Boners

Boner of the Day for November 11, 2020

ROUND ONE

Boner Candidate #1: I’M NOT GONNA ENFORCE THAT

PAROWAN, Utah — Gov. Gary Herbert has called on everyone in Utah to wear masks, socially distance in public and limit casual gatherings to the people they live with, otherwise they could face penalties. But at least one county won’t be helping the governor enforce his emergency order, The Salt Lake Tribune reports. “We don’t really believe that this is entirely the right solution,” said Iron County Sheriff Ken Carpenter. “If our store owners and citizens wish to follow those mandates, that’s their choice. But health care is a personal decision and shouldn’t be a government mandate.” Carpenter added that pandemic restrictions were causing other adverse effects on county residents’ well-being. People are afraid to go to the hospital to treat non-COVID-19 conditions, he said, and social distancing was taking an emotional toll.

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Boner Candidate #2: IN FLORIDA, THEY WANT YOU TO SHOOT PEOPLE WHO ARE ACTING UP.

Florida’s Governor is proposing to expand the state’s Stand Your Ground law to allow armed citizens to shoot and possibly kill anyone they suspect of rioting. Ron DeSantis has drafted so-called ‘anti-mob’ legislation which comes in direct response to several months of unrest in the U.S. this past summer which often led to rioting and looting both in Florida and other states around the country. But the widening of the law could allow armed citizens to shoot and potentially kill anyone they suspect of looting and not just if they feel their own personal safety to be at risk. DeSantis’ new legislation is an attempt to prevent ‘violent and disorderly assemblies’ by permitting violence against anyone involved in the ‘interruption or impairment’ of a business. The draft version of the law states this can include someone ‘suspected of a burglary within 500 feet of violent or disorderly assembly.’ The legislation also includes measures that would make protesting that sees traffic being blocked classed as a third degree felony. And immunity would be granted to drivers who unintentionally kill or injure protesters who were blocking traffic.

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Boner Candidate #3: I USED THE WHIZZINATOR

How did Mike Tyson maintain a rock star lifestyle and still pass all his drug tests?! The boxing legend went in-depth about how he was able to cheat the system on his “Hotboxin'” podcast this week … admitting he used a device called a “Whizzinator” to pass his tests. The “Whizzinator” is basically a prosthetic penis with a built-in bag to store someone else’s pee. People have tried to use the device for years to fool in-person drug testers … including Tyson. “It was awesome, man,” Tyson said during a conversation with Jeff Novitzky, UFC’s Vice President of Athlete Health and Performance. “I put my baby’s urine in it.” So, why did the guy need fake piss?? Tyson did a lot of drugs. The 54-year-old boxing legend has said he’d NEVER touch PEDs, but he has been open about his cocaine and weed consumption throughout his career … and instead of laying off the booger sugar, the dude went the prosthetic penis route. But, the fake shlong wasn’t fool-proof — Tyson says there were some close calls along the way. “One time I was using my wife’s [urine] and my wife was like, ‘Baby, you better not hope that it comes back pregnant or something.’ And I said, ‘nah, so we ain’t gonna use you any more, we’re gonna use the kid.'”

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ROUND TWO

Boner Candidate #1: INTOXICATED? REALLY?

A flight headed to Houston was forced to land early in Alabama last week to deal with an passenger who was allegedly acting unruly. When the plane landed, the woman was reportedly only wearing a T-shirt and underwear. A spokesperson for the CommutAir confirmed to Fox News that the incident occurred on one of the airline’s flights (which was operating as a United Express flight at the time) from Jacksonville to Houston. After handing the situation in Mobile, the flight continued to Houston. Sierra Nicole McClinton is facing charges of disorderly conduct and public intoxication, Fox 10 TV reports. According to reports, McClinton got into an altercation with another passenger on the flight. When a flight attendant could not calm her down, McClinton was detained until the plane could divert to Mobile, Ala.

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Boner Candidate #2: I HAVE PROOF, RIGHT HERE.

White House press secretary Kayleigh McEnany appeared on Fox News to present 234 pages of affidavits she claimed were proof that election fraud took place, as she listed new cases the Trump campaign alleges to have uncovered. Her appearance on Hannity came a day after the network cut away from McEnany as she spoke in a ‘personal capacity’, claiming that they could not air her claims of fraud as they were unsubstantiated. Yet she was given free reign on Tuesday night, listing a number of allegations as both she and RNC Chair Ronna McDaniel vowed that they would continue to contest the election result until the end. McDaniel revealed that they have now received word of 11,000 incidents of fraud from witnesses and have compiled 500 affidavits from these witnesses so far, as they work slowly to verify their claims. Yet their claims of new evidence came just minutes after former RNC Chair Reince Priebus warned Hannity that if the GOP is to continue fighting for appeal, they must use logic by not trying to contest a small number of ballots in places where their loss was much greater.

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Boner Candidate #3: YOU ARE GONNA HAVE TO HAVE A STRONG STREAM AND A GOOD AIM.

London, UK – Office workers were left baffled as a Covid social distancing sign blunder asked them to pee two metres (over 6.5 feet) from the urinals. Alastair Hilton, 51, was stopped in his tracks after he went to the toilet and spotted the poorly placed sign – making it look like he had to aim from six feet away. Dubbed “the most ridiculous social distancing measures yet,” the sign blunder at the One Kingdom Street walk-in office space in London caused a stir after Alistair posted the image online. The 8ft sign stretched across the floor stating “keep your distance” with a diagonal striped marking, which appears to look like a “do not cross” sign. But instead of urging men to urinate from the marker, the sign most likely means keep two metres from other people in the bathroom. The dad-of-two opted to use a cubicle instead, but “had a good laugh” at another sign above the toilet seat telling him to “close the lid before flushing” for his “own safety.”

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