Boners

Boner of the Day for February 10th, 2021

ROUND ONE

Boner Candidate #1: YOU BET…BUY THEM RECORDS

NASHVILLLE, Tenn. (AP) — Fans of Morgan Wallen are buying up the country star’s latest album after a video showed him shouting a racial slur last week. Wallen’s sophomore record, “Dangerous: The Double Album” retains its top spot for a fourth week on Billboard’s all-genre albums chart, less than a week after Wallen apologized for using racist language. The country music industry acted swiftly to publicly rebuke him and radio stations and streaming services removed his songs from their playlists. But fans responded by playing him even more.

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Boner Candidate #2: THE KIDS DISTRACTED ME INTO STEALING

North Olmsted, OH — Police arrested a woman who had been shopping with five kids for theft after she went through a self-service checkout register and failed to pay for sixteen of the approximately thirty items in her shopping cart. The woman told police she might have forgotten to scan some of the items. She blamed the children, who she said were running around, for making things chaotic and distracting her. Police said the items she failed to scan totaled more than $66.

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Boner Candidate #3: AMMON IS ONE OF OURS

The two dozen demonstrators pressed against the emergency-room doors, screaming to be let in. “Show us the law!” they chanted. “Let Grandma out!” one shouted. They had descended on Legacy Salmon Creek Medical Center in Vancouver, Wash., the evening of Jan. 29 to protest the quarantine of Gayle Meyer, a 74-year-old patient who had refused to take a test for the coronavirus. Police in riot gear guarded entrances as the activists — who authorities said were armed — insisted that Meyer was being held against her will, a claim the hospital denied. Meyer’s 49-year-old daughter, Satin, an anti-mask activist licensed as her caregiver, had summoned the demonstrators, foot soldiers in a rapidly expanding network called People’s Rights. With the tap of a thumb on a smartphone, members can call a militia like they’d call an Uber and stage a protest within minutes.

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ROUND TWO

Boner Candidate #1: HEY, YOU GOT SHEEP IN THERE?

Lancashire, ENGLAND — Police have admitted they were startled to find two sheep at an illegal drinking party in Lancashire overnight. Officers said they “discovered a full bar set-up” at a drinking den in Bacup “but the most bizarre find was the presence of two surprised sheep”. Ten people were fined after the gathering. In a social media post, Sgt Gary Hennighan said: “The obvious line is that the wool wasn’t pulled over our eyes.”

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Boner Candidate #2: WE’RE GOING FOR REALITY

The forthcoming HBO Max show “Generation” (styled “Genera+ion”) — created by 19-year-old Zelda Barnz and her father Daniel Barnz, and executive produced by Lena Dunham — is touting itself as an ultra-realistic look at high school life. Unfortunately, last Thursday, “Generation” took verisimilitude too far. In a scene set in a biology class, the production used actual dead cats for the actors to dissect. A tweet on Friday by @Lilith_Rosex said: “Got word from a friend in the industry, HBO has a new show called Generation coming out.

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Boner Candidate #3: I WAS DOING A CIVIL RIGHTS PROTEST

A Florida Man arrested yesterday for indecent exposure told police that he was “protesting for civil rights by showing his penis to traffic,” according to a criminal complaint. Cops charge that Riley James Cushman, 23, was spotted alongside a roadway in Palm Harbor, a Tampa suburb, with “his pants down to his knees holding his penis while facing traffic in a vulgar manner.” Upon spotting a sheriff’s deputy around 3:30 PM, Cushman pulled up his pants and began walking away.

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