ROUND ONE
BONER CANDIDATE #1: WHO THINKS THIS IS FAIR?
Brad and Mitenyu Harmon are working hard to build their American dream in Roy. They have a home, four children, and both have worked their way up as supervisors with a local cleaning company. Mitenyu Harmon said: “Just like everybody else does, we follow the rules.” The pandemic has temporarily cost the Harmons their jobs. Brad quickly found work at a local grocery store, but it doesn’t pay nearly as much as the family was making before the pandemic. The Harmons were hoping to receive help from the ‘CARES Act’, a $2.2-trillion federal stimulus package that provides economic relief payments of $2,400 to couples, with an additional $500 for each child. Read More
BONER CANDIDATE #2: THESE PENCILS WILL MAKE KIDS DO DRUGS
Devotees of the television sitcom “The Big Bang Theory” may recall a brief scene in which Raj Koothrappali expressed disdain that the power ring wielded by the Green Lantern superhero character was ineffective against objects that were yellow (modern Green Lantern) or objects that were made of wood (original Green Lantern), meaning that either version of the character could be thwarted “by a No. 2 pencil”: Such speculation may lie firmly within the realm of fictional characters from comic books and TV series, but in real life a youngster did in fact help subvert an anti-drug campaign via the use of a No. 2 pencil. In 1998, The Bureau for At-Risk Youth distributed pencils to schoolchildren bearing the anti-drug slogan “Too Cool to Do Drugs”: However, according to news reports, a 10-year-old student pointed out that successive sharpenings of those writing implements modified the original slogan into various pro-drug versions, thereby prompting a recall of the pencils. Read More
BONER CANDIDATE #3: ONE BIG DIFFERENCE…THESE THINGS ARE NOT CONTAGIOUS
In a bizarre, eerily-lit interview with Fox News’ Laura Ingraham, celebrity talk show psychologist Dr. Phil McGraw argued for a rapid reopening of the economy and tried to justifiy the end of coronavirus mitigation measures by citing annual mortality data for car accidents and swimming pool deaths. Ingraham has been vocally campaigning to re-open the economy and McGraw echoed that same argument on Thursday night, stepping into the role normally reserved for celebrity talk show doctor Dr. Mehmet Oz, who was notably absent. Oz had just hours earlier apologized for his misleading statements about the risk of reopening schools during an appearance on Hannity the day before. McGraw’s focus during his appearance was the long-term health health risks of extreme isolation, a subject that he claimed is “never” discussed during the public epidemiological assessments about the coronavirus threat. Read More
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ROUND TWO
BONER CANDIDATE #1: I NEEDED THEM
A New Jersey electrical contractor was arrested for allegedly stealing over 1,000 respirator masks meant for hospital workers battling the coronavirus, authorities said Thursday. Kevin Brady is accused of swiping seven or eight cases of N95 masks from the Prudential Financial facility in Iselin between March 27 and April 1, according to the New Jersey Attorney General’s office. Prudential intended to donate the cases, which contained 200 masks each, to a hospital, authorities said. Read More
BONER CANDIDATE #2: IT’S MY RIGHT TO GET PEOPLE SICK
A Utahn is calling for a large gathering at a Salt Lake City park on Saturday while the county remains under a stay-at-home order because of the coronavirus. Eric Moutsos said: “We’re calling all of Utah or surrounding states, whoever wants to come, to have a safe social distancing picnic.” Moutsos, a former Salt Lake City police officer who now lives in southern Utah, recently created the Facebook group Utah Business Revival. He believes local and state leaders have underestimated the mental and economic health implications of the crisis, and he’s calling for the reopening of all businesses. “We believe the deaths of despair are going to far outweigh the deaths of COVID,” he said. Read More
BONER CANDIDATE #3: SHE WAS PROJECTING ALL OVER THE STORE
41-year-old Dominca Dearing of Beachwood, Ohio was arrested after shoplifting from Walmart two days in a row but the real story is her unique, profoundly messy reaction to said arrest. Dearing was spotted shoplifting from Walmart on April 3rd but was able to make it out of the store without being caught. However, store security and police were given her photo, so when she came back the next day, greedy for more “free” stuff, authorities were ready. Dearing was apprehended by Walmart loss prevention officers and taken back into the office area. It was determined Dearing had stolen $238.79 worth of items. Then things got weird. Read More
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