Boner of the Day

Boner of the Day for August 20th, 2020

ROUND ONE

Boner Candidate #1: I WANT TO APOLOGIZE TO EVERYONE EXCEPT THE CITY I OFFENDED

(CNN)The Cincinnati Reds have announced the suspension of a broadcaster after he uttered an anti-gay slur on the air Wednesday. Play-by-play announcer Thom Brennaman could be heard saying on the Fox Sports Ohio broadcast, “One of the f*g capitals of the world,” before then resuming his on-air duties. It’s unknown what led to that remark and the context behind it. Steinlight Media released a statement on Brennaman’s behalf. “I would like to sincerely apologize for the inappropriate comments I made during last night’s telecast. I made a terrible mistake. To the LGBTQ community, and all people I have hurt or offended, from the bottom of my heart, I am truly sorry. I respectfully ask for your grace and forgiveness,” the statement said. The comment was made after a commercial break during a doubleheader between the Reds and the Kansas City Royals in Kansas City, Missouri. The Reds released a statement, saying that the “organization is devastated by the horrific, homophobic remark.” During the second game of the doubleheader, Brennaman “was pulled off the air, and effective immediately was suspended from doing Reds broadcasts,” the organization said in the statement.

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Boner Candidate #2: I HAVE A SERIOUS LEAF PROBLEM AT HOME

Trussville,  AL — Usually, when someone decides to drive their car into a Home Depot for some thieving, they have the good sense to do it when the retailer is closed. Not Gwendolyn Braswell. The 42-year-old Alabama woman, cops say, was behind the wheel of a Pontiac Sunfire that drove into a Home Depot Friday morning. The bizarre incident was recorded by surveillance cameras inside the store in Trussville, a Birmingham suburb. Police today identified Braswell as the suspect in the August 14 theft, and asked the public for help in determining her whereabouts. Braswell is facing multiple charges, including burglary, criminal mischief, and theft. Cops believe that Braswell had first staged merchandise in the store before returning in the 2000 Pontiac to pick up the goods (a leaf blower and a dehumidifier) around 9 AM. After backing in through the store’s front sliding doors–which were clipped by the Pontiac–Braswell navigated her way down an aisle, but not before plowing into a display and scattering customers. Investigators connected Braswell to the brazen heist thanks to witnesses who took down the Pontiac’s license plate and recorded video. Cops say Braswell used the vehicle without the owner’s permission.

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Boner Candidate #3: THE DEEP STATE IS AFTER ME.

When InfoWars correspondent Millie Weaver was arrested last week, her supporters claimed she was the victim of a “deep state” prosecution of a truth-telling journalist. By Tuesday afternoon, they had raised more than $170,000 to help her fight the charges. In reality, Weaver wasn’t some heroine at the vanguard of a fight against nefarious government agents. Instead, she was arrested on charges of robbing her own mother, according to newly released court documents from police and prosecutors. But despite the less dramatic plot, Weaver’s backers are still laying claim to her victimhood status. And she does not appear inclined to give the money back. On Friday, Weaver livestreamed her arrest at her Ohio home by sheriff’s deputies in Portage County. She claimed she didn’t know why she was being arrested, complained that she had not been warned via the mail that she was about to be indicted, and insisted–as she was being arrested—that she was on the cusp of a major professional moment. “I was literally about to break huge breaking news right now and I’m being arrested and I have no idea why,” Weaver said on her livestream.

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ROUND TWO

Boner Candidate #1: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN… YOUR PRESIDENTIAL MEDAL OF FREEDOM WINNER!

Conservative talk-radio star Rush Limbaugh added to his long history of vile, sexist attacks on prominent women by promoting right-wing stories that described Democratic vice-presidential nominee Kamala Harris as a “hoe” and “mattress,” accusing Harris of “using sex to get ahead.” During Friday’s broadcast of his top-rated radio program, Limbaugh latched onto a couple of stories revolving around the sexist smear that Harris owes her political career to her brief romantic relationship with former San Francisco Mayor Willie Brown in the mid-1990s. Noting that the NBA recently dismissed a photographer from its restart-season bubble after he posted a meme of Harris and Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden, captioned “Joe and the Hoe,” Limbaugh repeatedly spelled out the word “hoe” while rhetorically asking, “What do you think that’s about?” Saying that this “takes me to the second story,” Limbaugh—who was recently awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom by President Donald Trump—then highlighted a recent piece from right-wing magazine The Spectator titled, “Why It Should Matter to Women That Kamala Slept Her Way Up.”

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Boner Candidate #2: THAT GIRL AIN’T NORMAL

Matt Mackowiak, the chairman of Texas’ Travis county Republican Party criticized the appearance of Grammy Award-winning musician Billie Eilish during her appearance at the Democratic National Convention (DNC), simply posting an image of Eilish on Twitter and adding the caption, “Not normal.” Eilish appeared in a dimly lit forest set with her hair streaked with acid green highlights as she implored younger voters to cast ballots for Democratic presidential nominee, former Vice President Joe Biden. “You don’t need me to tell you things are a mess,” Eilish began. “[Republican President] Donald Trump is destroying our country and everything we care about. We need leaders who will solve problems like climate change and COVID, not deny them; leaders who will fight against systemic racism and inequality.” “It starts by voting against Donald Trump and for Joe Biden,” she continued. “Silence is not an option and we cannot sit this one out. We all have to vote like our lives and the world depend on it, because they do. The only way to be certain of the future is to make it ourselves. Please register. Please vote.”

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Boner Candidate #3: THAT TOE CAME OFF OUT IN THE BRIGHT SUNSHINE AND FRESH AIR.

Jefferson City, MO — A western Missouri doctor has lost his state medical license after amputating a patient’s gangrenous toe on the porch of his rural office that doubled as a machine shed. The Missouri State Board of Registration for the Healing Arts revoked John Ure’s physician and surgeon license in June, the Springfield News-Leader reported. Ure had been practicing in Deepwater, located about halfway between Springfield and Kansas City. Documents filed by the board said Ure performed the amputation in May 2016 on the porch of his office, which doubled as a machine shed and lacked running water and restrooms. The board also described instances where Ure improperly prescribed painkillers to two different patients. Reached Wednesday, the 73-year-old Ure called the board’s action “a travesty of justice,” and said state officials seemed intent of stripping him of his medical practice. He explained that the amputation he performed was done to help a friend who was fearful of hospitals and had refused to go to one to have the gangrenous toe treated, putting his life in danger. “This toe amputation … everything was absolutely perfectly sterile, out in the bright sunshine and fresh air,” he said. Ure cannot apply for reinstatement of his license for two years, under terms of the license revocation.

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