Boners

Boner of the Day for January 12th, 2021

Round One

Boner Candidate #1:LOCK HER UP

Rep. Lauren Boebert (R-CO), a gun-toting supporter of the QAnon movement, is facing backlash after she was accused of live-tweeting House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s (D-CA) location during the attack on Capitol Hill last week. Boebert shared the tweet soon after President Donald Trump’s supporters stormed the Capitol with deadly results. “The Speaker has been removed from the chambers,” Boebert wrote.

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Boner Candidate #2: OH YEAH, THINGS ARE TOUGH FOR POOR LITTLE MELANIA

WASHINGTON — After remaining silent for five days following the riot at the Capitol instigated by her husband, Melania Trump, the first lady, issued a statement on Monday complaining about how she had been treated before going on to condemn the deadly mob attack. “I find it shameful that surrounding these tragic events there has been salacious gossip, unwarranted personal attacks, and false misleading accusations on me — from people who are looking to be relevant and have an agenda,” Mrs. Trump wrote in a statement released on the White House’s official website.

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Boner Candidate #3: JUST TO BE JERKS ABOUT IT

Outdoor enthusiasts and landscape photographers hoping to land one of the elusive permits needed to explore the colorful, contoured landscape of a U.S. Southwestern hike called The Wave will now have a better chance under a new plan announced Monday that allows more than three times the previous number of daily visitors. The plan takes effect Feb. 1 and will allow as many as 64  people per day to hike the popular rock formation near the Utah-Arizona border — up from the previous limit of 20 people per day, the U.S. Bureau of Land Management said in a news release. More than 200,000 people requested permits for the hike in 2018, with less than 4% approved through online and in-person lotteries, the most recent government stats available show.

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Round Two

Boner Candidate #1:OH MY GOD

The sighting in Florida this week of a manatee with “Trump” etched in block letters on its back has prompted an investigation and a plea for help from a nonprofit conservation group. The Center for Biological Diversity said it was offering a $5,000 reward for information leading to a conviction “for the cruel and illegal mutilation” of a threatened manatee in the Homosassa River in Citrus County, on Florida’s Gulf Coast.

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Boner Candidate #2: THE RACIST RANTS ARE COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE

After two months of investigation, police officials have concluded that a high-ranking officer responsible for combating workplace harassment in the New York Police Department wrote dozens of virulently racist posts about Black, Jewish and Hispanic people under a pseudonym on an online chat board favored by police officers. The officer, Deputy Inspector James F. Kobel, filed his retirement papers late last week as the departmental inquiry was winding down. But the officials said on Monday that they still planned to bring administrative charges against him as soon as this month for falsely denying that he had written the offensive messages.

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Boner Candidate #3: HE GETS SICK IF HE DOESN’T HAVE ORGANIC FOOD

PHOENIX — The man in the horned headdress during the riot at the U.S. Capitol made his initial appearance in a Phoenix federal courtroom Monday. Jacob Chansley, also known as Jake Angeli or the QAnon Shaman, appeared telephonically as he is being held in a quarantine section of a detention facility. Chansley, who is from Phoenix, turned himself in to the FBI field office after returning from Washington, D.C., Saturday morning. He is accused of knowingly entering or remaining in any restricted building or grounds without lawful authority and violent entry and disorderly conduct on Capitol grounds. Both charges are federal misdemeanors. The 33-year-old QAnon conspiracy theorist was a frequent participant in pro-Trump rallies in Phoenix in recent months. He often appeared in a costume of horns, fur headdress, and tan pants with no shirt.

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