Boners

Boner of the Day for December 15, 2020

ROUND ONE

Boner Candidate #1: CONFLICT OF INTEREST…..MMMMM.

Vern Jones is a Utah landman, a professional who secures rights to federal minerals on behalf of himself and others in the oil and gas business. But for years Jones has also worked as a contract employee inside the Bureau of Land Management’s Utah state office. This long-time arrangement is getting fresh scrutiny as federal regulations bar BLM employees from acquiring an interest in minerals overseen by the agency. Jones’ purchase of federal oil and gas leases, including two covering 4,205 acres in Iron County at a recent auction, didn’t seem to bother anybody at the BLM for at least a decade. That changed suddenly Friday, when the agency’s new Utah state director, Greg Sheehan, suspended a near-completed analysis of a tar sands lease Jones had applied for years ago while the bureau looks “into potential conflicts related to the project,” according to BLM spokeswoman Rachel Wootton. Contacted Monday by phone, Jones declined to comment beyond saying, “That sounds awfully exciting but I think I’ll pass.”

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Boner Candidate #2: HOW COULD THAT HAPPEN?

Utah Attorney General Sean Reyes is currently in quarantine after being exposed to someone who had tested positive for COVID-19 while in Washington, D.C. Reyes was in the nation’s capital last week to meet with members of the Trump administration who were hoping a lawsuit would block votes in swing states that went for President-elect Joe Biden. Reyes supported the lawsuit, only to see it fail to reach the Supreme Court when justices said Texas, whose attorney general filed the lawsuit, does not have the right to sue other states for the way they conduct their elections. The attorney general was scheduled to be with the Utah Board of Electors Monday to cast their ballots for President Trump. However, Reyes being in quarantine would not allow that to happen, and the electoral votes were cast without him.

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Boner Candidate #3: HE’S GONNA GO ‘ONE WAY OR ANOTHER.’

Right-wing conspiracy theorist Alex Jones on Saturday, during the pro-Trump “Jericho March” in Washinton D.C., stated that President-elect Joe Biden “will be removed one way or another” from office to a fiery crowd of Trump supporters. “We will never back down to the Satanic pedophile, globalist New World Order and their walking-dead reanimated corpse Joe Biden, and we will never recognize him,” Jones began his rant. “And we will never recognize him. President Trump had zero connection to Russians. No proof. Four years of investigation. With the Bidens, it’s open and shut,” he continued. The conspiracy theorist then called Biden a “globalist” before alluding to what many Twitter users found to be a threat.

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ROUND TWO

Boner Candidate #1: HOPE YOU GET A SEIZURE

The journalist who warned players of epileptic seizure risks in Cyberpunk 2077 has received dozens of videos camouflaged as support that are actually capable of inducing photosensitivity triggers. Most, if not all, games feature seizure warnings that pop up in-game ahead of the main menu screen. However, players with epilepsy should be extra wary of the Braindance segments and other design choices featured in CD Projekt RED’s forthcoming role-playing title. Game Informer Associate Editor Liana Ruppert recently penned an “Epileptic PSA,” detailing exactly what epileptics can expect from Cyberpunk 2077. Apparently, it’s not only the highly-stylized Braindance feature that can cause problems for those with a history photosensitivity troubles. “General triggers” may also prove problematic due to the sci-fi title’s interface, according to Ruppert’s article. And some sequences involving Keanu Reeves’ character, Johnny Silverhand, could similarly affect those with some forms of epilepsy.

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Boner Candidate #2: START STOCKING UP ON YOUR SECOND AMMENDMENT SUPPLIES

In a tweet this Sunday, Pennsylvania attorney and Trump loyalist Lin Wood sent out a cryptic message, saying, “It’s better to be safe than sorry.” “Make sure you have PLENTY of water, food, flashlights & batteries, candles, radio, 2nd Amendment supplies, & a plan to meet with leaders of your communities,” he wrote. “Remember we only have 1 President at a time. Our leader is @realDonaldTrump, not Biden.”

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Boner Candidate #3: BEWARE THE CANNIBAL SANDWICH.

Wisconsin residents are being urged by health officials to pass on eating a traditional holiday dish this year to avoid getting sick. A “cannibal sandwich,” considered a holiday favorite in the state, consists of raw ground beef on bread with sliced onions, salt and pepper. But, “eating raw meat is NEVER recommended because of the bacteria it can contain,” the Wisconsin Department of Health Services (DHS) said in a tweet on Saturday. DHS, which said it issues this reminder annually, elaborated on its warning in another social media post. “Time for our annual reminder that there’s one #holiday tradition you need to pass on: raw meat sandwiches, sometimes called Tiger Meat or Cannibal Sandwiches,” the state health department wrote on Facebook. “Many Wisconsin families consider them to be a holiday tradition, but eating them poses a threat for Salmonella, E. coli O157:H7, Campylobacter and Listeria bacteria that can make you sick. (And, no, it doesn’t matter where you buy your beef!).” Ground beef should always be cooked to an internal temperature of 160 degrees Fahrenheit, health officials added.

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