Boners

Boner of the Day for January 22nd, 2021

Round One

Boner Candidate #1: I WAS JUST TRYING TO GET THEIR ATTENTION.

SALT LAKE CITY — A Utah man who does not have permission to possess firearms was arrested Tuesday after firing an automatic rifle outside a Salt Lake City apartment building. Kirk Neil Madsen, 41, was seen by witnesses firing 29 rounds from an AK-47 outside the building where the mother of his child lives. Police say Madsen had gone to the apartment to bring the woman back to Grantsville, but received no answer after knocking on the door. Madsen told police he saw movement inside the unit and grew impatient while waiting for the woman to come outside, so he fired off the weapon. Although firing the gun only once, Madsen cleared out the entire 30-round magazine onto the street in front of the apartment. Madsen said he fired the gun to scare a male who he believed was in the building with the woman. Video taken by a witness shows Madsen putting the gun back into his car when police arrive, and then walking back up to the front door of the apartment. Despite being told to stay where he was, Madsen got into the car and left the scene. As a Category 2 restricted person, records show that Madsen was not allowed to possess any firearm.

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Boner Candidate #2: TED CRUZ IS AN ASSHAT.

Sen. Ted Cruz (C) (R-TX), wearing a face mask that reads “Come and Take It”, arrives to the inauguration of U.S. President-elect Joe Biden on the West Front of the U.S. Capitol on January 20, 2021 in Washington, DC. During today’s inauguration ceremony Joe Biden becomes the 46th president of the United States. Sen. Ted Cruz did wear a mask during the inauguration of President Joe Biden, and it bore a familiar phrase. The Texas senator wore a mask displaying the imagery of the “Come and Take It” flag, which was used during the Texas Revolution in the Battle of Gonzales. Sen. Ted Cruz, R-Texas, seconds the objection to Arizona’s Electoral College certification from the 2020 presidential election as a joint session of the House and Senate convenes to confirm the Electoral College votes cast in November’s election, at the Capitol in Washington, Wednesday, Jan. 6, 2021.

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Boner Candidate #3: NO THANKS.

It’s hard to believe that elephant dung could be the main ingredient of a premium spirit drink, but it’s true. South African gin Indlovu is made with botanicals harvested from the pachyderm poop. Paula and Les Ansley, both former professors in different fields of biology, decided to moved from the UK to South Africa, after retiring, and come up with a way to contribute to conservation efforts in the region and support the local community. Neither of them had any idea that elephant dung would play such a big part in their plan, it just sort of happened. Today they run a distillery that uses “botanicals foraged by elephants” and harvested from their poop to create Indlovu gin, a unique spirit that doesn’t taste anything like you’d imagine. The Ansleys came up with the idea of their unique a few years back, while visiting an animal reserve in South Africa.

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Round Two

Boner Candidate #1: CAN’T SAY AS I BLAME THEM

Thousands of National Guardsmen were allowed back into the Capitol Thursday night, hours after U.S. Capitol Police officials ordered them to vacate the facilities, sending them outdoors or to nearby parking garages after two weeks pulling security duty after the deadly riot on Jan. 6. One unit, which had been resting in the Dirksen Senate Office building, was abruptly told to vacate the facility on Thursday, according to one Guardsman. The group was forced to rest in a nearby parking garage without internet reception, with just one electrical outlet, and one bathroom with two stalls for 5,000 troops, the person said. Temperatures in Washington were in the low 40s by nightfall. “Yesterday dozens of senators and congressmen walked down our lines taking photos, shaking our hands and thanking us for our service. Within 24 hours, they had no further use for us and banished us to the corner of a parking garage. We feel incredibly betrayed,” the Guardsman said.

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Boner Candidate #2: SEEMS LIKE A CONFLICT OF INTEREST TO ME.

Nichole Anderson, an Ogden librarian, was navigating a divorce and raising two small children in the summer of 2019. When she left her husband and moved out, she didn’t realize the separation wasn’t as clear cut with their landlord. Despite notifying the apartment management, her name stayed on the lease. When her ex stopped paying rent, her name was added to the eviction complaint. On the hook for a $2,488 judgment because of her ex-husband’s negligence, she struggled with payments into the spring of 2020. Little did she know that the landlord’s law firm, The Law Offices of Kirk Cullimore, Utah’s leader in eviction, filed a motion to “amend the judgment” against her, alleging she owed $5,367. The firm argued it had discovered, almost a year later, extra damages not included in the first eviction filing. She learned about a court hearing (where she could have fought the motion) only after it happened because that’s when the Cullimore firm sent her an email about it. The email also answered her question of why she hadn’t known of the court hearing beforehand: The firm had mailed the notice to an address she hadn’t lived at for years.

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Boner Candidate #3: GRUMPY OLD ME AND GRUMPY OLD WOMEN IN ABUNDANCE.

illegal rave — only to discover it was a crowd of elderly folks waiting to get a coronavirus vaccine. Worried neighbors called police to report revelers possibly flaunting COVID-19 regulations outside the Saxon Hall event space before dawn Friday in Essex. Instead of ravers, cops found retirees — some as old as 90, hobbling around on walking sticks — while in line for shots. “It was really funny when the police arrived as they had been notified that there was a ‘rave’ taking place at Saxon Hall — only to find 80- and 90-year-olds on wheelchairs, zimmer frames and walking sticks, patiently waiting for their vaccinations,” Saxon Hall chairman Dennis Baum told the local outlet. Essex police quickly realized there were more grannies than glow-sticks at the event, and helped direct traffic around the building, which is generally used for weddings and banquets. “It was absolute chaos and very cold. The parking lot became chockablock with 80-year-old-plus drivers,” Baum told the Harwich and Manningtree Standard. “Grumpy old men and grumpy old women were in abundance.” He added, “Nevertheless, as a balancing act, many more very appreciative people couldn’t have been more grateful to receive the vaccine.”

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