
ROUND ONE
Boner Candidate #1: EMERGENCY SERVICES SAVE THE DARK HAIRED VIXEN FROM DROWNING
Emergency service workers in Japan rushed to save a woman who was seemingly drowning, before discovering that the woman in question was a discarded sex doll.
Boner Candidate #2: WHAT ELSE IS A WOMAN NAMED BOOZE TO DO?
A woman named ‘Booze’ lived up to her name in Florida after crashing her car into a Taco Bell sign and fleeing from the scene while driving drunk.
Boner Candidate #3: THE WORST KEPT SECRET IN TALLAHASSEE.
Matt Gaetz, who is accused of sex trafficking, drugs, fake ids and other crimes reportedly made a game out of it. Gaetz would earn ‘points’ whenever his trafficked girls slept with married legislatures, or spending the night at a sorority house. The game even took inspiration from Harry Potter’s snitch from Quidditch, where anyone who slept with a specific conservative woman would win.
ROUND TWO
Boner Candidate #1: YOU SAY YOU HAVE MEMBERS OF COLOR? NAME ONE.
Sen. Sheldon Whitehouse is under fire for his exclusively white beach club. The club, which reportedly only allows white members is being defended by Sen. Whitehouse as being a Rhode Island tradition.
Boner Candidate #2: I HOPE HE GETS SOME ADDITIONAL TRAINING.
A video of a man at an Ohio gun range depicts him accidently shooting himself in the head. The man survived.
Boner Candidate #3: THEY WERE GOOD NEIGHBORS UNTIL THIS HAPPENED
A married couple of gay men in Florida hung up a pride flag outside their home in celebration of their own sexuality as well as the rest of the LGBTQ’s community. The Home Owner’s Association decided that this wasn’t allowed, and fined the couple $50 despite previously allowing ‘political’ flags.
