Boners

Boner of the Day for January, 15, 2021

ROUND ONE

Boner Candidate #1: FREE AS F…

Shortly after pleading not guilty to murder and weapons charges earlier this month, Kyle Rittenhouse showed up at a bar in Mount Pleasant, Wis., clad in a T-shirt that said “Free as F—,” prosecutors said. Then the 18-year-oldallegedly drank three beers, posed for photos with members of Proud Boys and flashed a “white power” hand sign.

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Boner Candidate #2: LET’S TAKE WHATEVER ISN’T NAILED DOWN

As his days in office dwindle, and White House staff haul away reams of documents for his presidential library, President Donald Trump remains angry and isolated, exploding at any suggestion he resign early, insiders say. Trump on Thursday remained out of public sight, and issued no statements through his few remaining avenues as staffers loaded moving trucks at the White House. Surrounded only by a small loyal inner circle, Trump exploded recently at a casual conversation among aides at the possibility of his stepping down early, people around him told CNN. In an expletive-laden rant, Trump forbade any mention of Richard Nixon, the last president to resign from office, and said he couldn’t count on Vice President Mike Pence to pardon him, as Gerald Ford did for Nixon, the people said.

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Boner Candidate #3: LITTLE PARTING GIFT FOR THE BOSS ON MY RETIREMENT

A former Border Patrol agent in upstate New York is accused of spraying urine all over his supervisor’s desk just before retiring last summer, federal authorities said Wednesday. Eduardo Flores, Jr., 50, was charged with depredation of government property and could face up to a year in prison and a $100,000 fine if convicted, according to prosecutors. The suspect went into his supervisor’s cubicle at the Border Patrol Station in Tonawanda on Aug. 24 and began to spray and pour urine throughout the space, splashing the bodily fluid over the victim’s desk, chair, computer, books and even picture frames, court records show.

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ROUND TWO

Boner Candidate #1: WANT TO LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT?…HERE’S HOW

Behold the monkey tail beard. Perhaps one of the wackiest beard styles to become a facial hair trend. This beard style literally looks like a monkey slapped you across the face with its tail and just left it there to tickle your upper lip. This look starts with one sideburn that extends into your beard and wraps around the other side of your face to curl up and over into your mustache. At first glance, this style could just look like you had a shaving accident, but an almost certain double-take will show that it is a pretty hilarious and cheeky beard style.

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Boner Candidate #2: DAMNING EVIDENCE ON YOUR OWN CELL PHONE VIDEOS

Utah activist John Sullivan was booked at the Tooele County Jail on a warrant Thursday for allegedly participating in last week’s rioting at the U.S. Capitol. Sullivan was charged in federal court in the District of Columbia with civil disorder, being in a restricted area and disorderly conduct. He previously told The Salt Lake Tribune that he was there to take videos and “watch history” as a journalist. He said he took a video of Ashli Babbitt being shot by Capitol police near the House floor. She later died. “I was there to observe; I was there to see what they were going to do,” he said.

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Boner Candidate #3: MAYBE THE SECRET SERVICE SHOULD GIVE JARED AND IVANKA A “TERRIBLE AWFUL”

WASHINGTON — The U.S. Secret Service was reportedly forced to rent an apartment so agents guarding Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner could use the bathroom after the couple refused to allow them to use the bathrooms in their suburban Washington house. The Washington Post reports the agents were instructed not to use any of the half-dozen bathrooms in the 5,000 square foot home. After neighbors became upset that the Secret Service had brought in porta-potties, the agency was forced to rent a studio apartment from a neighbor so the agents could relieve themselves. At times, agents allegedly resorted to using bathrooms in the home of former president Barack Obama and home of Vice President Mike Pence a mile away. The $3,000 a month rental has cost taxpayers over $100,000 since the arrangement was made in Sept. 2017.

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