Round One
Boner Candidate #1: THE FLATULENT FELON WAS A FUGITIVE
The next time you think you’re having a stinky day, just be glad you’re not a wanted fugitive from Missouri suffering from bowel troubles. Police no problem sniffing the man out — after he inadvertently gave away his hiding spot with a poorly-timed bout of loud flatulence. The Clay County, Missouri, Sheriff’s Office had a gas with the arrest, crediting their neighboring Liberty Police Department for arresting the man on an outstanding warrant. The sheriff’s office said the wanted fugitive was facing accusations of possession of a controlled substance.
Boner Candidate #2: I DON’T EVEN LIKE MEN.
Before announcing his campaign to become Mississippi’s governor, state Rep. Robert Foster made a commitment to his wife, Heather. He’d follow the “Billy Graham rule” — which, in his words, means avoiding “any situation that may evoke suspicion or compromise of our marriage.” His personal policy, which is also used by Vice President Pence, presented a problem for Mississippi Today reporter Larrison Campbell. Citing “the optics,” Foster declined Campbell’s request for a 15-hour ride-along, unless she brought a male colleague. Campbell and her editor objected on the grounds that it was sexist, and it prevented her from completing a story assignment about the Republican contenders for governor. Term limits prevent incumbent Phil Bryant (R) from seeking reelection, leaving an open seat and a hotly contested election. Three Republicans filed to run in the Aug. 6 primary: Lt. Gov. Tate Reeves, former state Supreme Court chief justice Bill Waller Jr. and Foster. There are also eight Democrats running.
Boner Candidate #3: ALL I KNOW IS THAT AIN’T US.
The family allegedly involved in a brawl that broke out at Mickey’s Toontown in Disneyland last week have denied anything ever happened, according to police. The family was “uncooperative” when police responded to the park, and there was no video available at the time, so officers did not make any arrests, said Anaheim Police Sgt. Daron Wyatt. In response to a tweet questioning the ongoing investigation into the fight, Anaheim police responded Tuesday saying, “the parties involved all denied anything occurred.” Now that the video, which was posted to YouTube on Sunday, has become widely available, the “investigation can continue” and criminal charges could follow. When APD were asked if the fight is a common occurrence, they said “it does happen when families get together in the heat and get irritated with each other.”
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Round Two
Boner Candidate #1: DRINK THAT BEER AN YOU’LL WANT TO MARRY A SECOND WIFE…FOR SURE.
Plans to sell the Utah-made Polygamy Porter craft beer in North Carolina hit a roadblock from state alcohol regulators. The problem? The staff of the N.C. Alcoholic Beverage Control Commission rejected its name. The commission enforces state alcohol laws and enacts alcohol regulations. “Polygamy is illegal. Therefore these products will not be approved,” says a May 28 letter to the Utah Brewers Cooperative of Salt Lake City. The cooperative’s Wasatch Brewery brand makes Polygamy Porter (“Why have just one?” and “Take some home to the wives!” says a blurb promoting it) and Polygamy Nitro Porter (infused with nitrogen gas, its blurb says “Meet the sister-wife of our classic brew”). A map on the cooperative’s website shows it sells its products in 19 states from Nevada to the Mississippi River and Wisconsin. The cooperative has appealed the staff’s decision to reject the “Polygamy” name. The matter is scheduled to be heard by the North Carolina ABC Commission when it meets at 10 a.m. Wednesday in Raleigh.
Boner Candidate #2: SO, NOW THIS IS A THING.
A video posted to Facebook Tuesday appears to show a girl licking a tongue depressor before placing it back in a jar with the others at a Jacksonville, Florida area doctor’s office. The video was originally recorded on Snapchat by the girl’s mother, according to WFOX. The mother said it was supposed to stay among friends, but someone shared it publicly on Facebook. She said she’s now receiving death threats and regrets the incident, saying she “wasn’t thinking.” The clip begins with a hand touching the inside of the canister holding the tongue depressors, twirling its fingers against multiple depressors. Another hand is then seen removing one depressor from the container. Then a girl is shown licking the entirety of the depressor before reinserting it into the container. A banner on the video reportedly read “Don’t tell me how to live my life.”Meanwhile, a piece of paper above the canister reads “Please do not touch medical supplies! Thank you.”
Boner Candidate #3: I NEEDED THE KIDS TO WEIGH IT DOWN.
A mother has been arrested in Illinois after she was seen driving around with two kids on the roof of her car….inside of an inflatable pool. The Dixon Police Department said 49-year-old Jennifer A. Janus Yeager was arrested on Tuesday, July 9 around 3 p.m. after a ‘concerned citizen’ saw her driving with the kids on the roof of her vehicle. Officers searched the area and found her driving with a blue inflatable pool on the roof of her car with two kids inside. Police said their officers pulled her over where they learned that she had driven into town to inflate the pool at a friend’s house and had her two daughters ride inside the empty pool to hold it down on their drive home. Yeager has been charged with two counts of Endangering the Health or Life of a Child and two counts of Reckless Conduct.
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