ROUND ONE
Boner Candidate #1: STOPPING ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION AT ITS SOURCE
President Donald Trump says he was only joking after bizarrely announcing ‘we’re building a wall in Colorado’, despite the state being over 600 miles away from the U.S.-Mexico border. Trump left his audience scratching their heads after his speech at the Shale Insight Conference in Pittsburgh Wednesday night, where he boasted about his progress building a wall at the southern border, but seemed to confuse his geography. After midnight Trump tweeted saying that his Colorado wall statement was a joke and he was actually describing the packed auditorium. He tweeted: ‘(Kiddingly) We’re building a Wall in Colorado”(then stated, “we’re not building a Wall in Kansas but they get the benefit of the Wall we’re building on the Border”) refered to people in the very packed auditorium, from Colorado & Kansas, getting the benefit of the Border Wall!’ Read More
Boner Candidate #2: HE WAS COMING ON TO ME
A Florida man was arrested Tuesday after being caught have sex with a stuffed animal inside Target. Witnesses told police they saw Cody Meader, 20, take a large Olaf from “Frozen” off the store shelves at a St. Petersburg location and begin to “dry hump” the toy. The police report claims Meader ejaculated on the Olaf doll and put it back on the shelf before he “selected a large unicorn stuffed animal” and began to have sex with that object as well. Meader was taken into custody while in the store and admitted to doing “stupid stuff.” He was arrested and charged with criminal mischief. Read More
Boner Candidate #3: HOW ABOUT SOME OF THIS?
Tuscaloosa, Alab. – The Alabama woman who was recorded grinding her rear end into the crotch of a cop attempting to handcuff her early Sunday is facing a pair of criminal charges, according to court records. April Teale, 24, was arrested by police on misdemeanor disorderly conduct and harassment charges. The 2018 University of Alabama graduate was collared outside a Waffle House in downtown Tuscaloosa, just blocks from Bryant-Denny Stadium, where, earlier that evening, the Crimson Tide football team defeated the University of Tennessee.
As seen in a brief video recording that has gone viral, Teale was pinned up against a Waffle House window as a cop sought to handcuff her. Teale took the opportunity to press her buttocks into the officer while breathily declaring, “Oh, yeah, you like that? You like that, yeah?” Read More
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ROUND TWO
Boner Candidate #1: JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT COULDN’T GET ANY STUPIDER
A group of nearly two dozen conservative Republican lawmakers stormed a secure meeting room in the basement of the U.S. Capitol on Wednesdsay, disrupting a Pentagon official’s deposition in the impeachment inquiry into Donald Trump. They staged a sit-in once inside, and had pizza and Chick-fil-A delivered for lunch, complaining all the while about a lack of transparency in the Democrats’ secretive probe.
The president on Tuesday told Republicans in the Oval Office that he approved of their plan for a standoff, according to White House sources who spoke to Bloomberg. Florida Rep. Matt Gaetz, who organized it, was not in the room. He insisted in text messages on Wednesday that Trump ‘had no notice. … I led the effort and never discussed with POTUS.’ Read More
Boner Candidate #2: OH, BUT IT’S CUTE
AUSTRALIA – Kmart Australia has pulled a children’s bride costume from its shelves after a Melbourne mom launched a petition calling the costume “beyond inappropriate.” The $6 costume, which included a white wedding gown and headband with veil for children between the ages of 4 and 6, was stripped from sale on Tuesday afternoon just two days after Shannon B launched the petition on Change.org. “Kmart Australia regrets the decision to range the bride costume,” a Kmart spokesperson told 7 News. “It was not intended to cause offense and we sincerely apologize. We have made the decision to withdraw this product.” The petition, which had just 124 signatures, had labeled the costume “offensive” and asked supporters to remind Kmart it had a “social responsibility” to uphold. Read More
Boner Candidate #3: I LIKE BEER
A Mesa man with a history of arrests for assault, disorderly conduct, and kidnapping is facing nearly 20 new charges, most of them felonies, after police say he stole dozens of cases of beer from two stores. The Maricopa County Attorney’s Office filed charges against Nicholas Zebb late last week after police arrested him on Tuesday, Oct. 15. According to court documents, Zebb hit the QuikTrip at Baseline Road and Mesa Drive 17 times between July 20 and July 29, 2019 – some days more than once. His most recent theft, according to police, was Oct. 2 at the Fry’s at Greenfield Road and Main Street. Police wrote in Zebb’s probable cause for arrest statement that he was seen on surveillance video parking his red Honda Civic outside the QT, walking into the store, picking up cases of beer from the cooler area, and then leaving. Read More
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