Boners

Boner of the Day for October 9th, 2020

ROUND ONE

Boner Candidate #1: GOV. WHITMER HAS HATRED IN HER HEART

Trump campaign senior adviser Jason Miller went after Gov. Gretchen Whitmer for blasting President Donald Trump during her news conference regarding the militia plot to kidnap her — calling her a “complete phony”  with “hatred in her heart towards President Trump.” The FBI busted a plot by militia group Wolverine Watchmen to kidnap the governor, instigate a civil war, and violently overthrow the state government on Wednesday night. Whitmer blamed the militia plot on the president, claiming he is “complicit” with domestic terrorist groups — highlighting his “stand back and stand by” comments to the Proud Boys during the first presidential debate. “Hate groups heard the president’s words not as a rebuke, but as a rallying cry, as a call to action,” Whitmer said in an address from Lansing. “When our leaders speak, their words matter. They carry weight. When our leaders meet with, encourage, or fraternize with domestic terrorists, they legitimize their actions, and they are complicit. When they stoke and contribute to hate speech, they are complicit.”

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Boner Candidate #2: BRAD PITT SAID HE WANTS TO MARRY ME

Legally speaking, Brad Pitt is not having himself the greatest year. First, there’s his ongoing custody battle with Angelina Jolie, which recently lined up new witnesses and nearly replaced the sitting judge. And now, he’s facing a whole new problem in the form of a lawsuit from Texan woman Kelli Christina, who claims that Pitt approached her online with a charity opportunity and wound up forming a close, personal relationship with her — so close that the two were talking marriage. Pitt’s legal team has filed a motion to dismiss the lawsuit, stating that Christina herself admitted to later finding out it was not in fact Pitt with whom she’d been speaking, but she’s not backing down so easily. And I have to say: If I thought I was about to marry Brad Pitt and then found out it was all a scam, $100K in emotional damages wouldn’t even begin to cover it. So, what does Pitt’s team say happened here? According to their motion to dismiss, it was a classic catfish situation (I’m paraphrasing). Fake Brad Pitt reaches out to Christina, offers to help fundraise for the Make It Right Foundation with special guest appearances at planned events, and then collects his speaking fees from her without ever showing up.

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Boner Candidate #3: WHO GIVES A FLYING HUG WHAT KEN BONE THINKS

Ken Bone, the red sweater-wearing man who went viral after asking a question in 2016 during a Donald Trump-Hillary Clinton presidential debate, has announced his latest endorsement in the 2020 presidential race. “I voted Clinton in ’16 and this morning I sealed my mail-in ballot having voted for Jo Jorgensen,” Bone tweeted Wednesday morning. “I don’t agree with either of them 100% but felt they were the best options available to me at the time.” Jorgensen is the Libertarian Party candidate, with a Ph.D. in psychology and a background in business and tech. Some of her major campaign issues are the $26 trillion national debt, ending foreign wars and the U.S. incarceration rate. She recently told the “Fox News Rundown” podcast that her ideal America would look like “one giant Switzerland” with free markets and a strong military that’s not used as “the world’s policeman.” “The number one she has going for her is her foreign policy in my view,” Bone wrote in a separate tweet. He also criticized the notion of “world police.” Bone, who said he lives in Illinois, which Clinton won in 2016, pushed back against critics who said a third-party vote would be a waste. “Keep voter shaming though, it’s great for democracy,” he said to one Twitter user, pledging to sign the deed to his house over if his home state “goes red.”

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ROUND TWO

Boner Candidate #1: THE FATHER AND THE CORSET WEARING DOMINATRICES

A Louisiana priest was arrested for allegedly filming himself having sex with two dominatrices on the altar at his Catholic church, a report said Thursday. The priest, identified by Nola.com as Rev. Travis Clark, was busted after a passerby saw the lights on later than usual on Sept. 30 and peeked inside Saints Peter and Paul Roman Catholic Church in Pearl River. The unidentified witness saw the half-naked priest having sex with the two women, who were dressed in corsets and high-heeled boots. The altar was also adorned with stage lighting, several sex toys, and a cellphone mounted on a tripod that was recording the act. The witness took video footage of the unholy trinity, then called police. Cops arrested Rev. Clark, along with his two altar servers, 41-year-old Mindy Dixon and 23-year-old Melissa Cheng and booked them on obscenity charges. The women reportedly told cops they were at the church to film “roleplay” with the priest. Cops determined everything that went on that night was consensual, but arrested the trio on the obscenity charges because they were in view of the public.

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Boner Candidate #2: AND I’M NOT GOING TO EXPLAIN WHY THE NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISOR IS FULL OF IT

President Donald Trump’s break-the-mold “America first” diplomatic style has defied skeptics to make the world safer and more prosperous — and he should get serious attention for a Nobel Peace Prize, his national security adviser said Thursday in Salt Lake City. “I came out and said he should be nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize” after brokering an accord to normalize relations between Israel, Bahrain and the United Arab Emirates, National Security Adviser Robert O’Brien told an Orrin Hatch Center symposium on global security at the Grand America Hotel. He said leaders of those Middle Eastern counties who signed the agreement should also receive joint consideration for the Nobel Prize. “It took tremendous courage for all those leaders to make that step towards peace,” said O’Brien, who also was a foreign policy adviser to Mitt Romney when he ran for president in 2012, and is the highest ranking member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in the Trump administration. O’Brien said that unlike many U.S. leaders, Trump has been willing to build up political capital with all parties, and then spend it to push steps toward peace. “President Trump had built up capital with the Israelis by moving our embassy to Jerusalem, something that everyone predicted would lead to strife and turmoil,” he said. “We recognized Israel’s sovereignty over the Golan Heights, and again were told by foreign policy elite that was something that would create instability.”

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Boner Candidate #3: OH WAS ROB SCHNEIDER IN TOWN?

Anti-coronavirus vaccine banners strewn across overpasses along I-215 and Wasatch Boulevard caused a ruckus Thursday morning. About 40 people called the Utah Department of Transportation about the banners, an agency official said. Most were asking for the banners to be removed. At least three banners were hung on the safety fences, most spanning nearly the width of the interstate. One over the pedestrian overpass near 3900 South — which also crosses Wasatch and leads to Churchill Junior High — read in large, block letters, “Vaccines can cause injury and death.” Another, over the 1300 East overpass, said, “Vaccine makers are exempt from liability.” UDOT deployed maintenance crews to check whether the banners posed a public safety hazard. “UDOT does not weigh in on the issues. Our interest is in whether it’s presenting a safety concern,” UDOT spokesperson John Gleason said. “It caught the attention of quite a few people and we did receive quite a bit of feedback on it.”

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