ROUND ONE
Boner Candidate #1: WHAT’S THE BEST WAY TO STEAL A DOUGHNUT?
LEHI, Utah – People have pretended they’re law enforcement officers to pull people over, to make arrests, and yes, to get discounts on coffee and doughnuts. But authorities say a Utah man who impersonated a cop felt even more entitled, going so far as to steal a doughnut from 7-Eleven. Per a probable cause statement from the Utah County Sheriff’s Office cited by CNN, an employee from the convenience store in Lehi alerted police on Sunday that a man had come into the 7-Eleven sporting a sheriff’s deputy jacket, though he didn’t seem like a police officer, and that he swiped the baked good before leaving.
Boner Candidate #2: TRUST ME; EVERYONE WILL WANT TO SEE THIS
Eric and Lori Harmon, both 36, allegedly had sex on the SkyWheel in Myrtle Beach. Horry County Sheriff’s Office. A couple from South Carolina allegedly had sex on a Ferris wheel and were arrested after police found a recording of the wild ride on a porn site. Eric and Lori Harmon, both 36, went for quite a spin while riding a glass gondola 187 feet in the air on the SkyWheel in Myrtle Beach, according to the Myrtle Beach Sun News. Police said they found a video of the early January romp on popular porn sites. Another clip allegedly showed the couple having sex in a community pool in Horry County and committing other lewd acts last month, CBS 17 reported.
Boner Candidate #3: THANK GOD SHE’S OUT OF THERE
Melania and Donald Trump debarked from their final ride with Air Force One at Palm Beach International Airport minutes before his presidential term ended Wednesday. However, it was the former first lady’s outfit that caught the attention of fashion-obsessed social media users. Instead of the all-black ensemble Melania wore when she boarded her flight from Washington, D.C, which Vanity Fair said included a Chanel jacket, Dolce & Gabbana dress, Louboutin shoes and a Hermès Birkin bag, she stepped off the aircraft in a colorfully-patterned Gucci dress that retails for $3,700.
ROUND TWO
Boner Candidate #1: ZIP IT RUSH. ZIP IT
Rush Limbaugh churned out a series of conspiracy theories regarding the inauguration of Joe Biden and Kamala Harris during a rant claiming that the new president did not legitimately win the 2020 election. The conservative radio host started by bashing the field of flags set up on the National Mall to represent those who cannot attend the inauguration due to the coronavirus pandemic and the security threats following the storming of the U.S. Capitol. After dismissing these concerns, Limbaugh claimed that the real reason for the arrangement “is that I don’t think they were confident a bunch of people would show up for this.”
Boner Candidate #2: I WAS SURE SHE WANTED TO SEE WHAT IT LOOKED LIKE
New York Mets GM Jared Porter — who had just helped the team land Francisco Lindor in a blockbuster trade — has been fired … after he admitted to sending a penis picture to a female reporter. The journalist — described in a bombshell ESPN report as “a foreign correspondent who had moved to the United States to cover Major League Baseball” — told ESPN through an interpreter under the condition of anonymity that she had met Porter while he was working in the Chicago Cubs’ front office in 2016. The woman says the two had seen each other in an elevator at Yankee Stadium and exchanged business cards. Soon after, she claims he began texting her.
Boner Candidate #3: ONE OF THE DESERVING PEOPLE WHO RECEIVED A TRUMP PARDON
Kodak Black is getting out of federal prison thanks to Donald Trump, but prosecutors in South Carolina are still ready to aggressively pursue a sexual assault case against him. The rapper was indicted in South Carolina on a felony charge of first-degree criminal sexual conduct … and prosecutors tell us they still plan on pressing the case against Kodak until he cops a plea deal or there’s a trial.
