Round One
Boner Candidate #1: I’M A GANG BANGER AND A HISTORIAN
If there’s one thing the internet’s got in spades, it’s jokes about fools who got caught lookin’ silly. These days, you might just be one fail away from being the subject of your own viral social media thread. The latest victim? A self-proclaimed gangster called Amador Carlos Martinez, who was recently pulled over by Fresno Police and was subsequently arrested for possession of a firearm. What makes the case unique, however, is the TYPE of gun that Martinez had on him. Specifically, a Remington Model 1858 Black Powder Revolver. On Monday, March 11, 2019, at 5:00 P.M. Southeast Special Response Team Officer Dillon Biggs and Officer Sukhbir Chauhan were proactively patrolling the area of Third St and Madison Ave in an effort to reduce gang violence and shootings in the Southeast Policing District. They initiated a traffic stop for a vehicle code violation. They contacted the driver, 19-year-old Amador Carlos Martinez, a self-admitted Ruthless Thug Life Fresno Bulldog Criminal Street Gang Member. Martinez admitted to Officer Biggs he had a loaded 44 Magnum revolver under the driver seat. Martinez said he possessed the firearm for his protection against other gang members. Martinez was arrested and booked into the Fresno County Jail for being a felon in possession of a firearm. Please see the attached photograph of the handgun recovered and of suspect Amador Carlos Martinez
Boner Candidate #2: GETTING YOUR MONIES WORTH FROM R.KELLY
R. Kelly fans doled out $100 to see the singer perform at a club in Springfield, Ill., only to be treated to approximately 28 seconds worth of music, just hours after the ‘I Believe I Can Fly’ singer asked media to take it easy on him. The embattled R&B singer shared a video on Instagram before the performance on Sunday at the Dirty South Lounge, in which he called out the media and informed them that he needs to perform to make money amid his sexual abuse case. According to WICS/WRSP, R. Kelly arrived at the Dirty South Lounge at 1:30 a.m., where patrons paid a $100 entrance fee, which was reduced to $50 once the performer arrived. The outlet estimates that there were about 100 people in the club that can hold 450. Kelly allegedly spent 35 minutes thanking fans for their support, taking selfies, dancing, and smoking cigars. At one point, R. Kelly got on a microphone and thanked his fans before singing a line from his song for 28 seconds. The bar then closed at 3:00 a.m. The outlet reports that there were a number of fans outside of the club who were left disappointed, and some went on to claim it was not worth the $100 price of admittance. Supporters also clarified that they separated the “accused criminal” from the “artist,” while others said the claims against R. Kelly, including the long talked about allegations of sexual abuse, were “all lies.”
Boner Candidate #3: THIS “CHIP” THING WAS THE FINAL STRAW.
A man who didn’t want several bags of chips smashed by canned goods allegedly choked a cashier for doing just that, police in Pennsylvania say. According to the York Dispatch, Bradley Bower, 55, is charged with simple assault for the alleged attack, which happened the night before the Super Bowl. Bower and his wife were checking out of Giant Food Store, when he noticed the cashier, Neil Lerch, Jr., was throwing his groceries around. Bower asked the cashier not to smash the several bags of chips he was purchasing. Bower told police the cashier put canned goods in the same bag as Bower’s chips. After paying for his groceries, Bower asked the cashier if he had a problem, police say. Police say Lerch responded by asking Bower, “Do you?” Bower told police he had been having a bad day and the issue with the chips sent him over the edge. That’s when Bower allegedly grabbed the cashier and put his hands around Lerch’s throat. Lerch declined medical attention, but he did have red marks on his neck that looked like they would turn into bruises, according to charging documents. The York Dispatch reports security footage shows Bower also pushed Lerch against the cash register during the ordeal.
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Round Two
Boner Candidate #1: I’M THE OWNER’S WIFE
A 23-year-old woman was taken into custody after breaking into a Stafford daycare and being found completely naked. Early Thursday morning, an officer with the Stafford Sheriff’s Office responded to the Kids on the Move Learning Center in Stafford. Upon arrival, officers said they found a woman dressed in black standing inside the building with a fork in each hand. After she was taken into custody, the suspect told the sergeant he was making a mistake and she was the daycare owner’s wife. Shortly after, the officer spoke with an employee who said she did not recognize the suspect. The employee said she had arrived at the building and began turning lights on when she was suddenly confronted by a naked woman in the doorway of one of the classrooms. The suspect then told the employee she was trespassing and tried to fire her. The sheriff’s office later determined the suspect was not affiliated in any way with the daycare.
Boner Candidate #2: I’M A GARBAGE ARTIST
The sight of a man wearing a thong was all a Florida homeowner needed to call the Martin County Sheriff’s Office last month. Deputies arrested 31-year-old George Blankin on March 12. An arrest report reviewed by TCPalm said the homeowner saw him building a shed and throwing chairs. “The trespasser was wearing a swimsuit and then a thong,” the report stated. Responding deputies said they found a man on the property who was not wearing a shirt or shorts, and he was covered with sand as if he’d just been at the beach. The man was arrested but refused to identify himself. At the county jail, authorities used fingerprints to confirm Blankin as the suspect. “He stated he was an artist that makes things from garbage,” the arrest report read. Blankin faces charges for giving a false name and obstruction without violence.
Boner Candidate #3: ESCALATING THE CRAZY CAT LADY GAME
An Orlando woman has landed behind bars after she allegedly pulled a gun on someone who had asked her to stop feeding stray cats in their neighborhood. The Miami Herald reported Lisa Maureen Saunders, 55, was arrested Thursday for aggravated assault with a firearm. According to an arrest affidavit, the victim had repeatedly complained to police and the Orange County Animal Control that Saunders was feeding stray cats in her neighborhood. The woman worried Saunders was luring sick cats to her neighborhood and that children might contract “scabies” from the animals. The victim said Animal Control had set up traps around the neighborhood to catch the sick animals, but Saunders fed them away from the traps. On March 30, the victim saw Saunders park her car and leave loose cat food on the sidewalk. So, she walked up to her car and tried to confront her. That’s when investigators say Saunders brandished a gun, exited the car and told the woman, “Don’t f— with me.”
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