Boner of the Day

Boner of the Day for May 23rd, 2019

Round 1

Candidate #1: IT’S OFFICIAL….MOBY IS CREEPY

Natalie Portman has criticised Moby for a “very disturbing” account of their friendship in his new memoir Then It Fell Apart, comments which he has since contested. In the book, the musician, now 53, claims the pair dated when he was 33 and Portman was 20, after she met him backstage in Austin, Texas. He recounts going to parties in New York with her, and to see her at Harvard University, “kissing under the centuries-old oak trees. At midnight she brought me to her dorm room and we lay down next to each other on her small bed. After she fell asleep I carefully extracted myself from her arms and took a taxi back to my hotel.” He says that he then struggled with anxiety about their relationship: “It wanted one thing: for me to be alone … nothing triggered my panic attacks more than getting close to a woman I cared about.” Later, he writes: “For a few weeks I had tried to be Natalie’s boyfriend, but it hadn’t worked out,” writing that she called to tell him she had met someone else.

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Candidate #2: ANOTHER GOOD REASON NOT TO HIDE DRUGS IN YOUR BUTT

A bungling felon from Washington state made a series of blunders when he shot himself in the testicles and tried to hide the weapon — all while storing drugs in his anus, a report said Wednesday. Cameron Jeffrey Wilson, 27, was carrying a pistol in his front pocket while in his Cashmere, Wash., apartment on April 5 when the firearm accidentally discharged and pierced his groin and thigh, according to the Wenatchee World News. Wilson, who is a 13-time convicted felon, told his girlfriend to dispose of the weapon before heading to the hospital, the paper said. When the ex-con finally went to the hospital, a balloon of marijuana slipped out of his anus while a doctor was operating on the gunshot wound, court records show. Cops also arrived at the hospital when alerted of the gunshot wound and searched Wilson’s car where they discovered a bag of meth in the blood-stained jeans he was wearing when he shot himself. The officers issued an arrest warrant for Wilson and he turned himself in to police on April 18.

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Candidate #3: MY CAR WAS INSPECTED BY A CHILD MECHANIC

Authorities in New York state said a driver was ticketed after a sharp-eyed deputy noticed the vehicle’s inspection sticker was hand-drawn on construction paper. The Montgomery County Sheriff’s Office said a driver was pulled over Monday in Amsterdam when a deputy noticed the vehicle’s inspection sticker did not appear to be official. The deputy discovered the sticker was actually made of construction paper and was hand-drawn to resemble an official New York State Safety Emission Inspection Certificate for the year 2020. The sticker even featured a hand-drawn bar code, police said. The driver was issued a violation for having an unregistered motor vehicle.

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Round 2

Candidate #1: THEY ARE HETEROSEXUALS WHO REJECT COMMON SENSE.

In a stunningly homophobic rant, a former Republican lawmaker has claimed Pete Buttigieg would die in office if elected President because of HIV and his homosexual “perversion.”
Former Indiana state Rep. Don Boys recently posted an article titled “Pete, Since You Brought it Up, How ‘Gay’ Are You?” on his website Common Sense for Today. “I, as a voter, have a right to know just how ‘gay’ Pete is,” Boys wrote. “After all, he wants to be President of the United States and I want to know where he stands on important issues.”
But those “issues” were instead a series of dangerous, bizarre, and homophobic stereotypes about gay men and those living with HIV. In the article, Boys erroneously claims that “all homosexuals are aware that their lifespan is about 20 years less than for normal people,” and as such voters should know that Buttigieg would “not live to finish his term” as president.

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Candidate #2: JUST THE USUAL….BEING MEAN.

The Trump administration today announced its plan to deny transgender people experiencing homelessness equal access to shelters. The proposal, announced by the Department of Housing and Urban Development, centers on the Equal Access Rule, first published in 2012 to ensure shelters and programs do not discriminate on the basis of sexual orientation or gender identity. HUD Secretary Ben Carson plans to weaken those provisions and other protections for transgender people seeking access to HUD programs.
Yesterday, Secretary Carson told a House committee that HUD had no plans for revising the Equal Access Rule, stating, “I’m not going to say what we will do in the future about anything. I’m not currently anticipating changing the rule.”

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Candidate #3: MAYBE WE DIDN’T TEACH HIM RIGHT? MAYBE, YOU SAY?

A New Jersey man who was filmed grinning as he urinated on a memorial to a dead child has been fired by his boss—who happens to be his father. Bryan Bellace, 23, was wearing a shirt with the Bruce Bellace Plumbing and Heating logo as he peed on the memorial to 9-year-old Christian Clopp in a Mays Landing playground after placing a beer can on the ground. “I had to remove him from employment,” Bruce Bellace tells the Press of Atlantic City. “We apologized to the family … I’m sorry for his actions. I’m not proud of him.” He says he has received at least a dozen phone calls from people outraged by his son’s behavior. “Ultimately it’s my fault,” he says. “Maybe we didn’t teach him right.” Bellace, 23, was arrested Sunday for offenses including lewdness and disorderly conduct. He apologized Monday, telling ABC he made a “huge mistake” and was so drunk he didn’t know what he was doing.

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