Round One
Boner Candidate #1: DON’T TRY WHACKING A FISH WITH A GUN
This just in from the oblivious department: don’t point any kind of gun at yourself or this might happen. This might be an air gun or a BB gun, but let’s hope for this guy’s sake, that’s all it is. Here’s how you lose something precious: Okay, who didn’t see that coming? Right off the bat, you could tell this was poor thinking on this guy’s part. So, do you think that was an air rifle or a small-caliber firearm? Always practice gun safety!
Boner Candidate #2: NIKKI KNOWS WHAT THE FINNS WILL SAY
Nikki Haley, former United States ambassador to the United Nations, is currently getting a beautiful lesson in social democracy and the quality of life in Finland. In response to Haley’s claim that healthcare in the United States is far superior to healthcare in Finland, people in Finland—who have internet access as well as very good health care—are helpfully telling her about what it’s actually like when your ability to pay has nothing to do with getting good medical care. For reasons that I cannot fully understand, Haley left a scathing reply to a two-week old Bernie Sanders tweet that lauded the low cost of child birth in Finland as compared to the United States.
Boner Candidate #3: HE WAS PUT ON EARTH TO SAVE THE JEWS
Secretary of State Mike Pompeo offered alarming views during an exclusive interview with the Christian Broadcasting Network (CBN News).CBN News asked if President Donald Trump could be like a 2,500 year-old character in the Old Testament. “Could it be, that President Trump right now has been sort of raised for such a time like this just like Queen Esther, to help save the Jewish people from an Iranian menace?” CBN News asked. “As a Christian, I certainly believe that’s possible,” Pompeo replied. “I am confident that the Lord is at work here,” he added.
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Round Two
Boner Candidate #1:YEAH, THAT’S HEALTHY
A woman in China reportedly almost died after she injected herself with fruit juice. The 51-year-old woman had made a juice of 20 different fruits and intravenously injected the concoction in an attempt to be healthy, the BBC reported. However, she sustained damage to her liver, kidney, heart and lungs and spent five days in intensive care. “I had thought fresh fruits were very nutritious and it would not do me harm by injecting them into my body,” the woman said, according to Singapore-based outlet Asia One. “I had no idea that would get me into such trouble,” she added. At first, the injection caused the woman’s skin to itch and her temperature to rise.She allegedly did nothing about her discomfort until her husband noticed her condition and encouraged her to seek treatment.
Boner Candidate #2: YOU LOOK AT OURS, DON’T SHOW US YOURS
A Florida Man got carried away at a Pensacola strip club over the weekend, a witness said, and now he’s been charged with exposing himself. According to Pensacola police, 26-year-old John Robert Bonanno of Osprey, Florida, was at Sammy’s, an adult entertainment venue, on Saturday night. Stephanie Kopacz told police that Bonanno pushed one of her exotic dancers onto a couch in Sammy’s’ VIP section, pulled up on her underwear to expose her, and pulled out his penis, according to the police report. The dancer, Alyssa Pariseau, had her back to Bonanno when she “began to dance in front of Bonanno in a provocative manner,” the arrest report said. That’s when she told police Bonanno began to climb on top of her. She said she yelled at him to stop and called out for help.
Boner Candidate #3: HE’S LIKE A DEMON, A DEVIL
A Yuba County Code Enforcement officer has been suspended after his profanity-laced tirade aimed at a homeless woman was caught on a cell phone camera and shared on social media. It all started last Thursday when a broken down RV caught the eye of code enforcement officers. “He knocked on my door telling me to get out of here, that he was tired of cleaning up after us dirtbags,” resident Honna Lee told KTXL. That’s the clean version of what Lee was told when she was visited by Officer Chris Monaco. “People like me, I clean up after myself … ” Lee said in the video. Monaco responds, “You don’t do s—.” Lee is then heard telling Monaco he can’t speak to her like that. “Get out of here before I get the f—– out of here myself,” Monaco says.
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