Boners

Boner (Round One and Two) for August 16th, 2018

Round One

Boner Candidate #1: I’M GONNA PUT THIS BODY CAMERA TO GOOD USE

A former Arizona cop was fired earlier this year for allegedly using a department body camera to film himself having sex and storing pornography on an office computer, the Arizona Republic reported, citing court records.Officer Anthony Doran became the subject of an administrative probe by the Pinal County Sheriff’s Office in March, the report said. The contents of that investigation became public this month after a Superior, Arizona, resident filed a civil complaint alleging that Doran had been among several officers who beat and falsely arrested him during a 2016 search of his home.

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Boner Candidate #2: DIFFERENT STROKES FOR DIFFERENT FOLKS

An ex-girlfriend of “Diff’rent Strokes” star Todd Bridges claims he threatened her on various occasions — with weapons ranging from a crossbow to a taser — and now she’s afraid for her life.

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Boner Candidate #3: I WOULD HOPE THAT THE BEARS WOULD JUST EAT THESE PEOPLE

Katmai National Park and Preserve is one of Alaska’s most famous destinations for seeing brown bears, and there’s no better spot to catch the bruins than at Brooks Falls. Every summer, the predators fish for salmon in the river’s roiling whitewater, while crowds of tourists watch from viewing platforms. But for one visitor, that wasn’t close enough. As viewers around the world watched on a livestream, he waded into the river to snap a smartphone picture of the bears as they ate mere yards away. In a statement, the National Park Service said that the incident began around 6:50 p.m. on August 9, when two Alaska residents and an out-of-state tourist slipped out an emergency exit to approach the bears. Other visitors and viewers on explore.org’s bear cams contacted park authorities, who tracked down the group.

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Round Two

Boner Candidate #1: I’M GONNA SPANK THE HIPPO

A bizarre video was posted last week that showed an unidentified man approach two hippos at the L.A. Zoo, named Rosie and Mara  (LA Zoo) A viral video that appears to show a visitor at the Los Angeles Zoo hop a fence, sneak up from behind and spank a hippopotamus has prompted a police investigation, The Los Angeles Times reported. The bizarre video was posted last week and showed the unidentified man approach the two hippos, named Rosie and Mara. Rosie, 4, was the one who was spanked. The report said the hippo did not have any visible injuries, but an encounter like that could be stressful.

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Boner Candidate #2: JASON! I’M THE CUCK WHO PUTS A ROOF OVER YOUR HEAD

Apparently, the “fatherland” is not as sympathetic as he expected. A notorious neo-Nazi rally’s organizer was caught on tape being scolded by his daddy for using his parents’ bedroom to livestream his hate. Jason Kessler, who concocted last year’s deadly Unite The Right rally, was talking anti-Semitic conspiracy theories with his neo-Nazi pal Patrick Little when his dad busted in the room and started yelling at him, video shared on social media shows. “Hey! You get out of my room!” Kessler’s father can be heard shouting. “I want this to stop in my room, Jason, this is my room.”

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Boner Candidate #3: I THINK IT’S A HALF BAKED MAGGOT

Classes at a small Oklahoma school had to be canceled when parents threatened “open hunting season” on a 12-year-old transgender girl. The adults took to a private Facebook group for parents at Achille Independent School District to unleash a slew of hateful comments on Maddie, a seventh grader, calling her “it,” a “half baked maggot” and saying she should be stabbed, local station KXII-TV reported. “That’s a threat against her life… that’s scary,” said her mom, Brandy Rose.

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