Boner of the Day

Boner of the Day for June 3rd, 2019

Round One

Boner Candidate #1: I USED TO BE GAY

Philippine President Rodrigo Duterte has told a crowd he “used to be gay” before he “cured” himself. The President — who is known for making colorful remarks — made the comment during a speech to the Filipino community while visiting Tokyo on Thursday. After accusing his political opponent and vocal critic Sen. Antonio Trillanes IV of being gay, Duterte said he could sense he himself was also “a bit gay” while married to his ex-wife, Elizabeth Zimmerman. Their marriage was annulled in 2000. Duterte went on to say that he was “cured” after meeting current partner Honeylet Avanceña. “I became a man again! So beautiful women cured me,” Duterte said. “I hated handsome men afterwards. I now prefer beautiful women.” Duterte has a history of making controversial and contradictory remarks about the LGBT community. In 2016, Duterte called the US ambassador to his country a “gay son of a bitch” in a speech, prompting US diplomats to raise the issue with their Filipino counterparts in Washington. In March the following year, Duterte said he told Filipinos in Myanmar he was against same-sex marriage, and that recognizing marriages other than those between a man and a woman wouldn’t be acceptable in Philippines, which is predominantly Catholic. But later that year, he said the rights of the LGBT community would be protected during his presidency.

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Boner Candidate #2: THE DOG TOOK ME THERE

A school principal was arrested last week at a Washington, D.C. strip club while students were on a school field trip, WAFB reported. According to a police report, officers responded to Archibald’s Gentlemen’s Club in Washington, D.C. for “an intoxicated man refusing to pay his bill.” Holy Family Principal Michael Comeau allegedly “was observed standing in the roadway, refusing to move,” according to the police report. It went on to say officers asked Comeau “multiple times to move out of the roadway, but Comeau refused.” Comeau was arrested for public intoxication and possession of an open container of alcohol. The Diocese of Baton Rouge released a statement about the incident:

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Boner Candidate #3: NO SEX? PAY UP

It’s a pretty standard situation to find yourself in on a night out. You’re in a bar with your friends, when you catch the eye of a nice looking stranger who offers to buy you a drink or two. If you’re single, you might say yes to the generous offer and then strike up a conversation with them, eventually exchanging numbers at the end of the night so you can go on a real date another time. Or at least that’s the hope. But after giving out her number to a man she met in a bar, one woman was left feeling pretty shocked when he sent her a rude message the next day about their encounter. Over the weekend, 20-year-old student paramedic Chlo Matthews let a guy buy her a drink on a night out in Hull. They hit it off, she gave him her number… then the unexpected happened. Instead of telling her how nice it was to meet her or ask her out again, the man, known only as Danny, decided to send her a bill for the alcohol he’d bought her. His reason for doing so? Because she didn’t sleep with him.

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Round Two

Boner Candidate #1: IT’S OBVIOUS HE DOESN’T HAVE ANY GAY PEOPLE WORKING IN HIS OFFICE

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Boner Candidate #2: SO YOU CAN CARRY CERTAIN KINDS OF LEECHES IN YOUR LUGGAGE?

Canada slapped a traveler with a $15,000 fine after he was caught at the airport with a bizarre, blood-sucking secret in his carry-on luggage, officials said. Ippolit Bodounov of Niagara Falls, Ontario, had flown from Russia to Canada on Oct. 17, 2018, when agents discovered “a large quantity of live leeches in his carry-on luggage” at Toronto’s Pearson International Airport, the country’s environment and climate change agency said in a news release Monday. “An enforcement officer detained the leeches to identify the species and determine if the import was lawful,” environment officials said. Lawful it was not: Bodounov pleaded guilty in an Ontario court on Friday to charges that he violated the Wild Animal and Plant Protection and Regulation of International and Interprovincial Trade Act, Canadian officials said. The fine will be put into the country’s Environmental Damages Fund, officials said. He’s also barred from importing and exporting regulated endangered animals for the next year.

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Boner Candidate #3: WHY WERE THEY HAVING TO CLEAN OUR CLEAN COAL

In 2013, a prominent coal-industry investor named Steven Rickmeier co-founded a company to acquire several coal-cleaning plants, including one at Wellington in the heart of Utah coal country. In an arrangement with Utah’s largest coal producer, the new firm, Bowie Refined Coal (BRC), was to receive substandard coal from nearby mines, blast it with air to separate out sulfur, dirt and other impurities and sell it as fuel. But BRC’s Wellington Dry Coal Cleaning Plant proved a failure, and now its operators have abandoned the 30-acre facility, still contaminated with coal waste, according to documents from the Utah Division of Oil, Gas and Mining (DOGM). State and local authorities are left to clean up the mess and recoup taxes and fines from a nonresponsive company. To make matters worse, the division alleges the Wellington plant illegally sold at least 2,000 tons of the waste to a trucking company, which used it as a road base for a parking lot in 2017. At a 2017 meeting with regulators to explain that violation, Bowie’s then-operations manager, Kyle Edwards, argued that the material wasn’t coal waste but actual product, which it sold for 25 cents a ton. Regulators rejected that assertion, deeming the material regulated coal waste, and ordered Edwards to gather it up and return it to the coal-processing plant for proper disposal. Bowie Refined Coal never complied or offered a plan for recovering the waste, state regulators say. The $2,310 fine, one of many levied against the firm in the past two years, has gone unpaid. Now the plant is locked up and usable coal has been removed.

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