Boner of the Day

Boner of the Day for July 23, 2020

BONER ROUND ONE

Boner Candidate #1: A YOHO APOLOGY IS NOT A APOLOGY

WASHINGTON — Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez forcefully rejected a Republican colleague’s words of contrition on Wednesday after he declined to apologize for referring to her with a vulgar and sexist expletive, denying he had uttered the words. Representative Ted Yoho, Republican of Florida, appeared on the House floor on Wednesday to express regret for injecting “strife” into Congress and being “abrupt” in a confrontation this week with Ms. Ocasio-Cortez, Democrat of New York.

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Boner Candidate #2: OUR FIRST NAME CHOICE WAS TRAILER HITCH

A couple have managed to name their son Lucifer despite opposition from a registrar who tried to stop them because it is another name for the devil. Dan and Mandy Sheldon, from Derbyshire, lodged an official complaint to the local council after the registrar told them their son “wouldn’t succeed in life” if he was called Lucifer. The couple went to register their four-month-old son last week after the council office opened after the coronavirus lockdown, The Sun reports. But Mr Sheldon, 37, said they were “gobsmacked” by the behavior of the registrar who reportedly told the pair to leave the room while she checked if she was allowed to register the boy with the Satanic title.

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Boner Candidate #3: HE LIKE IT BACK THERE

MURRAY, Utah — After receiving a video of a dog balancing in the back of a flatbed truck on a Utah highway, the Humane Society of Utah is urging the public not to put dogs in truck beds. The Humane Society of Utah sees it every month… a variety of calls, emails, messages on social media and in-person comments, with one main concern – the person saw a dog riding, unrestrained, in the back of a truck on the highway. The organization has seen it time and time again but a recent video, submitted to them by a concerned citizen, left employees in shock. “The video just makes your heart stop,” said Deann Shepherd with Humane Society of Utah. In the video you see a flatbed truck flying down I-15 at more than 70 miles-per-hour and a dog balancing, unrestrained, on the bed.“The first thing you think is, ‘oh my gosh, that poor dog,’” Shepherd said.

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BONER ROUND TWO

Boner Candidate #1: NOW WHERE DID I PUT THOSE SAMPLES?

BRIGHAM CITY, Utah – Dozens of people got the news that they won’t be finding out the results of their COVID-19 tests. The tests, taken at the Brigham City location of the Bear River Health Department last Wednesday, were lost. It’s estimated that about 30 to 35 people will never get results from those samples.  Josh Greer, Bear River Health Department spokesman, said like many testing locations, they use a specialized courier that transports the samples from those test centers to a state lab. “We are frustrated. It was an inconvenience for these individuals, especially if they had to go and get retested,” Greer said.

Boner Candidate #2: PROFESSIONAL KIDNAPPER: HA, HA, HA.

PRESCOTT, AZ – An Arizona Department of Child Safety office is a bit short-staffed these days, reportedly because several workers were fired after wearing eyebrow-raising attire. Sources tell the Arizona Republicthat multiple DCS employees in Prescott were canned after a photo circulated showing them wearing bright pink T-shirts, seemingly during work hours, with the words “Professional kidnapper” emblazoned on the front. Splashed across the back: “Do you know where your children are?”The newspaper notes the shirts were apparently a joke spoofing the department’s reputation among critics as taking kids away from their families too easily. One person who wrote to the DCS director to complain about the garb: former DCS worker Christina Sanders, who says she saw the photo and that the Prescott office was notorious for having a culture of entitlement and bullying.

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Boner Candidate #3: STILL MAKING HITS DURING THE PANDEMIC

Rockwood, MI — A Michigan woman who wanted her ex-husband murdered tried to hire a killer via the farcical web site rentahitman.com, police allege. According to investigators, Wendy Wein, 51, this month filled out a “service request form” on the site, which describes itself as “your point & click” solution and boasts of “17,985 U.S. Based Field Operatives.” Site visitors are assured that Rent-A-Hitman is compliant with provisions of the 1964 Hitman Information Privacy & Protection Act (HIPPA). A recent update on Rent-A-Hitman noted that, “We are still open during the COVID-19 pandemic,” though “our Wuhan offices will be working on a reduced schedule.”

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