Boner of the Day

Boner of the Day for April 17th, 2019

Round One

Boner Candidate #1: SQUIRT, SQUIRT, SQUIRT

A 71-year-old Florida man filled a squirt gun with urine and sprayed a woman who was walking her dog, officials said. Gulfport police said in an arrest report that Joel William Benjamin approached the woman on Sunday and squirted her several times with urine. The report said Benjamin told officers he would “do it again,” but it was unclear what motivated the attack. He faces a misdemeanor battery charge and left jail after posting a $500 bond. A lawyer for Benjamin wasn’t listed on jail records. Gulfport is near St. Petersburg on Florida’s Gulf Coast.

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Boner Candidate #2: HE SAID HE WAS SORRY

A 15-year-old Salt Lake County girl said she had to switch to another school because the Salt Lake City School District didn’t take anti-Semitic threats seriously enough. Jon Fink, a relative of the girl’s,  says he was disturbed after learning that his family member went to school with a young man who allegedly threatened several minority groups with gun violence. According to Fink, a student at Innovations Early College High School has been making anti-Semitic and pro-neo-Nazi statements like: “Jews shouldn`t have their own holidays. Why do they have their own holidays? We can`t have them. When I`m an adult I want to be a neo-Nazi.” When Fink heard about it a few weeks ago, he immediately called the school district. “Passover is this week. Hitler’s birthday is April 20th. The Oklahoma City bombing anniversary and apparently this is neo-Nazi celebration week,” Fink said. According to a Salt Lake City School District representative, the compliance officer who conducted the investigation spoke to the students involved and “has not found anyone who heard the accused student make any threat of gun violence in any instance.” “Even though state law requires them to report it to the authorities they decided not to. They circumvented the process that keeps us safe,” Fink said. Fink says the district didn’t do enough so he contacted law enforcement himself. “Law enforcement has told me that they interviewed the student. The student has expressed remorse,” Fink said.

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Boner Candidate #3: YOU CAN’T TELL ME THAT THEM AIN’T ALIEN LASERS

The man from Clinton County who fired shots at what he thought were “alien lasers” is headed to prison. Troopers say Jesse Shields of Mill Hall was high on bath salts last June when he fired a handgun into the sky near Mill Hall. The lasers were actually fireflies. Fearing they were being chased, Shields and a woman, Katherine McCloskey, ran to a nearby home where the homeowner got the gun from them and called 911. Shields then allegedly asked the homeowner if he could take a shower to “get the goo off him that was burning his skin.” Shields was sentenced on Monday to three to six years in prison after pleading guilty last month to criminal trespass and firearms without a license. McCloskey pleaded guilty in November to DUI, operating a vehicle while under the influence of a controlled substance, and disorderly conduct. She was sentenced to six days to six months in jail.

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Round Two

Boner Candidate #1: THE PRESIDENT IS HIGHLY BIBLICAL

One of the most unique — and hard to grasp — phenomena of Donald Trump’s presidential candidacy (and his time in the White House) is the solid and unwavering support he has enjoyed from evangelical Christians. Witness former presidential candidate — and former House member — Michele Bachmann, R-Minnesota, in an interview over the weekend with a Christian conservative radio show called “Understanding These Times”: “[Trump] is highly biblical, and I would say to your listeners, we will in all likelihood never see a more godly, biblical president again in our lifetime. So we need to be not only praying for him, we need to support him, in my opinion, in every possible way that we can.” 

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Boner Candidate #2: LIVES ARE MORE IMPORTANT THAT GOLF

Some took their annoyance at a brief interruption while watching Tiger Woods make history on Sunday to the extreme, even threatening a local meteorologist. CBS46’s meteorologist, Ella Dorsey, says she received death threats for cutting in on The Masters Tournament coverage to update Georgia constituents about a tornado in the area. “To everyone sending me death threats right now: you wouldn’t be saying a damn thing if a tornado was ravaging your home this afternoon,” Dorsey wrote on Twitter. “Lives are more important than 5 minutes of golf. I will continue to repeat that if and when we cut into programming to keep people safe.”

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Boner Candidate #3: DO WE HAVE TO LOOK AT THEM?

The Park City Police Department last week logged two calls about a person suspected to be homeless, cases reported by the same husband and wife who were apparently especially displeased with the sight of a homeless person in the Main Street core. The police responded to two complaints by the husband and wife in quick succession midday on Tuesday, April 9. The first report was on Main Street while the other one was on nearby Park Avenue. In the first case, reported at 12:37 p.m., the person called the police complaining “about a homeless man sleeping on a bench,” according to department logs. The person who contacted the police said “she is offended and would like to (talk) to an officer ASAP,” the logs indicated. Less than a half hour later, at 1:05 p.m., police logs said a woman had called dispatchers repeatedly that day about the person. “She is upset because she has to look at them,” the police logs said, describing that the caller wanted the department to contact her in person. Phil Kirk, a police captain, said officers investigated the case reported at 12:37 p.m. on Main Street. An officer found a man suspected to be homeless on a bench along Main Street and had been asleep earlier. The police told the person who lodged the complaint officers determined the man on the bench had not committed a criminal act. The caller was upset with the determination, Kirk said.

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