Boners

Boner of the Day for November 20th, 2020

ROUND ONE

Boner Candidate #1: THE TREE IS NOT CAPABLE OF CONSENT

NAUGATUCK, Conn. — A man was arrested last week after he was seen “humping trees” while half-naked, police say. Witnesses called police after John Edward Fignar, 36, was seen in the backyard of a Connecticut house simulating sex with a tree and eating branches. Fignar fled the scene when authorities arrived, running into a nearby house and forcing the residents outside. When police apprehended Fignar, he spit at one of the officers, the New York Daily News reports.

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Boner Candidate #2: DRONE CRASHER

LOS ANGELES (CBSLA) – A Hollywood man was arrested Thursday on federal charges that he operated a drone which slammed into a Los Angeles Police Department helicopter back in September, forcing it to make an emergency landing. Andrew Rene Hernandez, 22, was arrested by FBI agents on one count of unsafe operation of an unmanned aircraft, the U.S. Attorney’s Office reports. Authorities say it’s the first criminal case in the nation in which a person has been charged with unsafely operating a drone.

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Boner Candidate #3: A PERFECT GUY FOR THE JOB

A White House speechwriter who was fired in 2018 for meeting with white nationalists has been rehired to join an agency that oversees US Holocaust memorials abroad. President Donald Trump appointed Darren Beattie to join the board of the Commission for the Preservation of America’s Heritage Abroad on Wednesday. The White House had fired Beattie after CNN reported that he had appeared on a panel with white nationalist Peter Brimelow in 2016.

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ROUND TWO

Boner Candidate #1: RUDY IS LEAKING

When President Donald Trump sends lawyers to court, it seems he’s not sending his best. Fighting to challenge an election he lost to President-elect Joe Biden, Trump has launched a barrage of lawsuits across the country. Top Republicans have stood behind him and said they will wait for those cases to be resolved before officially recognizing the winner, a standard that has no modern precedent. But his attorneys have repeatedly made elementary errors in those high-profile cases: misspelling “poll watcher” as “pole watcher,” forgetting the name of the presiding judge during a hearing, inadvertently filing a Michigan lawsuit before an obscure court in Washington and having to refile complaints after erasing entire arguments they’re using to challenge results.

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Boner Candidate #2: POACHED DUCK

SALT LAKE CITY — The Utah Division of Wildlife Resources said 59 ducks and one western grebe were illegally wasted and thrown into a dumpster in Salt Lake City. DWR officers say the birds were harvested in Idaho, but were later dumped in Salt Lake City. Avid duck hunter and waterfowl hunting guide Andrew Wallace said the act goes against all hunting ethics. “That’s just completely not acceptable,” Wallace said. “Ecologically, and for the life of the bird.”

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Boner Candidate #3: HEY CATHOLICS, LET’S NOT JUMP ON THE VACCINE BANDWAGON

LOS ANGELES — Citing ethical concerns about the use of stem cells in vaccine development, Bishop Joseph Brennan of the Diocese of Fresno is urging Catholics not to “jump on the COVID-19 vaccine bandwagon.” In a video shared by the diocese this week, Brennan said the race to produce a coronavirus vaccine has spurred researchers to make use of morally objectionable materials. “I try to maintain a joyful spirit, so I don’t like to rain on anyone’s parade,” Brennan said. “But I’m going to rain on a parade today: the vaccine parade.”

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