Boners

Boner of the Day for January 11th, 2021

Round One

Boner Candidate #1: BUT YOU BELONG TO THE GROUP SEAN; WHAT ABOUT THAT?

Utah Attorney General Sean Reyes distanced himself from robocalls sent out by a Republican attorneys general group he recently led after a state legislator tweeted the source of the calls was “concerning.” The recorded message urged people to attend a rally that turned into a deadly riot at the Capitol building in Washington, D.C., on Wednesday. The Rule of Law Defense Fund, a policy arm of the Republican Attorneys General Association, sent out the calls, which said, “We will march to the Capitol building and call on Congress to stop the steal. We are hoping patriots like you will join us to continue to fight to protect the integrity of our elections.” The message did not otherwise advocate violence or suggest entering the building. Five people died as a result of the incursion. Reyes is the former chairman of the RLDF, which is a 501(c)(4) nonprofit. He was replaced in November by Alabama Attorney General Steve Marshall.

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Boner Candidate #2: I GOT COCAINE IN MY BUTT

Naples, FL — “And the cocaine,” a Naples man hinted, as he was being loaded into the back of a Collier County Sheriff’s patrol car. Deputies asked him to clarify. “I have cocaine in my butt,” 56-year-old Mustapha Ouardi answered. Ouardi had called 911 three times from a McDonald’s — he said they had gotten “his burger order wrong twice.” When deputies arrived at the McDonald’s, employees said Ouardi had been yelling and cursing at staff over his mistaken order, and they wanted him taken from the premises. Ouardi said he wouldn’t leave unless his burger was fixed. The deputy told him again that he had to leave. “Fine, then take me to jail. I’m not leaving,” he said as he raised his hands toward the deputy.

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Boner Candidate #3: DOOR DASH DRIVER DASHES OFF WITH DOG.

WARREN, Mich. — A Michigan family is happy to have their sweet puppy back home after what was supposed to be an ordinary delivery ended in heartbreak. Ashley Swinton was expecting a food delivery to her home on New Year’s Day from DoorDash, WXYZ reports. According to the news outlet, when the individual went to make the delivery, she left with the family’s 8-week-old puppy named Bella. The woman was caught on camera taking the dog. “The video evidence, in this case, is very compelling,” said Detective Brian Price with Warren police. “This is a new one even for me. Pretty shocking when you watch the video and see it happen right in front of you.” “You can see her pet the dog, (and) rub the dog seeing if it was vicious,” Swinton told WXYZ. “Then scoop the dog up and take the dog to her car.” Police found the 26-year-old, who has not been identified yet. Charges are expected.

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Round Two

Boner Candidate #1: VACCINE FREE FOR ALL.

MIAMI — Linda Kleindienst Bruns registered for a coronavirus vaccine in late December, on the first day the health department in Tallahassee, Fla., opened for applications for people her age. Despite being 72, with her immune system suppressed by medication that keeps her breast cancer in remission, she spent days waiting to hear back about an appointment. “It’s so disorganized,” she said. “I was hoping the system would be set up so there would be some sort of logic to it.” Phyllis Humphreys, 76, waited with her husband last week in a line of cars in Clermont, west of Orlando, that spilled onto Highway 27. They had scrambled into their car and driven 22 miles after receiving an automated text message saying vaccine doses were available. But by 9:43 a.m., the site had reached capacity and the Humphreys went home with no shots. “We’re talking about vaccinations,” said Ms. Humphreys, a retired critical care nurse. “We are not talking about putting people in Desert Storm.” Florida is in an alarming new upward spiral, with nearly 20,000 cases of the virus reported on Friday and more than 15,000 on Saturday. But the state’s well-intended effort to throw open the doors of the vaccine program to everyone 65 and older has led to long lines, confusion and disappointment.

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Boner Candidate #2: THAT’S NOTHING TO BE JOKING ABOUT, DOCTOR.

Dr. Miami, the Bal Harbour plastic surgeon who performs cosmetic procedures on social media, knows how to make a splash online. The surgeon, whose real name is Michael Salzhauer, had his Snapchat account suspended in 2019 after sharing a video of a penis enhancement surgery on the platform. Last year, he started offering drive-thru Botox for people interested in smoothing out their coronavirus-induced frown lines. And this week, after stimulus money started to show up in people’s bank accounts, Salzhauer tweeted about a special offer on penile-enlargement procedures. His tweet spread far and wide, and it even got some media coverage. Twitter responded in full thrust. While some people are still in the relatively optimistic “new year, new me” stages of 2021, they’re debating whether they should spend money on a new game console or an extended joystick for themselves or their loved ones. Salzhauer tells New Times that his tweet was a joke, of course. But even he wasn’t prepared for the response he’d get.

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Boner Candidate #3: THE APTLY NAMED USS GERALD FORD.

Aircraft takeoff and landing systems on the USS Gerald R. Ford remain unreliable and break down too often more than three years after the $13.2 billion carrier was delivered, according to the Pentagon’s top tester. The latest assessment of the costliest warship ever built “remains consistent” with previous years, director of testing Robert Behler said in his new summary of the program obtained by Bloomberg News before its release in an annual report. “Poor or unknown reliability of new technology systems critical for flight operations,” including its $3.5 billion electromagnetic launch system and advanced arresting gear, could “adversely affect” the carrier’s ability to generate sorties, he said. The Ford’s new systems — which propel planes off the deck and into the sky and then snag them on landing — are crucial to justifying the expense of what’s now a four-vessel, $57 billion program intended to replace the current Nimitz class of aircraft carriers. The Ford class is also the backbone of the Navy’s aspirations to expand its fleet from 297 vessels today to 355 and then almost 500 by 2045. The Ford remains several years from being declared combat-ready for extended deployments, a milestone originally set for 2018.

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