Round One
Boner Candidate #1: WE’LL ANNOUNCE OUR PLANS AT THE FOUR SEASONS.
Donald Trump’s increasingly desperate bid to hang on to the White House crossed into abject farce on Saturday, after his campaign staged a purportedly major press conference at a Philadelphia landscaping business situated between a crematorium and sex shop. On Saturday morning, as Trump played golf and continued to baselessly accuse the Democrats of stealing the election for Joe Biden, the president announced, in a tweet that was subsequently deleted, a “big press conference” at the Four Seasons in Philadelphia. Trump quickly altered his statement, revealing that the press conference venue was not a Four Seasons hotel, but Four Seasons Total Landscaping, a suburban business between a crematorium and an adult book store on the outer edges of the city. “Big press conference today in Philadelphia at Four Seasons Total Landscaping – 11.30am!” the president tweeted at 9.45am.
Boner Candidate #2: WHAT HAPPENED TO THIS PRODUCT OF THE HANKS WILSON UNION.
ACTING legend Tom Hanks’ son Chet has been slammed for once again faking a Jamaican accent in a bizarre video following the election results. In the video, the 30-year-old begins to show compassion for US election loser Donald Trump before revealing he’s joking by randomly breaking into patois. Speaking to the camera, it appears as though Chet is telling his followers to show some respect for President Trump. However, he quickly breaks into a ‘psych’ and stars talking in a mock Jamaican accent calling the POTUS a “p***yclat”. “P***yclat” is patois slang for menstrual sanitary pads. His video quickly gained a mixed reaction from his 352k followers, with many commenting they weren’t keen on the accent. One wrote: “This is the worst thing I’ve ever seen.” “This makes me hella uncomfortable,” penned another. A third added: “When white ppl do this I don’t find it funny,” to which another follower replied, “me neither. We celebrate white people acting black as if they’re better at being black than we are.” “I will never get over the fact that Tom Hanks’ son just woke up one day and decided to have a Jamaican accent,” also commented a fourth.
Boner Candidate #3: TOOTH COULDN’T HOLD IT
CYPRUS — Another day, another allegation of an airline passenger peeing where he isn’t supposed to. A man who traveled with Jet2 in October has been fined 670 pounds ($880) for allegedly threatening to injure, and also urinate on, the cabin crew who requested he wear a mask during his flight. Christopher Tooth, 57, appeared in Manchester Magistrates Court to plead guilty to charges stemming from the Oct. 23 incident, which took place aboard a Jet2 flight from Cyprus to Manchester, per the Manchester Evening News. During the flight, Tooth, who was travelling with his 34-year-old son Matthew, reportedly became abusive toward staff after his son was accused of eating one of the crew member’s meals. Both Tooth and his son were said to have followed the crew into the galley where they became “abusive and aggressive,” but eventually sat back down. Upon reaching their seats, however, Matthew was reminded to wear a face covering, at which point Tooth reportedly became very angry with a fellow passenger, coming only “inches” from the traveler’s face.
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Round Two
Boner Candidate #1: HANG ON TO THAT HEART DR.
A helicopter delivering a donated human heart to a hospital in East Los Angeles crashed on the roof on Friday, and a doctor dropped the organ when it was rescued from the wreckage before it was eventually transplanted successfully. Luckily the three people aboard the helicopter escaped without serious injuries, despite the terrifying rooftop crash. Dramatic amateur video shows the private eight-seat helicopter ambulance spinning out of control moments before the pilot was set to land it onto the roof of Keck Hospital in Boyle Heights just at 3:15pm on Friday. As the Agusta Westland AW109 medical helicopter descended toward the helipad, it suddenly started spinning and veered toward the edge of the roof before landing on its side. Hospital officials said nobody inside or around the facility was injured. Passersby outside went running after debris fell from the chopper, according to KTLA-TV.
Boner Candidate #2: ATTENTION TESCO SHOPPERS. THERE’S A BRAWL IN AISLE 7.
A brawl broke out in the Tesco eggs aisle as horrified shoppers watched on during the two minute silence. A witness described hearing a commotion as everyone else in the Middlesbrough Trunk Road superstore in South Bank had paused to pay their respects. It is believed the violence erupted after a woman was ordered to shush by a customer during the silence held on Remembrance Sunday to honor fallen servicemen and women. One mortified shopper said: “We were all stood still, observing the two minutes’ silence when we heard lots of screaming and shouting. Everyone was looking at each other, we were like ‘what’s going on’. I heard someone shout ‘you’ve disrespected my mother!’” He added: “All the staff started running towards the eggs aisle. “I asked someone what was going on and they said a woman had asked another woman to stop talking through the silence and the next minute they were fighting with each other. “There were smashed eggs all over the floor. It was definitely not something you see every day. I only went in for a chicken.” A Tesco spokesperson said: “We would like to thank the police for their swift assistance following an incident in our Eston Cleveland Extra this morning.”
Boner Candidate #3: AH, HA HA HA HA HA…….ETC.
Evangelical leader and huge Donald Trump supporter Kenneth Copeland had a hearty laugh over Joe Biden’s victory in the presidential election. But the word laugh doesn’t quite capture what he does during a prayer service. “The media said what?” Copeland said before bursting out laughing in the video posted by Right Wing Watch. “The media said Joe Biden’s president!” And that’s where he starts laughing maniacally with such forced HAHAs that at first it almost seems funny until he goes on for such an uncomfortable amount of time and those watching him begin laughing for real. Although the clip might be amusing, and that’s likely at least part of the reason why it spread like wildfire on social media, some were quick to caution that the obviously fake laugh is a strategy to get a reaction from those listening. “This is professional brainwashing for your viewing pleasure. It works,” writer Laird Barron tweeted. If the name Copeland sounds familiar it’s likely because he was also the star of a 2019 video that went viral when a reporter confronted him about his lavish lifestyle. Copeland had said that he can’t “talk to God” while flying commercial and that’s why he needed a private plane. “You can’t manage that today, in this dope-filled world, get in a long tube with a bunch of demons,” Copeland said. “And it’s deadly.”
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