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Round One

Boner Candidate #1: THIS IS YOUR STOP GRAMPS.

Video showing a woman violently pushing a 74-year-old man out the door of a stopped bus in downtown Las Vegas on March 21 was released by the Las Vegas Metropolitan Police Department on Tuesday. Serge Fournier initially survived the fall but later died of his injuries at a hospital on April 21. The woman, identified by police as Cadesha Bishop, 25, now faces murder charges, police say. In the video, a suspect is seen pushing Fournier with both hands down the front steps of the bus. Fournier, holding his walker, falls flat on his face, hitting his head on the sidewalk. Bishop, who was reportedly yelling and swearing at others on the bus, allegedly pushed Fournier after he asked her to be nicer to other passengers. Bishop had been convicted of misdemeanor battery charges twice before the incident with Fournier, according to police.

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Boner Candidate #2: ASSAULT WITH A CHEESEBURGER.

A Florida man was arrested for battery after he allegedly slapped his girlfriend in the face with a cheeseburger, sheriff’s officials said. Kyle Jamison Jones’ live-in girlfriend called law enforcement and told investigators that Jones woke her up abruptly by slapping her in the face with a cheeseburger, the Martin County Sheriff’s Office stated on its Facebook page on Tuesday.  The woman said Jones then pulled her hair and kicked her down the stairs, authorities said. When deputies arrived on scene, they said the victim was visibly upset and “covered with particles of the food item.” Jones admitted to being involved in a verbal dispute, but he refused to say anything about becoming physical with the victim, sheriff’s officials said. The 30-year-old was taken to the jail on suspicion of battery.

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Boner Candidate #3: SHE HAS NO COUTH. THAT IS TO SAY, “HOW UNCOUTH”

An unnamed woman has come under fire after fellow passengers noticed her bizarre habit while flying. The woman, thought to be from the US, made herself comfortable by resting her bare feet on the headrest of the seat in front, while reclining in her own chair. Seemingly in an effort to hide her naked toes from flight attendants, she placed a hat on top of her feet to cover them up. She has been slammed online for the habit, with many labelling it ‘gross’. A snap of the woman was shared on the Instagram account, @PassengerShaming, which has almost 850K followers.  In it, she appears to have settled in for a comfortable nap by putting her legs in the air and resting her feet on the chair in front, with her bare toes touching the head rest.

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Round Two

Boner Candidate #1: IT IS PATHETIC

President Donald Trump is in Louisiana today to talk about energy and probably a bunch of other bullshit. He was greeted at the airport by top Louisiana Republicans, including Lt. Gov. Billy Nungesser, who was literally wearing socks with Trump’s face on them, complete with a fuzzy little tuft of blonde hair. This is so embarrassing. As cringeworthy as this is, it’s the best piece of media coverage Nungesser has gotten as of late. In April, New Orleans TV station WWL reported that despite receiving an extra $8,400 tacked onto his salary as a stipend for driving himself to work, Nungesser rarely actually drives himself to work, and instead mostly has state troopers drive him around in state-owned SUVs. At different points, Nungesser—who’s running for re-election this year—told the TV station that the cops drive him “everywhere” and that he’s only driven around by the cops on a part-time basis. Can’t get his story straight on whether or not he scammed the public? Wearing socks with Donald Trump’s face on them? You should fully expect to see a presidential endorsement in the Louisiana lieutenant governor’s race in a matter of no time.

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Boner Candidate #2: SHE WON’T LIE AND TALK BACK AGAIN

A man was arrested in Washington State for allegedly waterboarding his 7-year-old daughter because she had misbehaved, a report said on Tuesday. Matthew Farrar, 27, was taken into police custody on Sunday after his girlfriend went to a local 7-Eleven to report that Farrar had bound his daughter’s mouth while pouring water over her face, according to NBC News. The woman said that Farrar had “violently spanked” the child with a belt before dragging her into the bathroom while she was screaming “bloody murder,” the report said. Farrar then allegedly “grabbed a red colored wash towel and wetted it with water” before placing it over her face and emptying a 17-ounce plastic bottle with water over her head. “He slowly started pouring water onto the hand towel that was held on [the girl’s] face, over her mouth and nose,” court documents allege. He had said the girl was lying and talking back. Once the incident was through, the woman grabbed the girl and fled to the 7-Eleven to call police. Farrar admitted to striking the girl and using water. “I think it could have been a little too much,” he told the police. The man was charged with two counts of child abuse.

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Boner Candidate #3: AN ARTIST AT WORK

When the idea first got floated to one of the Naval officers, his initial reaction was “no, bad.” It “would be awesome,” his wingman told him, egging the pilot on from inside the cockpit of their EA-18G aircraft. “You should totally try.” The plan of attack: Erect a giant “sky penis” over the state of Washington using their plane’s contrails. “I could definitely draw one, that would be easy,” the pilot bragged, according to a transcript of the jet’s flight recording system, which was obtained by The Navy Times. “I could basically draw a figure eight and turn around and come back,” he said. “I’m gonna go down, grab some speed and hopefully get out of the contrail layer so they’re not connected to each other.” Flying alongside another Navy crew under the name “Zapper 21,” the pilot and his cockpit partner worked hard to get their mile-high masterpiece just right. “Balls are going to be a little lopsided,” the pilot advised, according to the Times. “Balls are complete,” he said, just moments later. There wasn’t a cloud in the sky that day. “Which way is the shaft going?” the pilot’s partner, an electronic warfare officer, reportedly asked at one point. “The shaft will go to the left,” the pilot said. “It’s gonna be a wide shaft,” replied the EWO. “I don’t wanna make it just like 3 balls,” the pilot said. “Let’s do it,” the EWO answered. “Oh, the head of that penis is going to be thick.” Cracking up in the cockpit with his partner, the pilot shot back: “Some like Chinese weather satellite right now that’s like, ‘what the (expletive)?’” Reports later revealed that the contrails could be seen from miles away — with one Washington state mother snapping pictures and sending them into a local television station. “To get out of this, I’m gonna go like down and to the right and we’ll come back up over the top and try to take a look at it,” the pilot told his wingman while they were still in the air. “I have a feeling the balls will have dissipated by then,” the EWO said. “It’s possible,” the pilot replied. After flying away to a distance where the phallus could be observed, the pilot reportedly told his partner: “This is so obvious.”

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