost a third to more than 2 billion tonnes by 2030, the Boston Consulting Group forecast in 2018. Ramdhany says customers like his shoes. Read More

ROUND TWO

 

Boner Candidate #1: THE MCDOUBLE CAN BE DANGEROUS…WHEN USED AS A WEAPON.

Holiday, FL — A victim was struck in the head with a thrown McDonald’s McDouble burger during a domestic disturbance last night, Florida police report. Cops allege that Tyler Hardeman “engaged in a verbal argument with the victim” at a residence in Holiday, a Tampa suburb. During the 9:45 PM squabble, the 23-year-old Hardeman first “threw a McDouble (hamburger) at the defendant’s head,” a complaint affidavit reports. The McDouble hit the victim in the left ear, but did not cause injury. Hardeman also allegedly threw a vaping device, striking the victim in the left knee, causing “redness and lacerations.” When the victim sought to run from Hardeman, cops say, he grabbed the victim’s shirt, “which resulted in the shirt being ripped off the victim.” The victim’s name was redacted from the affidavit by police. Hardeman, seen above, was arrested for domestic aggravated battery with a deadly weapon. Hardeman, who works as a packer at a liquor store, was booked into the Pasco County jail on the felony count. Read More

Boner Candidate #2: GOUGING MY CLASSMATES

Oliver Cooper, 13, bought a tub of Johnson’s child handwash from a Tesco grocery store for £1.60 — about $2 — after hearing about the coronavirus outbreak on the radio, Metro UK reported. The young entrepreneur, who attends Dixon’s Unity Academy in Leeds, offered some to his friends, who suggested that he start a “business” on the playground selling squirts for 50 pence each —  round 65 cents — to other kids, the outlet reported. He did just that and ended up making £9 — just over $11 — before he got in trouble for offering some to his teacher. “It’s ridiculous really,” Cooper told Metro. “I asked the teacher if [she] wanted any and she said ‘no, I’ve already got some, but you’re not allowed to do that.’” Cooper’s mom Jenny Tompkins posted about what her son had done on Facebook, along with a photo of the boy with his back turned to the camera. “This is a picture of my teenage son just getting in from school,” she wrote Wednesday. “Why is he getting in from school at 10:53 a.m., you ask? Schools don’t finish until 3 p.m.” She explained that “the little turd” was caught charging classmates for the sanitizer to “protect themselves from the bloody coronavirus!!” “Very hard to discipline this behavior when his dad phones him from work to call him a f—ing legend,” she added. Tompkins told Metro she didn’t consider her son’s actions an “excludable offense” and “told him off,” but wouldn’t be punishing him any further. Read More

Boner Candidate #3: I DON’T KNOW HOW WE’LL CATCH HIM, HE’S SO SPEEDY.

Gwinnett County police are probably going to need more than cheese to lure this Speedy Gonzalez out of hiding.Generations of Looney Toons fans probably remember the swift-footed Mexican mouse character named Speedy Gonzales, but police announced on Tuesday that they have charged a 35-year-old Buford man — who officers say is also named Speedy Gonzalez — with forgery, identity theft and theft by deception. The charges are related to checks that were stolen from a Suwanee home and later used at a Home Depot in the Snellville area. “His current whereabouts are unknown,” police said on Tuesday. “We urge Speedy to turn himself in to the Gwinnett County Jail.” While his name might sound unusual, or fake, Gwinnett County jail records show he has been booked under the name several times in the past, including two arrests on identity theft and theft by deception in early 2019. No other first or middle name is listed for him in the jail records. Police have accused Gonzalez of stealing the checks from a mailbox at a home on Lake Haven Way in Suwanee on Jan. 21. The checks were supposed to be delivered to various recipients.

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