Boners

Boner of the Day for February 6th, 2020

ROUND ONE

 

Boner Candidate #1: HER HIPS PUT ME IN DANGER OF HELL FIRE.

Shakira and her hips will have to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth if right-wing activist Dave Daubenmire gets his way. The former central Ohio high school football coach said on his “Pass the Salt Ministries” webcast that he wants to sue the NFL over its racy Super Bowl show Sunday, which featured performances by “Booty” singer Jennifer Lopez and “Hips Don’t Lie” crooner Shakira. The controversial evangelist figures a settlement of $867 trillion would be fair compensation for the “crotch shots” conservative viewers were forced to endure. “I think we ought to sue,” he said after Sunday’s showdown between the San Francisco 49ers and Kansas City Chiefs. “Were there any warnings before that Super Bowl halftime show?” According to Daubenmire, the mid-game performance, which featured scantily clad dancers including Lopez, who did a pole dance, could have caused young boys to get horny. Read More

Boner Candidate #2: HE TOOK THE HAMSTERS TO HIS ROOM AND MADE THEM GO.

SALT LAKE CITY — A Utah man is facing criminal charges after police say he admitted to releasing mice and hamsters at least three times at different Utah hotels. Police say this has “likely occurred at many more hotels.” Police allege that Ryan Sentelle State, 37, would release the rodents in his hotel room then complain about it to get the room for free. Two of the three hotels police investigated compensated State following his complaints. State would point out feces left by the rodents, a probable cause statement says. Hotels are forced to contact pest control when animals and feces are found in rooms. Police say State and his gang of rodents caused damage to several hotel rooms. State is facing two charges of theft by deception and three counts of criminal mischief – human health or safety. All five charges are class B misdemeanors. Read More

Boner Candidate #3: I REALLY NEED A BOUNTY BURGER AND A BROWN TOPPER.

Mere minutes after she allegedly robbed a Utah bank, a woman was arrested standing across the street in front of a fast-food restaurant. According to Salt Lake Police, the 43-year-old suspect — who was wearing a surgical mask and a blonde wig — walked into the Zions Bank at 3880 S. 700 East on Tuesday at 2:18 p.m. She “gave one of the bank tellers a note that said, ‘I have a weapon, give me all your money in fives, tens and twenties,’” according to a probable cause statement. The teller gave the suspect $5,000 in cash; the woman then “ran across the street to the Arctic Circle.” Police located her in front of the restaurant at 2:35 p.m. with “the mask the suspect had used and $5,000 cash.” According to the probable cause statement, the woman was also identified by video surveillance footage. The suspect was booked into the Salt Lake County jail for investigation of aggravated robbery, a first-degree felony. Her bail was set at $20,000. Read More

ROUND TWO

 

Boner Candidate #1: ANOTHER TRUMP USES THE “P” WORD

Donald Trump Jr. posted a picture on Instagram calling Sen. Mitt Romney (R-UT) a “pussy” after the former GOP presidential candidate announced that he would be voting to convict President Trump on one of two impeachment charges. The picture featured Romney wearing high-waisted jeans, and was captioned: “Mom Jeans, Because you’re a pussy.” Trump Jr., who recently released a book titled Triggered, wrote: “Mitt Romney is forever bitter that he will never be POTUS. He was too weak to beat the Democrats then so he’s joining them now,” Trump Jr. ended his post by calling for Romney to be expelled from the GOP for being part of “the resistance.” On the Senate floor Wednesday, Romney announced that he would be the first Republican to vote to convict Trump of abuse of power. He said the president was “guilty of an appalling abuse of public trust.” Read More

Boner Candidate #2: THE PRESIDENTIAL MEDAL OF FREEDOM…TO LIE.

President Donald Trump awarded conservative talk radio host Rush Limbaugh the Medal of Freedom, the nation’s highest civilian honor, at the State of the Union address on Feb. 4. The White House website says the award is for people “who have made exceptional contributions to the security or national interests of America, to world peace, or to cultural or other significant public or private endeavors.” First Lady Melania Trump gave the award to Limbaugh in the gallery of the U.S. Capitol. Limbaugh was recently diagnosed with lung cancer and told his listeners he would have to miss days on his radio show to receive treatment. PolitiFact has been fact-checking Limbaugh since 2009. Here’s a look back at our 10 most significant fact-checks of the radio host.  Read More

Boner Candidate #3: ONCE AGAIN, POLITICIANS MISUSING MEMES

Secretary of State Mike Pompeo, in an apparent swipe at Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.), on Tuesday night tweeted an image from “The Simpsons” of Lisa Simpson tearfully ripping up a sheet of paper. The tweet came after Pelosi tore up her copy of President Trump’s State of the Union speech immediately after he finished addressing a joint session of Congress. Pelosi later told reporters it was “the courteous thing to do given the alternatives.” The White House condemned Pelosi’s actions, saying she “ripped up” various figures and milestones cited in the address, including “one of our last surviving Tuskegee Airmen” and “the survival of a child born at 21 weeks.” The image tweeted by Pompeo is from a “Simpsons” episode titled “Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington,” in which Lisa tears up her prize-winning essay about American values after witnessing a corrupt congressman accepting a bribe, shattering her faith in democracy. Read More


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