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Boner Preview Candidates September 15th, 2015

Boner Preview Candidate #1: Devo Singer Marries in tasteless 9/11-themed wedding

Devo co-founder Jerry Casale tied the knot Friday and afterward celebrated with a tasteless 9/11-themed reception, complete with a Twin Towers wedding cake — featuring the bride’s and groom’s faces atop each cake tower — and boxcutter place settings, according to a report Monday.

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Boner Preview Candidate #2: KEEP AN EYE ON THE WOMAN IN THE WON’T BE CAUGHT T-SHIRT

Sanford police have identified a woman accused of shoplifting while wearing a “Won’t Be Caught” T-shirt after one of the suspect’s family members contacted authorities.

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Boner Preview Candidate #3: GOD WOULD NOT GO AROUND WITH HIS PANTS DOWN

Rising inequality. Irreversible climate change. A possible third Grown Ups movie. These are just a few of the challenges facing America in the 21st Century. Luckily, our country is protected by our almighty creator who (when he isn’t smiting eponymous fast food chains) is apparently telling our legislators to address pressing issues like publicly exposed boxer shorts.

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Boner Preview Candidate #4: WE JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND THEIR CUSTOMS

India’s treatment of women is again eliciting shock as reports circulate about an unofficial council of village elders who ordered two Indian women to be gang-raped after their brother eloped with a married woman of a higher caste.

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Boner Preview Candidate #5: BOY DESERVED A BEATING

While you were grilling up some hot dogs or watching baseball on Labor Day, players on the Camden County (Ga.) High School football team were beating the crap out of a JV teammate at practice while at least three coaches watched, according to a police report filed by the boy on the receiving end of the beating.

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Boner Preview Candidate #6: I WAS DRUNK AND EARL WANTED TO BE SPONTANEOUS

A 36-year-old woman in Virginia got busted for doing it with her boyfriend in the middle of a PARKING LOT last Tuesday, in broad daylight.  Then they did an awesome interview with the local news, where the boyfriend said, quote, “everyone wants to do something spontaneous.”

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