ROUND ONE
Boner Candidate #1: IF YOU’RE GOING TO A PROTEST, BRING THE RIGHT SIGN.
SALT LAKE CITY (KUTV) — The Utah Sheriffs Association has issued a stern rebuke of the Salt Lake Tribune and editorial cartoonist Pat Bagley in response to what it called a divisive and prejudicial cartoon. Bagley’s cartoon, printed on Tuesday, depicts a doctor and law enforcement officer looking at an X-ray. The X-ray shows a skeleton with the lower back and pelvic area drawn as a person wearing a white hooded robe, in the style of the Ku Klux Klan. It’s captioned: “WELL, THERE’S YOUR PROBLEM.” On the wall is a poster titled, “INTESTINAL PARASITES.” In sharing the cartoon on his Facebook page, Bagley wrote that,” White supremacists have made a point of infiltrating law enforcement. That’s a fact. That’s a problem.” But the sheriffs association called the cartoon a “cheap shot” and stated it would “fan the flames” as law enforcement and community leaders attempt to address grievances from Utah citizens. Bagley was a finalist for the Pulitzer Prize in Editorial Cartooning in 2014 and has been a Tribune cartoonist since 1979. He’s not known to shy away from potentially controversial topics, and is often critical of Utah’s predominantly conservative Republican leadership. Still, clearly law enforcement and some community members think this time he went too far.
Boner Candidate #2: I AM A CULTURE LEECH.
A history professor who has lived for years as a black woman said she was a “cultural leech” in a blog post in which she said she was actually white. Jessica Krug, an associate professor with George Washington University, penned a Medium blog post entitled The Truth, and the Anti-Black Violence of My Lies where she confessed to deceiving friends and colleagues about her race. The identities she claimed to be included “North African Blackness, then US rooted Blackness, then Caribbean rooted Bronx Blackness.” “I have not only claimed these identities as my own when I had absolutely no right to do so – when doing so is the very epitome of violence, of thievery and appropriation, of the myriad ways in which non-black people continue to use and abuse black identities and cultures – but I have formed intimate relationships with loving, compassionate people who have trusted and cared for me when I have deserved neither trust nor caring,” wrote Ms Krug, who specialises in African American history, Africa, and Latin America. Instead, Ms Krug says she is actually white and Jewish. “I am not a culture vulture. I am a culture leech,” she wrote. “I have thought about ending these lies many times over many years, but my cowardice was always more powerful than my ethics.”
Boner Candidate #3: DON’T LET COVID OVERSHADOW YOUR WEDDING FUN.
One couple decided to take a strange approach to adapt their wedding to the coronavirus. The couple, who was recently called out in a post on Reddit’s Wedding Shaming forum, shows the unnamed bride and groom standing together on a bridge, wearing old-fashioned plague masks. Around them, several people (likely friends and family) are lying on the ground in various poses, seemingly pretending to be dead. The post is captioned, “For all the COVID brides! Don’t let it overshadow your fun!” According to the post, the photo was taken for a wedding in Manitoba in Canada. Based on their comments, some Reddit users were not amused. “This is absolutely disgusting, tasteless, and just sick,” wrote one user. “’Death, don’t let it overshadow your fun!’: another added. “If the sentiment wasn’t enough to make me judge them, having the fake dead bodies most definitely was. How do people think this is a good idea?” “The plague masks are cool [but[ it’s the dead corpses that I had to take a triple-take to make sure I was seeing right,” added another.
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ROUND TWO
Boner Candidate #1: I MADE A PURCHASE TO STIMULATE THE ECONOMY
Sarasota, FL — After fraudulently securing more than $2 million in coronavirus relief funds, a Florida businessman spent nearly $700,000 of the proceeds on a 40-foot boat, federal investigators allege. In a criminal complaint filed in U.S. District Court, Casey Crowther, 35, is charged with making false statements to a lending institution in connection with his receipt in April of a $2.09 million Payroll Protection Program loan. If convicted of the felony count, Crowther could face a maximum of 30 years in prison. According to the complaint, Crowther claimed in his PPP application that the funds he sought were to be used to cover payroll, rent, and utilities for a Fort Myers roofing firm he owned. But after the forgivable loan was approved and Crowther received the PPP funds from Sanibel Captiva Community Bank, he wired $689,417 to a Sarasota boat dealer for the purchase of a 2020 Invincible catamaran. Crowther subsequently registered the 40-foot boat in his name. The federal agent who swore out the complaint against Crowther noted that, “Your affiant has probable cause to believe the boat was purchased for personal use and not for any business purpose related to Target Roofing.”
Boner Candidate #2: IT’S A SEASONING
ENGLAND — It was a hair-brained scheme. A customer revolted UK restaurant owners after allegedly sprinkling his pubic hairs into the food to avoid paying the bill, as seen in a gag-inducing video first published by the Lancashire Telegraph. “It was disgusting and a disaster,” said Ahmed Waseem, 47, owner of Jaan’s BBQ Kitchen Restaurant and Grill in Blackburn, where the hairy incident transpired, the Daily Star reports. Two 20-something customers had reportedly ordered almost $90 worth of food, despite staff warning them that it would be too much for two people to consume. Things went further south when the check arrived, and the customers complained that there was someone else’s hair in their food. A subsequent investigation by staff revealed that there was indeed hair on the “biryani, kebabs and the naan breads,” according to the manager. Suspecting something was awry, Waseem checked the security-cam footage, which shows the customer in a backwards cap twice reaching into his shorts and ripping out fistfuls of an unseen material. He then proceeds to dump it over the dishes while a fellow bozo guffaws at his antics.
Boner Candidate #3: I WAS TRYING TO GET CLOSE ENOUGH TO READ THE SIGN
Port Charlotte, FL — Meet Bounty Cheramy. The 22-year-old Florida resident was arrested for drunk driving early Sunday after allegedly slamming his Mazda into an electronic sign cautioning motorists to “Drive Sober or Get Pulled Over.” According to a probable cause affidavit, cops found Cheramy outside his car around 12:30 AM on the Tamiami Trail in Port Charlotte on the state’s Gulf Coast. Cheramy’s auto had sustained “heavy front-end damage,” reported a deputy who also noted that “the county sign board trailer had been struck.” Cheramy told police that he was talking on the phone when he “suddenly struck something,” but was unsure “what he had struck or how he hit it.” Cheramy smelled of alcohol, was swaying back and forth, and could not focus on questions posed by a deputy, the affidavit alleges. Cheramy, who performed poorly on a series of field sobriety tests, took two breath tests, both of which recorded his blood alcohol content at twice the .08 legal limit. Cheramy was charged with a pair of DUI counts and careless driving. He is scheduled for arraignment on September 16.
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