Boners

Boner of the Day for April 14th, 2020

ROUND ONE

BONER CANDIDATE #1: BILL GATES WANTS TO MICROCHIP PEOPLE

Roger Stone suggested Monday that Bill Gates may have had a hand in the creation of coronavirus so that he could plant microchips in people’s heads to know who has and has not been tested for COVID-19. “Whether Bill Gates played some role in the creation and spread of this virus is open for vigorous debate. I have conservative friends who say it’s ridiculous and others say absolutely,” Stone told Joe Piscopo, host of the radio program “The Answer” on 970 AM, who had asked about conspiracy theories regarding the pandemic. “He and other globalists are using it for mandatory vaccinations and microchipping people so we know if they’ve been tested. Over my dead body. Mandatory vaccinations? No way, Jose!” Stone told a fawning Piscopo, who referred to President Trump’s longtime adviser as “a legend.” Gates has long been an outspoken advocate for preparing for a global health crisis like coronavirus.

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BONER CANDIDATE #2: COULDN’T FIND A BETTER PICTURE OF THE DEMOCRAT

What was anticipated to be one of the nation’s highest-profile House races — the Republican effort to unseat Utah’s only Democrat in Congress, Rep. Ben McAdams — has stayed largely under the radar even as GOP delegates prepare to winnow a crowded field later this month for the primary election. “In some sense, it’s a casualty of the coronavirus challenges,” said Chris Karpowitz, co-director of BYU’s Center for the Study of Elections and Democracy. “I think it’s very hard for challengers to get the attention of the public at this point.” Adding to the difficulties for the seven Republicans in this race, the political science professor said, is that McAdams was hospitalized for more than a week after becoming the second member of Congress to test positive for COVID-19. The freshman congressman is now recovering at home. “It’s hard to campaign aggressively when the incumbent is in the hospital and struggling with the very virus that everyone is concerned about,” Karpowitz said.

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BONER CANDIDATE #3: STOPPING FOR A BEVERAGE

A man was arrested Friday after police say he stopped to have a drink in the lobby while robbing a California bank. Riverside police say the suspect, 19-year-old Sonny Gutierrez, walked into a bank Friday afternoon and handed the teller a note that said he had a firearm and demanded money. At that point, officers say he patiently waited in the lobby while drinking an “adult beverage,” which gave the employees time to call 911 and for officers to arrive. Police made a plan to go into the bank and took Gutierrez into custody on a charge of attempted robbery.

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ROUND TWO

BONER CANDIDATE #1:BUT IT WAS REALLY LOUD SNORING

A British police department posted a reminder on Twitter not to call the emergency number to report a neighbor for snoring. The Essex Police’s communications officer tweeted that a call came in Sunday to the department’s 999 emergency number reporting that the caller could hear someone snoring loudly. “An unusual 999 call at this time of the day, caller reporting they can hear someone snoring. Advice was given to them and snoring is never a reason to call 999, no matter how annoying it is,” the officer tweeted. The tweet used the hashtag “#emergenciesonly,” reminding the public that the 999 number is only for reporting emergency situations.

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BONER CANDIDATE #2:NASCAR RACISM

Apparently not realizing his volume was on during the online simulation bout, Larson seemed to say to others on the stream, “You can’t hear me? Hey, n*****.” There was a stunned silence afterward before Anthony Alfredo responded, “Kyle, you’re talking to everyone, bud.” Added Aron MacEachern: “Yup, we heard that.”Said host of the viral stream, Justin Botelho: “Oh damn, he did not just say that.” Neither Larson nor NASCAR have made public comments regarding the incident. McDonald’s and Credit One Bank, which sponsor Larson, have not responded to Sporting News’ requests for comment. Larson, a Japanese-American competitor, is a graduate of NASCAR’s Drive for Diversity program. In the weeks since the coronavirus pandemic halted live NASCAR events, the sport has held virtual races between drivers on the iRacing simulator. The drivers are situated at home but talk amongst themselves on Twitch live streams over the course of the virual contests.

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BONER CANDIDATE #3:IS THIS REALLY A WISE USE OF YOUR RESOURCES

Despite a possible coronavirus outbreak in North Korea, the country has fired missiles off its east coast from the ground as well as fighter jets on Tuesday, according to South Korea’s military. The back-to-back launches were reportedly fired as a show of force on the eve of North Korea’s late founder, Kim Il Sung’s 108th birthday, the grandfather of current leader Kim Jong Un and parliamentary elections in the South. During the first barrage, North Korean troops in Munchonto fired what were presumed to be cruise missiles, according to a statement by South Korea’s Joint Chiefs of Staff. They flew roughly 93 miles off the coast, per a South Korean defense official. North Korea has carried out short-range missile and weapons tests in recent weeks amid stalled nuclear talks with the U.S. Most of the weapons tested, however, were ballistic missiles or long-range artillery shells.

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